Wednesday, August 22, 2007

i like my eggs runny. not my nose.

Posted by maei at 9:47 AM

runnin' runnin' and runnin' runnin' and runnin' runnin' and runnin'

like "let's get retarded".

only thing i know is, i'll get retarded if my nose keeps on running like this.

caught a cold yesterday morning and i haven't really gotten better... the weather's not helping much. the skies are having trouble with their noses too.

it's pretty much just plain cold.

i'm sitting in the library blogging now.

it only goes to show how reliant i've gotten to be on my hard copy of timetable. i attended the wrong class again today. heng it was just a normal tutorial. in fact, the class i'm supposed to be in just commenced 15 minutes ago. the class i attended was the class right before it. and due to that, i missed a lecture. sian diaos. totally.

i already missed one lecture of the same module on monday... sigh.

going for some proper breakfast now. considering to see a doctor after school today...

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Monday, August 20, 2007

shagged

Posted by maei at 9:30 PM

feeling totally tired out, after a whole night of not sleeping and fretting over... stuff. haha.

only attended tech comm today and spanish. basically, i skipped all the lectures. gotta chiong tutorials for tomorrow now. sigh.

guess what. i dio sabo'ed to be the group leader for my tech comm group. and we're doing a research paper on new and improved materials for solar cells *major sweatdrop* we don't even know what material the solar cells are made of NOW. speak of improvement... sigh. i foresee a lot of sai gang for me...

and best thing is, i walked into the wrong classroom today. there were 2 ongoing classes of tech comm, opposite to each other. and i well, sorta just entered the sala one.

and since discussion has already gone underway and stuff... *sigh* i guess i gotta get the teacher to swap me manually into her class... headache ar... how come i'm so blurr...

my facial features are going to start melting into each other if i get any blurrer.

...
*shiver* *cold wind blows* *shudder*

okay, not funny.

anyway, i managed to stay up all the way until kel was on his way to work, then i called for a short chat. it made me feel better, if only a little. it was good to just talk to him.

and guess what, mike was actually up all the way til around 5 plus am... which meant, while i was feeling down and wishing i could have had someone to just sit beside and stone with, he was playing on his psp the whole way. lol.

but it's not like i'd know, right? who the hell calls up someone else in the middle of the night just to stone?

and kel said that next time i can't sleep coz i'm feeling bothered, i can just call him. you have zero idea how good it feels to get this kind of assurance ^__^

sigh. kk, i gotta get back to work... i've still got a project meeting online at MIDNIGHT.

oh horrors.

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money.

Posted by maei at 4:41 AM

god i wish i had someone by me now. no need to talk. just to accompany me.

feeling damn down and vulnerable now. and fighting desperately not to cry. how is it possible for me to have spent so much without really noticing?

i'm about 50 bucks in debt, and have around 200 odd with other people. but my bank nalance is still super wudi low. and mummy has been depositing money in the account and i've spent my allowance, and the extra birthday money i got only boosts my bank account to around 230 bucks. how is that all possible?

kel has been under huge financial pressure too. and all this only started to snowball when i had to go for the preocedure.

how do we survive? am i going to have to ask for 'sponsorship' from mummy again? i think she'll die of fright when i let her know how much i have left in my account. but if i don't ask, i think she'll die of fright when she finds out by herself.

and i'm about 300+ bucks worth of driving classes behind. and i also have not dealt with my 100 bucks bill from singtel.

i need a job, but before that, i need cash.

and now i need someone by me, while i'm losing sleep over the matter. time seems to pass much faster. i don't think i can make it for school. i'm going to be damn shagged when the day hits. and then, i'm going to be behind in schoolwork too. great.

i have a proposal in mind for mummy.

do you think it'll work, if i tell her of my dire state, then ask for a 500 bucks loan, get a job and return her in instalments when i start receiving pay?

i think it's the best i can offer for now, because i'm really really really in dire straits.

but i'm really tired now, and i can't sleep. it's so much worse to try and get myself to sleep than to get myself to stay awake.

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Friday, August 17, 2007

flowers!

Posted by maei at 4:47 PM

whee!!!

so happy today ^__^ woke up to a huge surprise ^__^

there was this call in the morning, and the caller said he was from "Flowers Express" delivering a bouquet of flowers to Angela (that's me ^__^). and he just said somebody wanted him to deliver it, and there was no card or anything ^__^ obviously it had to be hubby, but it's still got a nice air of anonymity around it ^__^ so happy. haven't received flowers in a million years. and he took so much effor to surprise me, to find out about my timetable, and saying it's gotta do with his new book. LOL.

thank you so much hubby!!! i love the flowers and i love you too ^__^ waaaah. it was super sweet la ^__^

but i'm so worried. tonight i'll hvae practice and that means i'll have to bring it along. so scared the flowers will like die in the cold or smth... T__T

and i've got to thank mike too! mike and jerome got me a prezzie too ^__^ it's a round jigsaw puzzle. and a very pretty one too. with 4 pretty ladies in the front. haha. and a red octopus handphone accessory. apparantly, there's a story behind it, that within every pretty girl, there's a sotong in her. wahaha.

coz i'm really really very sotong. it's like, last night, when we were eating bei bei mian in jerome's room, mike was looking at jerome's laptop and he asked, "eh, how come here got sotong?" so when i leant over to see, and asked, "where?" he pointed at me and said, "here lor" and i was totally oblivious to it, and i asked 3 times "where" before i finally realised that there was no sotong on the laptop, and he was teasing me.

wth. hahahahahahahahahh.

anyway, mike took lots of effort to make it a surprise, too. wahaha. he pretended to leave his bag upstairs so that i'd have to pei him up and then he can give me my gift. wahaha, so cute, and i actually thot my blurrness was rubbing off on him, such that he forgot his bag.

apparently, he did the jigsaw immediately after we finished watching jackass2 yesterday. and bought that right before lunch. wahaha. and i never even noticed. haha.

thank you ^__^

i'm feeling so lucky to have people around me who dote on me ^__^ especially hubby ^__^ thank you for making this day so happy ^__^

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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

of jam bands and runny noses

Posted by maei at 11:08 PM

Typing this on a cab ride down to his place now. Emotions are like a terribly warped salt shaker of jumbled up thoughts and feelings.

I feel like he's right, you can't commit yourself well to any more than 1 thing at a time. Because to commit means to keep yourself available for any spontaneous activity. For example, the jam band expose that just suddenly popped up versus him being terribly sick and me having to rush back.

It's like I keep trying to keep myself free for hall and things just keep working against me. And no one has any idea how tired it’s all making me. It's like I've never had a holiday; all the fatigue of the previous semester just rushed back.

And it's making paranoid me feel like nothing I do, short of losing my boyfriend, will ever be enough to bridge the gap between myself and hall.

It's not anyone's fault. Maybe I'm really just taking on an impossible task. Because to commit myself to my boyfriend means to keep myself available for him, and to commit myself to hall means to keep myself available to hall. And while I'm available, all's fine, but then again, the challenge has always been weighing one against the other, and feeling guilty one way or the other.

And it doesn't help that hall is blind to other commitments. You are there, or you are not. Everyone is witness. I am thankful he is being understanding. And I know he is really really trying. It's just that his sickness pops up every so often it's defeating all my efforts.

I'm sounding really really biased too. In fact it’s the first time he's fallen sick after orientation. But it just reminds me so strongly of everything that's happened last semester, I can't help feeling like it's happened a million times to me – that something occurs suddenly in hall that I really should have been a part of, that I was needed at, and I'm not there, because he's ill.

I felt like this during orientation too, when he asked me to go back. You know I can never say no when you ask. Or when you make it a point to let me know you're super sick. You can't help it when you fall sick, I understand.

I'm sorry this is being so unfair to you, but I can't help feeling super paranoid that you're going to keep asking me to go over at every given opportunity. Can't help feeling that when you know I've got nothing preplanned for hall, you'll want me over. Can't help feeling that you're not really understanding at all.

I know you are trying. And I know it's an effort for you. But.

I hope it's really all just in my mind, and all that happened last year will not happen this year. Because of my hall commitments, and pragmatically, I stay in hall, precisely because I have no desire to have to squeeze with the crowd on the bus after a long stand on the train every morning. And having to wake two and half hours before a class, when I can wake merely 15 mins prior to lesson.

I do love you, you know.

I just wish luck was easier on me.

[in bed and turning in waaay before my normal bedtime]

i guess it will all work out ba. and i pray so too, for whatever i may feel or think, when i'm just here, beside him, it all seems fine, all in those few shared moments.

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spendthrift

Posted by maei at 5:07 PM

today was *supposedly* an early day ^__^ but i was a nice person.

in case you're wondering what being nice has to do with my early day, let me fill you in. generally, my wednesdays end at 1230. today, my wednesday ended at 1030. buahaha, coz MS2002 hasn't started tutorial sessions. anyway.

came back for a quick change after class, and woke mike up for lunch together with jerome. THEN i bought a new pair of denim shorts for 15 buck *squee* and it's very not bad de lor! haha, initially thot it might be too big, but fact proves that i've got enough of a butt to fill it up. the uncle who's selling it doesn't say, "still got pi gu." he says, "hou mian hai you rou." wahaha.

then i went and bought myself a new laptop skin. made in china de, so the quality is so-so nia. having second thoughts about it, but heck, the design's nice and the guy offered to cut for me for about 5 bucks. hope he does it nicely. but it sure is nice to have saved the effort of having to cut it yourself.

this is how it looks.



so the laptop skin costed 25 bucks, pre sticking costs. and the shorts costed 15. and in total, i've emptied my wallet of 40 bucks. just around school. some sort of smart saving. plus the little miss scatterbrain shirt. total of 58 bucks.

haiz. feel like tearing my hair. i keep telling myself, it's money i've intended to spend since... blahblahblah. ah well, money spent's money spent.

oh yeah, that doesn't explain why i was a nice person. basically it's coz i spent 3 hours in lecture with mike. for HIS lecture ^__^ nice right?

waiting for 10 more minutes to pass, now. going for max's movement class later, right before dinner. think i'll have a lot of psycho-motor problems. i can't even do the swivel thing!!! argh.

haha.

hope i have fun.

kel's nose was dripping terribly last night. i wonder if he's stopped sneezing yet. i sure hope so *scrunches up face* haiz...

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

psh psh A*BISH phwap piak

Posted by maei at 10:31 PM

went to watch flash point with kel earlier. WAH. the action is damn damn damn qiang la. donny yen is super cool.

like fridge. super cool.

i really mean it. but he like abit dai dai like that, but his sighting scenes all super power. his fists are like fshpshbsh damn fast damn fast. and the other guy who acted as the antagonist is also very good at fighting de, so the fight scenes are all very all-out. like it's a real life-or-death battle.

haha, the show is about some smugglers, and a pair of cops who are out to nab them. gu tian le, who is undercover and donny yen who is a super good fighter. donny yen's character is supposed to have rather violent tendencies, or rather, gets carried away easily when he's pummelling baddies. out of the 3 smugglers, 2 ended up dead, anyway.

haha. nothing much to blog about, except that it's been a slow day. maybe when i have some inspirational revelation or something interesting pops up, i'll blog again.

it's time to curb the "if i don't have a 2 page long entry, i shouldn't post" tendency ^__^

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all mixed up
[this post just gets lighter]

Posted by maei at 12:23 AM

in a nice place, everything can't be too perfect. there's got to be one or two of those really damn fucked up people who will mess with you from time to time.

kind of tired now. like all that anger's gone in a whoosh, leaving me tinier than ever, sitting in my own overstretched and sagging skin.

basically what happened, is that i put my sparkling new 'Little Miss Scatterbrain' shirt in the laundry to wash. and when i went down to collect it, i found it in a fresh pile of laundry, semi-soaked and with water filling up.

and i got really really pissed.

anyway, i stopped the process earlier to let it soak in the soap water some more. after a bit more of venting to kel, mike and whichever poor persons i was talking to on msn, i went back down, drained away the soap water and set fresh water for it to soak in for another 8 hours. let's see her need her clothes and want to take it back to realise it's all soaking wet. AND unwashed.

i had actually half a mind to just leave her clothes strewn all voer the machine and floor, and leave a note that says "sorry about the mess, i made it while trying to fish out my shirt". but that would be too much effort.

sigh.

and i was all excited about blogging about my new shirt when i bought it T__T basically it says 'Little Miss Scatterbrain' with her picture on it.

that didn't even feel remotely satisfactory.

it's weird how being angry leaves you all tired and spent at the end of it...

[back from supper and a super long talk with the janus people]
[time check: 0306hrs]

in good spirits now ^__^ the shirt i bought is a shirt that i've wanted to buy since i first saw it at a booth selling Little Miss t-shirts. it's so super cute la. and so apt, considering how i seem to be getting blurrer and blurrer everyday ^__^ scatterbrained ^__^

sigh. wanted to do an introspective post on anger and post-anger thoughts, but i can't muster up such heavy thoughts now. i guess i'll just leave this post short ba ^__^

nitez all ^__^ and kudos to a late late day tomorrow!

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Monday, August 13, 2007

cow dung.

Posted by maei at 11:29 PM

damn bored... all alone in my room and bored out of my wits.

[goes to collect her newly washed laundry]

back and pissed...

i put my new shirt into a washing machine for a quick wash so i could wear it tomorrow and guess what i found when i went down to pick it up. it was soaking wet in a pile of freshly-loaded laundry in the machine. THE GUTS OF THE PERSON TO PERFORM THIS KIND OF BULLSHIT!!!

fucking people. i bet it's a PRC. no self-respecting human would do this kind of shit to another person. i mean. a shirt in a machine is a shirt in a machine, right? you've got to take it out and dump it on the ground or wherever, i don't care. you don't wash your own clothes while someone else's fucking clothes are STILL IN THERE. and it wasn't like my shirt wasn't done, coz i made sure i gave it time to be done before going down to collect it.

i really don't understand what the FUCK is going on in these people's dumb minds. don't they know how to THINK? have INDEPENDENT THOUGHT that does not rely on eating cow dung to operate? i SWEAR if i ever, EVER found out who did that shit to my shirt, i'll give her the shittiest corner of my head to listen to.

NOBODY... *exasperated* i mean, how stupid can people get? i can't figure out what wire was short-circuited off such that they could actually pull off such silly acts. did they think my shirt needed a second washing?

i mean, who the hell...

aw crap, i'm repeating myself. fucked up business. going to cool it off before posting again.

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i'm here without you baby...

Posted by maei at 2:24 AM

i can't believe i came back to hall without my mouse of all things!!! ARGH!!! it's so... inconvenient. i can't even play minesweeper *grumbles*

and when i mentioned it to estelle. she told me she forgot too ^^"

blurr queens for the win ^__^

today was generally uneventful... went with kel to just shop around in causeway point. it felt so good, to just be out and walking, spending time out instead of in. i kinda missed that kind of feeling. it's kind of indescribable.

sometimes, i look at my friends and their respective partners, and i feel like what i spend my time doing with mine is so different. it's not like we go out that often, or even 'date'. we just stick around together.

not that it's a bad thing, mind you. it's got a kind of steady, regular, rhythmic, habitual feel. but it lacks the vibrance of young couples, somehow. it lacks a LIFE. yeah.

okay, so i'm being all superficial, but it's just me, i like going out together and spending time out together. so?

hm... then i came back to hall. basically just bummed around mike's room, watching hana kimi. the JAPANESE version ^___^

the girl is rather pretty, but she's so feminine! how could anyone possibly mistake her for a guy? even if she binds and all, her heart-shaped face is so... female. it's like, her features are so distinct. high and slightly wide cheekbones. pointed chin, and her face is roundish, as in not-long.

and the guys are simply eye candy. the person playing nakatsu (issit? that's what i heard) is so super cute la. he's got this mischievious look, and a totally makes-you-wanna-grin-and-swoon-at-the-same-time grin/smirk. and when he goes into one of his trance states. OMG!!!! so cute!!! especially when he's so convinced he's turning homosexual. wahaha. priceless ^__^

and the person playing sano... he's not exactly handsome, or bishie. BUT! he's got charisma. i think. it's kind of an acquired charisma at that. takes some time to set in. and OMG, he looks a bit like he ren dong. and fund resembles him in certain angles la.

haha.

nice nice. it's out til episode 6 now, and after watching 4 episodes straight at mike's, i koped the last 2 back. can't possibly stay up any later to watch le... i've got a 2-hour lecture on fourier series to kickstart a brand new week. brilliant.

but really gotta wake up early and stuff and OMG!!!! i FORGOT to get back my spanish text from mike's. damn. i've got spanish tomorrow EVENING. you heard me right. my spanish classes are at 1730. and they'll last til 1900. sigh... i wonder how much i can actually remember... thank goodness i at least have my handy notebook with me.

gotta chiong tutorials... really cannot procrastinate anymore... i've got a 3-hour break tomorrow between lectures that i resolve to spend in the library to do my tutorials, as well as print notes and stuff. and yes, before that, i've got to settle my HW210 and MS2072 vacancies.

workworkwork... jiayoujiayoujiayou!!!

then i guess i'm going to turn in le. damn shagged.

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Sunday, August 12, 2007

selfish

Posted by maei at 12:53 PM

listening to slow english songs of the 90's now, and feeling generally... not happy.

realised as i was sinking into slumber early this morning at 4, that i had thought very negatively about him in my previous post. that i had expected resistance and repulsion of the idea. went to sleep feeling rather lousy about the whole thing, at my own lack of faith in him.

stopped typing for a moment to let my thoughts wash over myself.

i talked to him this morning. i wasn't entirely right. he did not give any specific objections. he said, "i have no violent objections." but i could tell he wasn't remotely taken by the idea. i mentioned that i'd definitely be staying more than 2 nights a week in hall; and he went silent.

the worst that could happen is that you'll spend all your time with your friends and have none for me. then you can get yourself a new boyfriend from among your friends.

i don't know how to go on from here.

he sounded very contained throughout the conversation. he's been trying to accomodate more and more, and i suspect there's more than a hint of anxiety that i might be flying out of his reach. GIP, OC, then quitting wow, then upsized hall commitment. like a flower slowly breaking free of it's bud.

but i might be over-dramatising the whole thing.

eventually, he told me he was farming in-game. and then he told me off about how i never saw my commitments through. he... said stuff. but i guess i've gotten accustomed to his criticisms.

that's one other thing. with him, it's a lot of criticisms and less praise. not even praise. encouragement. his encouragements come in the form of constuctive criticism.

i don't know what i'm really thinking anymore. and i don't really know what i'm saying. i'm a very selfish person, i think. always placing myself at the foremost. whether it's about belonging, or needing understanding.

i guess it may be coming to the point in time that i have always expected to come along sometime. when one day i'll have to consciously make a decision to do be selfish, and do it, knowing that someone will be hurt in the process. i've seen most other girlfriends do it, and i try to avoid doing it consciously.

but i guess i've been failing.

and yet, maybe i won't have to make the decision. since i don't usually see my commitments through, and many times i do think too much before even taking the first step.

and even more times, i have qualms about this and that and everything before the whole... thing starts. and when it begins, i forget my qualms and end up hurting everyone, just like what i had worried about before.

i'm babbling, and the music isn't helping me shift my thoughts to more constructive and happy ones.

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revelations

Posted by maei at 2:44 AM

had a celebration dinner of sorts at fish&co today with the OC people, after which we went around to opposite istana to sit around and drink beer, and talk.

not much to cover on the night's activities, nor any interest to do so in great detail at the moment.

was more thinking of how i'd like my hall life altered.

alvin suggested i take part in the hexis main com as financial controller, instead of as an actress. and maybe take on the position of yin-sync assistant manager too.

it doesn't really sound too bad to me, considering that i'm really thinking of breaking out of my bubble of a hall life and start getting to know people and stuff around. to blend and make contact with the rest of the world.

but i'm seriously worried about whether i am up to the job. like, will i have to draft budget plans and stuff? who can i turn to for help if i can't do it? do i need any of the laoya accounting knowledge i picked up in the last semester for this job?

more than that, what will he think of this change?

obviously, i'm not going to be as free on weeknights. apart from a heavy school schedule, now i'm inviting more extra-curricular activities onto my seemingly packed schedule. and the newly-formed resolution to be around in hall as much as possible means to go over to his place much less.

i think he'll be rather unhappy about it. i wonder if he will understand. i wonder if i can understand myself, even.

through this camp, i can really feel a very different mindset that's reverberating around the hall6 people, especially the block34 residents. they are just so... enthusiastic and focussed on their commitments to hall.

sometimes i honestly wish i can be more like them. it all seems so effortless to commit when it's them.

hexis financial controller.

it's all so sudden. i'm still rolling the words around my tongue. it sounds weird even to my own ears. skali wenlong doesn't even want me to be the fin con, coz i don't have a business background.

but if i do become the financial controller, i want myself to know that i'm not committing for the sake of committing, for the sake of doing something, anything. am i?

i can't seem to give myself a definite answer at this point too, maybe because i haven't really considered the option before, until alvin brought it up tonight. and i'm terribly afraid it's going to end up just like any other one-night-stands. full of passion and forgotten in the morning.

do you think i can handle this?

then apart from that, i've got tonnes of tutorials to handle every week. minus wow, of course, but how much time does that leave me?

it all boils down back to the same question of how he will react to this, and how firm i can stand to my own decision.

because, other than the fact that i spent a good half of my previous year in hall cooped up with my laptop/at ginza/at his place, it's also coz of hiss constant influence to go over to his place that i'm never in hall at night.

but i can see this changing a little, on the bright side. due to work commitments, i guess kel is more accepting of me going over less. one thing is that he has to turn in early anyhow, and i need the time to travel and do my tutorials. plus the fact that i'm not exactly wow'ing anymore...

somehow, i just keep hoping he'll be able to understand all of my revelations on my past and future attitudes towards hall. i think it's time to start looking at the world outside of my relationship, outside of game, and outside of myself.

i want to belong.

it's weird how this theme keeps popping up. when i was in secondary school, i could never really fit into the class. we formed a clique named the hentai gumi (not). but we never really clicked with the majority.

when we advanced up to JC, i couldn't fit into any of the cliques. and it took immense effort and lots of time before i could blend in with melissa they all. i can still remember meishi telling me how i should make the effort and try to belong.

i feel like the whole issue has just resurfaced again, and it was handled pretty poorly in the first year at hall6. now it's going to take twice the effort to break down the exclusive barrier the people have formed, and reform it with myself in it.

suddenly, i wonder if he will be able to see the necessity in all of this. it's quite terrible. to be feeling left out and knowing it is because you haven't been there in the first place.

to feel like no one notices your absence or presence.

ganbatte angela.

suddenly i just feel so spent, and all my thots feel choked and my fingers are not doing their job at expressing them anymore.

frustrated and confused.

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Saturday, August 11, 2007

the garden swing

Posted by maei at 4:26 PM

this is a rebirth of my blog.

and as all births and deaths should be marked, this is a post to mark the monumental change in blog identity.

in every period of my life, i have kept blogs intermittently, and i have changed sites, and gave each a new name and identity as each was sculpted to my moods and personality, as i was sculpted by life.

for this blog, i have not done so, for i feel that as one changes, so does her blog. instead of holding on zealously to dead and stagnant blogs of the past, we should embrace it and give it a makeover, not put it aside and frame it up in unused links.

the previous incarnation of this blog was titled and defined by it's link, "appoggiature". the term means leaning notes, and it is highly descriptive of individuals in life.

leaning notes are no more than a split second of musical decoration in any piece. they do not form chords, nor do they play a large part in the general melody of the work. however, without them, a piece is bland. they are discordant to at least one note in the chord they lean on, but yet are immaterial without the support.

this is very much like individuals in life. we are all small and inconsequential in the workings of nature and politics. and we do not have identity if not for the people around us who embrace our differences and appreciate the sparks and occasional clash we bring about in their lives.

it is leaning notes that give form to a symphony, and we, individuals that give life to the world.

it is not that i have ceased to feel so, but that a deeper sanctuary is my hunt.

the Garden Swing is the image i have brought up for myself in vivid gothic strokes of an imaginary brush. a swing, nestled in heathers and weeds, behind overgrown hedges and backed by a strong, old tree. where within, no sound is audible but the rustle of leaves and chirping of crickets.

danger could be imminent behind the tree, unknown terrors within the hedges. but that all seems faraway, like a strange reassuring force and clam has settled on one. it is a place for fantastical and contemplative moments, and for small gatherings with close friends.

and then it strikes you that the security is all because this haven is tucked within the depths of the back-garden of your mind.

all sounds very thoughtful and dramatic, but i guess this is the whole feel i'm hoping to build my blog into. a safe haven for my quiet and crazy moments. the rest... i just couldn't help expanding on it. though i do hope you are not overwhelmed by the sudden lengthy descriptions, i do wish to express that these thoughts are rather sincere.

while this blog is not likely to be known to even a few of my close friends, it is rather fine, because essentially, a blog is one's own.

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yeppers, it does.

Posted by maei at 3:51 PM

alright baby ^__^ now it works, and i don't have to manually create 'titles' for my own blog headers anymore. coz now the title function of blogger works with the skin le ^__^ but hor. coz the previous one didn't, i must apologise that the previous posts will all look more than a little weird. let me just meddle a little more and i'll do a full intro to my new home in a later post ^__^

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this is a test post

Posted by maei at 3:47 PM

a trial to see the dynamics of this new skin i'm using... ^__^ hope ti all works out well... let's see.

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Friday, August 10, 2007

Posted by maei at 4:04 PM

art, music, and no speakers

have i mentioned that i like JJ Lin's new song? it's called 杀手. and the MV is super cool ^__^ it's rahter morbid, has a bit of a gruesome artistic gothic touch to it. and he looks totally killer psycho in his eyes. has the stalker look, and has totally suitable dance moves to boot.

in all, this is the best JJ Lin has ever looked to me ^__^ i wish i had a psycho killer friend around that looked this good. sigh.

listening to the song on loop. sadded that i've got no speakers. yet. thinking of bringing my 4.1 system into school. now wouldn't that be super cool ^__^ can have my own ktv session in room. think i might drive estelle mad. OOH. speaking of estelle, ezra helped her move her fridge in this morning ^__^ or last night.

oh, i was talking about 杀手. the MTV, the uncensored one, ends with him dismembering the girl and mounting all her separate body parts on different frames. red backdrop and gold frames. and arranged nicely. and the last part he put on was the head, with a tiara on it.

here's the link.

coz i can't seem to get it onto the site >__< sigh. this is only the uncensored mtv. there's apparently a full version that's about 20 mins long. and frm the janus pple, it sounded particularly gruesome. i think i'm going to check it out.

haha, i realise that i type a hell lot faster on my laptop. haha. and tonight there's YAC lessons. and i can hardly sing. my voice is back by about one third. i'm super scared i'll be tempted to sing, which i'm hardly supposed to.

anyway.

mike's at his magical voice of a singer class, and guess what, anselm is in his class too ^__^ it sounds like a nice elective to take. BUT! it clashes with Applied Chem, so i dun think that taking it would be a good idea. since i fought so hard for spaces in the class XP. so now i'm basically sitting back in my room and wishing desperately my speakers were here, coz i'm listening to songs on my laptop's sucky speakers.

alone, and unable to blast music. what a sad predicament.

loading the full version on youtube now. so excited to watch it. but i wonder if it's gonna be really really gory. but it can't get any worse than the forensic thing lynn they all showed me in conrad while i was on night shift.

[warning: unpleasant content]

can you imagine? i was on OVERNIGHT shift and they made me watch a video of a woman being opened up, her skin removed, skull cracked and all her insides put on a surgical table. i suppose it was supposed to be an informative video for doctors and forensic pathologists. but still. urgh.

it was such a methodical approach. like slicing open the skin/scalp. and stuff. i can still remember, but i guess i'l save you guys the gory details.

[unpleasant content over]

*shudders at memory*

there's gonna be a barbecue for all the janus pple next sunday! 19th august ^__^ and tomorrow there's gonna be a dinner for all the OC pple, at fish&co. i wonder how i'm going to get all my tutorials done at this rate. so many core subjects! haha.

can't wait for monday to arrive. there's going to be spanish tutorial!!! i kinda miss it. think i'm pretty rusty by now. the core subjects all look very "engineering"... i wish we had more science classes.

[pauses blogging to watch JJ Lin's video]

[unpauses]

actually, i haven't gotten around to watching it, coz i realised there were 3 parts to it, 10 mins + 10 mins + 2 mins.

so i'm going to wait for all 3 parts to load before watching everything at one shot. just so i can talk here a little longer ^__^ aren't you guys happy to have such a nice narrator?

given that at this point of time, i'm not releasing this blog to the general public yet, i have no idea who is it exactly that i'm talking to. and it's not like my blog has been widely visited even when it was up for public appreciation ^^" my guess is that the tricky spelling of the URL has something to do with it. it took me some time, back when i was learning these musical terms, to pick up the right spelling too. double-pee and double-gee. haha.

i like this blog name. i think it's very apt. don't you think so too? i've removed most of the descriptions of an appoggiatura from the main page, so it doesn't look quite consolidated now, the definitions, just scattered at the top of every page. took me some time yesterday to redefine the parameters for the blog image. the sucky thing about this is tat i can't seem to get the picture to fit the screen nicely. and i like the backdrop too much to change to one of the premade templates done by blogger.

but this skin really limits the functions of the blog. for one, and most importantly, is the comments thing. so sad right. that i have a blog no one can comment on. even a tagboard doesn't suffice man. and YES, for those of you who may come across this in the later future when i re-release this blog, i HAVE a tagboard. you can access it via the bottom-most leaf on the left.

i wonder sometimes, how long it takes pple to figure out how to navigate around my blog ^^"

almost loaded ^__^ tho i can easily start watching the first part and allow the second part to load in the 10 mins it takes to finish the first part, i will be a good host and not leave you guys to your own sad devices while you are here. because you're prolly pretty bored to be reading this in the first place ^__^

sometimes i think that for a person to be keeping up on your blog, it's a sign that the person actually cares about how you're getting on and stuff. unless you course you're like that xiaxue person who blogs for public appeal.

not me. i blog to record my thots, to babble and release pent up stuff, and for future reading purposes. i find that i like to return to my old blogs and read old posts and remember.

on the practical side, it's also to hone my writing skills and to ensure that my ability at expressing myself has not deteriorated to pathetic-ity. haha. tho i'm sure my talent at self-expression is far from previous standards that got certain schoolmates to praise verbally in a real-life conversation.

sigh. the good old days when my english proficiency remained where pple thot i couldn't speak chinese properly. now? i speak with a more than generous scattering of singlish dotting my speech/text/sms. it's not a good thing. even kelvin has commented on it.

but it's not something i regret consciously, coz i think that while having a good grasp of english is super handy in a lot of written tasks and cover letters and blogs and company functions, in the end, it's all about being able to communicate, right?

it would be so weird to use written english standards in normal day-to-day conversations. there are just so many phrases and expressions and terms that simply don't pop up in friendly chats. unless of course your friendly chats consists of full-blown intellectual debates on whether fish actually exist in the deep sea, and it's not the normal deep sea, but the deep sea deeper than the deep sea as we know. ah well.

and the video is loaded, so i'll let my virtual saliva regenerate itself while i stop talking online for a while and watch my 22 minutes worth of violent video.

[pauses blogging]

[unpauses]

it was... pretty cool, tho the dismembering parts, and the shots where you cna actually see what he's done is pretty little. was hoping there would be more. sort of. and the audio/video was not veyr synchronised. think the person who uploaded it screwed up super badly on that. sigh. all in all, slightly disappointed.

i guess if i can, i'll see if i can get my hands on the single. then i'll get to watch it in it's full gory (you didn't read that wrongly) on a proper tv, instead of having to squint at the subtitles and listen super hard on laptop speakers to understand what he's saying. think i'll cover more on this gruesome topic later, coz shieh yuan and huishan are coming up for a visit ^__^ yay.

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Posted by maei at 12:37 AM

dark circles

warning. this is a totally pointless post.

it's no wonder i'm getting super dark rings under my eyes... can't seem to feel tired before 2. so now i'm sitting in a dark room, focussing all my energies on keeping my typing volume low. and staring at a screen that's just one what'stheunitforlumination (candela?) from burning my eyes out.

i swear this isn't very healthy.

quitting wow is leaving me with one less source of entertainment late at night and with no earphones to listen to music/watch movies/youtube quietly with. maybe i might frequent msn again ^__^ who knows.

i guess having a luminous keyboard does help in this way. there is now no need to light up the whole room just to figure out what i'm typing into my blog entry. wahaha. and no, it isn't mine. it's kel's. if you haven't already figured out, i'm on this stealth mission coz my dearest hubby is asleep behind me.

the only reason why i'm not turning down the brightness of the monitor is coz i can't figure out which buttons to press... it's simply too dark in the dark. heh. super bored la.

praying for a miracle to happen now. i've got less than 20 hours tor ecover my voice sufficiently for a proper chorus of any song.

haha, making very random statements now. so many thoughts rushing thru my head, and all either too abstract to vocalise, verbalise, materialise, or i've already ranted somewhere sometime somehow le, and am sian'ed of repeating myself. so essentially, this particular entry is just a random entry to whittle away some time before i turn in.

shieh yuan dropped by hall on tues night, and it was such a treat to see her again. i haven't seen her in a million years. i got to see andrew on weds morning too. he looks like a cross between a chipmunk and a beaver. and it's not meant to be an insult whatsoever. just a comment ^__^

and estelle is actually yeeling's friend's friend! haha, so they know each other, and it's sucha coincidence that estelle's previous roomie is called emmeline too ^__^

gargh. think i'm giving up on this post. it's totally pointless. psh.

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Thursday, August 09, 2007

Posted by maei at 10:39 PM

morbid games

it's tiring, this morbid game we play.

it starts with you choosing a piece, an argument or comment flung offhand. it will always end in silence. it's process varies; sometimes it gets loud, others, strained and contained.

it's like a dance, both circling each other, in offense and defense. always swiping but never truly hurting. it's almost choreographed, in it's predictability and recently increased frequency. like rehearsals before a dreaded performance.

it's like a tussle, but never quite so bodily warm. often, it is sharp and cold, and provides grim satisfaction in landing a successful blow. it's like yearning for approval which is always denied, and returning with a vengeance.

in the end, it's all about well-placed words and poorly-chosen phrases. it's about tempers and patience and tolerance. of restrained voices and contained emotions. triumph and resentment.

this morbid game we play. it's testing my faith, but it's like we've fallen in a limbo and can't break out. helpless puppets, or crazed materminds?

and you ask me why i'm feeling emotionally spent.

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Posted by maei at 5:14 PM

1900-QUIT-WOW

maybe i'm really leaving wow for good. maybe it's a good thing.

recently realised how out of touch i am with the hall6 people. even during the camp, it felt like i was the 3rd and redundant leg of the 2-man operation of keeping the group up. it feels like...

yeah. a bystander looking in. especially when the girls are involved. it's just so weird. and it feels like my only link to the group is mike? not even alvin, so much, these days. sometimes i wonder if they feel like i'm some kind of a burden to bring along. like, having to constantly make concessions for me, instead of just immersing themselves totally in the group.

or maybe i'm just feeling too self-important.

back to less thoughtful stuff.

my voice has been gone for slightly over a week le. and tomorrow, i'm supposed to present a chorus of a song, any song, so that the vocal trainer can give us suggestions on how to improve, and have a better idea how we sound like. but i have no voice!!! how!!!

and next friday, that's 17th august, we've got a recording session. sigh. praying it will all work out nicely, and my voice will recover sufficiently. if not fully. still have no idea what songs to sing wor.

and kel isn't helping matters. everytime i ask or broach the subject, he'll just tell me how it's all my own fault that i've got no voice. well, maybe. but it's all because i haven't been giving my all that i'm alienated, that i'm feeling so out-of-touch. and all he can tell me is, why did you have to go and join the cheer fight, i told you you had to take care of your voice and such.

it really doesn't help. coz who do you think is the most anxious about this whole thing? you? no! you think i have no idea why? but it's all past and my voice is already as gone as it can possibly get. so why can't you be more supportive, and quit luo jing xia shi?

i guess i'm whining, and if you do get to read this, hubby, you'll prolly get pissed and we'll have a... heated talk.

not really argument. just, a heated talk. you'll lose your patience, and i'll lose my tolerance. and this has been happening so often these days.

there is hardly any substantial conversation we have that is not dotted with either your unhappiness or mine. and everytime we meet, there will be definitely something i do, or you dot hat makes either of us unhappy with the other. i'm so tired of it all.

and now that school is starting, i'll have less time, more commitments and stuff. and it feels like you're unhappy that i'm commiting myself back to something that i should have started commiting myself to last year.

and that's a reason why i'm quitting wow too. so that i've got the extra time to just nua and hang around when i'm not doing homework. i've got half a year to reduce my dependence on mike to link me to the group. half a year before he goes off on his IA. half a year for others to start noticing i exist and actively notice my existence.

jiayous angela.

(and cut down on these whine-fests soon, too)

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