Friday, October 05, 2007

tangled thoughts and confused heart

Posted by maei at 2:09 AM

heh ^__^ finally getting down to blogging after a couple days ^^"

today's paper was as shitty as shit really is shit. i'd be glad if ic an get even 10 out of 40 T__T but i guess that's behind and i don't really want to talk about it anymore. so much for studying >__<

other school matters... i still have a formal report to submit tomorrow, but the way things are going now,. i might ahve to submit it on monday instead. on the brighter side, i have a sample report to work with... so... haha, we'll see how things go.

other matters. mike's mum invited me to her birthday lunch on saturday >__< she literally went and asked him, "bring your girlfriend along." and then he was like (>--<) "i'll check with her." >__< huh... a bit de giving his mum the wrong impression right.

best of all, when i told mummy about it, all mummy said was, "you better be more courteous, k? and must behave yourself properly" lol.

sigh.

but it's all weirded up.

the only way i can possibly describe my own situation now is that there is FEEL, but the FEELING is not really there (and not really not there)(you gan jue, dan gan qing bing bu ming que). not there yet, as so many people have corrected me.

when i look back, i think it's a very natural thing. after all, it's a long descent from what i have shared with him...

shijie said, jerome said, others said, do i let this stop me from moving on? if everything has to start from where i left off, i guess it would be nearly impossible to move on with life, wouldn't it? after all, even when i started doubting myself, we were still such a loving couple.

the whole world is asking me, "why are you not giving him, giving the two of you, a shot?" "you guys are such a match, go anywhere, do anything, also can play play, have fun." "are you two a couple?"

but they don't see it from my point of view. is it fair for me to enter any form of relationship? now, when i still have his blog on my homepage, and his gifts on my bed?

all i can say is, i'm terribly glad he's not giving me any pressure about any of this matters. although i don't see why i should be particularly glad about it, coz it's only the right thing to do, isn't it?

if i do give the both of us a shot, is it coz i'm just looking for someone, anyone to replace him? or is it coz i'm really ready to take on another relationship?

i do feel this strange chemistry, it feels kind of sweet the way we can just tease, play, fool around and just basically do everything just like that. to be working in a partnership, serious or not, in most situations. it's a different kind of chemistry from what i shared with him, and from what i shared with himself previously.

but as always, my thoughts tend to drift back at times...

it's all rather confusing and i don't think "just follow your heart" can clear any of this up.

i still think of him. and i still want to keep up with his blog. and i still want to know how he's doing at times.

isn't it awfully weird to say "i will let go" and be keeping tabs on his blog every day? and pretend that i'm blogging for myself, for just recording my thoughts and feelings, when i know so well, that he is using this as a form of (in)direct contact?

and what do i do? i don't wish to self-censor, for that defeats the purpose of blogging. nor do i want to keep anything from him, lest he lets his head run wild.

i'm in such a weird position. it's like everything is moving forward, wants to move forward, and everything is leaving the past behind. everything, but my tangled thoughts and confused heart.

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