Sunday, October 07, 2007
Posted by maei at 2:36 PM
i know i said i won't blog for these couple of days, and i have been abusing this blog.
this used to be a space where i jotted my thoughts, feelings and all. now it's like a messageboard. it feels wrong. there is so much i want to shield away from the world.
i never ever use my contacts to call anyone i ever called a good friend or close friend. all the time. i call you, him, shieh yuan, my parents, brother, kor, kenny when we were closer, jS when we were closer, all by keying in all 8 numbers one by one.
i'll admit, sometimes, when i'm alone with naught to do, i'll pick up the phone, and habitually, the first number under my thumb would be 8. it's just like sometimes, when i want to call my mum, i pick up the phone, and my fingers hit his number instead of hers.
you ask who i would call, but that depends on what the situation is, doesn't it? what now can really bother me that i would want to seek comfort that i cannot give myself?
and i don't know what you're thinking of, but there has never been sweet nothings exchanged. friendly encouragements, stupid messages to cheer a down friend up, nonsense, yes. what do you think? that he has been showering me with "i love you"s, "i don't want to see you hurt"s, "i miss you"s and "be my girlfriend"s? how do you think i will react if he has been? you know and i know that this is not the kind of support i look for, or want. not at this kind of time.
yes, i may not be as upset if he were to disappear from my life, nor may i be as sad if i were forcefully taken from hall. but i would rather think that being upset now is a good thing. i would hate the day when if you were to call, i would take it with frustration rather than upset.
this upset or not thing, i can say i'm pretty disappointed that you can even make comparisons this way. i thought you should know better than that. is that how you think of me after knowing me for so long? i don't think so, but don't make me think you think so.
i just hope that you can think better of me than someone who will call another when she misses someone, or cry on a shoulder imagining it was someone else's. speak to someone wishing to hear another person's voice.
i am better than that. you know it.
i don't know how you expect me to react to your post, or anything anymore. and i don't think i owe you any answers. this is all i can say.
i'm sorry. i think this response prolly feels like i'm slamming you. maybe i'm just being a kid.
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