Friday, October 12, 2007

moved

Posted by maei at 4:15 PM

have moved my blog... for those who want the new address, please just drop me a msg on msn ba ^^

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Sunday, October 07, 2007

Posted by maei at 3:10 PM

i'm sorry my post was so irate, and chock full of frustration. it probably never even addressed your questions.

but all i can say is, i don't know how you really want me to react.

sorry about the outburst. it makes no sense to me after reading it again anyway.

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Posted by maei at 2:36 PM

i know i said i won't blog for these couple of days, and i have been abusing this blog.

this used to be a space where i jotted my thoughts, feelings and all. now it's like a messageboard. it feels wrong. there is so much i want to shield away from the world.

i never ever use my contacts to call anyone i ever called a good friend or close friend. all the time. i call you, him, shieh yuan, my parents, brother, kor, kenny when we were closer, jS when we were closer, all by keying in all 8 numbers one by one.

i'll admit, sometimes, when i'm alone with naught to do, i'll pick up the phone, and habitually, the first number under my thumb would be 8. it's just like sometimes, when i want to call my mum, i pick up the phone, and my fingers hit his number instead of hers.

you ask who i would call, but that depends on what the situation is, doesn't it? what now can really bother me that i would want to seek comfort that i cannot give myself?

and i don't know what you're thinking of, but there has never been sweet nothings exchanged. friendly encouragements, stupid messages to cheer a down friend up, nonsense, yes. what do you think? that he has been showering me with "i love you"s, "i don't want to see you hurt"s, "i miss you"s and "be my girlfriend"s? how do you think i will react if he has been? you know and i know that this is not the kind of support i look for, or want. not at this kind of time.

yes, i may not be as upset if he were to disappear from my life, nor may i be as sad if i were forcefully taken from hall. but i would rather think that being upset now is a good thing. i would hate the day when if you were to call, i would take it with frustration rather than upset.

this upset or not thing, i can say i'm pretty disappointed that you can even make comparisons this way. i thought you should know better than that. is that how you think of me after knowing me for so long? i don't think so, but don't make me think you think so.

i just hope that you can think better of me than someone who will call another when she misses someone, or cry on a shoulder imagining it was someone else's. speak to someone wishing to hear another person's voice.

i am better than that. you know it.

i don't know how you expect me to react to your post, or anything anymore. and i don't think i owe you any answers. this is all i can say.

i'm sorry. i think this response prolly feels like i'm slamming you. maybe i'm just being a kid.

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apologies

Posted by maei at 2:44 AM

am terribly sorry about the closure. i didn't mean a closure to the past, if that's what you took it to mean, but rather, as seeking a way to move on in life. am really really sorry. but then again, i guess, maybe i'm really just imposing a mistaken thought upon you.

sorry.

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for him

Posted by maei at 1:46 AM

i guess this is the time where i learn to move on.

i guess i was really being really really childish, not able to ask you to let go, and being upset when you tried to. this time, i'll try my hardest not to look back.

i promised you to not cry anymore. i really really tried. and now i know how salty tears can taste when they roll in instead of down and out.

i didn't succeed, but don't worry too much for me.

and don't apologise, i never did blame you, nor thought you to be selfish. thank you for all the times we shared, happy or not.

guess i'll be leaving this blog alone for a couple of days, so i guess i better let my ardent fan(s) know in advance. i will be back, hopefully sooner than later.

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Friday, October 05, 2007

tangled thoughts and confused heart

Posted by maei at 2:09 AM

heh ^__^ finally getting down to blogging after a couple days ^^"

today's paper was as shitty as shit really is shit. i'd be glad if ic an get even 10 out of 40 T__T but i guess that's behind and i don't really want to talk about it anymore. so much for studying >__<

other school matters... i still have a formal report to submit tomorrow, but the way things are going now,. i might ahve to submit it on monday instead. on the brighter side, i have a sample report to work with... so... haha, we'll see how things go.

other matters. mike's mum invited me to her birthday lunch on saturday >__< she literally went and asked him, "bring your girlfriend along." and then he was like (>--<) "i'll check with her." >__< huh... a bit de giving his mum the wrong impression right.

best of all, when i told mummy about it, all mummy said was, "you better be more courteous, k? and must behave yourself properly" lol.

sigh.

but it's all weirded up.

the only way i can possibly describe my own situation now is that there is FEEL, but the FEELING is not really there (and not really not there)(you gan jue, dan gan qing bing bu ming que). not there yet, as so many people have corrected me.

when i look back, i think it's a very natural thing. after all, it's a long descent from what i have shared with him...

shijie said, jerome said, others said, do i let this stop me from moving on? if everything has to start from where i left off, i guess it would be nearly impossible to move on with life, wouldn't it? after all, even when i started doubting myself, we were still such a loving couple.

the whole world is asking me, "why are you not giving him, giving the two of you, a shot?" "you guys are such a match, go anywhere, do anything, also can play play, have fun." "are you two a couple?"

but they don't see it from my point of view. is it fair for me to enter any form of relationship? now, when i still have his blog on my homepage, and his gifts on my bed?

all i can say is, i'm terribly glad he's not giving me any pressure about any of this matters. although i don't see why i should be particularly glad about it, coz it's only the right thing to do, isn't it?

if i do give the both of us a shot, is it coz i'm just looking for someone, anyone to replace him? or is it coz i'm really ready to take on another relationship?

i do feel this strange chemistry, it feels kind of sweet the way we can just tease, play, fool around and just basically do everything just like that. to be working in a partnership, serious or not, in most situations. it's a different kind of chemistry from what i shared with him, and from what i shared with himself previously.

but as always, my thoughts tend to drift back at times...

it's all rather confusing and i don't think "just follow your heart" can clear any of this up.

i still think of him. and i still want to keep up with his blog. and i still want to know how he's doing at times.

isn't it awfully weird to say "i will let go" and be keeping tabs on his blog every day? and pretend that i'm blogging for myself, for just recording my thoughts and feelings, when i know so well, that he is using this as a form of (in)direct contact?

and what do i do? i don't wish to self-censor, for that defeats the purpose of blogging. nor do i want to keep anything from him, lest he lets his head run wild.

i'm in such a weird position. it's like everything is moving forward, wants to move forward, and everything is leaving the past behind. everything, but my tangled thoughts and confused heart.

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Wednesday, October 03, 2007

an extremely long day

Posted by maei at 6:36 AM

these few days feel like they are just one extremely long day...

wake up, eat, study, sleep for a couple of hours, eat, study... and do some other stuff in between.

feeling extremely crappy now.

lol, just studied the whole night away, mugging for 2 consecutive tests which i was supposed to have enough time for.

i guess one can never be relaxed and think and plan out her mugging schedule... should just chiongchiongchiong ar!!!

not that i'm really blaming anyone lar, i understand that they didn't want to choose this time to have an extremely huge tiff, or blakforest jams on tuesdays and all. but sigh, i just feel so squeezed. like a deflated piece of lemon.

ah well, better get some sleep. even an hour would be good to recharge before i head for the exams braindead.

i want to break free of the tests!!! i want my days to feel like individual, discrete days again!!! i want a regular regime!!! a normal life!!! sigh, i'm starting to feel like my day just consisted of 80++ hours and there's 24 more to go.

jiayous jiayous jiayous!!!

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Monday, October 01, 2007

children day musings

Posted by maei at 10:28 PM

an article for childhood.

so many times in life, i guess we do wish time would just stop ticking, and you can forever remain in a single frame of time. one where you don't have to think about the future, or the past, where pet peeves and tempers and bad habits and background don't play a part in life.

when you can just pass time doing things of absolutely no consequence to your life, and each day is just as separate from yesterday as it is tomorrow.

that is what childhood is like.

when you don't have to worry about how your studying today might affect your sleep and exams the day after tomorrow.

hm.. actually i think all of what i may say is useless.

because the main point is that, childhood is when you can live today like there is no tomorrow.

not in the sense that today will be the last day, and you have to live it to the max, but in that there is no future to think of, and it will forever be just today, even after you wake up after a great night's rest.

that is what childhood is like.

there is a childhood in everything. not just in life. there is a childhood in every relationship you build. or every different relationship even with the same person. the childhood of a loving relationship, when all is like a honeymoon. the childhood of marriage, when children and retirement and who does what chores don't interrupt your lives.

childhood is something we should all celebrate. because it can only come once, and after that, no matter how you may wish to re-create the magic, it is always foreshadowed by the fact that tomorrow will always come with an extra day's worth of unresolved problems.

however, with each day that childhood is zealously held on to, it builds a dam higher and higher, behind which is yesterday's problems, and the yesterday before's, and the yesterdays before. this is a scenario when we say "please face the reality".

i wish my childhood were back here.

my childhoods. all of them.

but i guess it's just me being silly. because, eventually, i will have to face the problems and grow up, and step into the real world. the real world where all is not idealized, and your ealise that what you do today does in fact affect what happens tomorrow and while you were immersed in an endless loop of todays, the time continues to pass.

sigh.

wish i was a kid again. then i wouldn't be so terribly bothered by life, school and everything uncool.

happy children's day.

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happy children's day

Posted by maei at 10:12 PM

it's like saying happy birthday to yourself. no one around me even remembered it's children's day. even myself, tho it was prolly just a slip of my mind.

had a damn long and busy day today. sat for the first test of the week, and i think i totally blew it. sigh. and i have been up late studying for a couple of nights running. damn tired at times, but i guess i'll just have to push on.

do or die.

well, who can i blame. myself wor >__< for neglecting my studies. haiz.

spent over 20 bucks today and 2+ hours in the library printing and binding new notes, tutorial solutions, and stuff. and i printed out a copy of the piano scores for secret too!

all thanks to diana ^__^ she intro'ed a super great site to me. haha, funny thing, coz i knew it's sister site, jitapu.com (guitar scores) but i didn't ever think that there was a gangqinpu.com. haha.

and thank god it was a busy day too.

it's been a month. what should i say?

happy stuff, think happy stuff, angela... sigh. more like, think about school work. definitely will keep you upset enough, angie.

i guess it's terribly unfair that i whined about him taking off his blog. it's like i'm trying so hard to keep a distance, yet i'm not letting him keep his. maybe i'm really just still a little kid. haha.

well i guess it's apt. happy children's day.

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week of hell, part 2

Posted by maei at 5:39 AM

jiayous angela!!!!

week of hell is just about to start... sigh. tests tests and more tests. i can't wait for this week to be over...

ah well, get it all out of the way ba ^__^ hope i can keep up with this hellish study regime that has taken place over the past 2 nights. what pple do in half i sem, i will accomplish is half a week!!! roar!!!

but it's really rather tiring, and like now, i'll prolly be turning in late every night. pray i get enough time in between to rest up a little. kk, time to go to bed le!!!

and yes, doing up blogs get addictive. sigh, wish my account is new, or should i say, my blog is new, so i can customise it just as easily... apparently, this blog is old, so i cna't just add elements as and how i wish... BUT! i can still use the old skins from good ol' blogskins.com ^__^

kk le, really gotta go die on my bed le. waking up at 8... ahhh!!!!

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