Sunday, August 12, 2007

selfish

Posted by maei at 12:53 PM

listening to slow english songs of the 90's now, and feeling generally... not happy.

realised as i was sinking into slumber early this morning at 4, that i had thought very negatively about him in my previous post. that i had expected resistance and repulsion of the idea. went to sleep feeling rather lousy about the whole thing, at my own lack of faith in him.

stopped typing for a moment to let my thoughts wash over myself.

i talked to him this morning. i wasn't entirely right. he did not give any specific objections. he said, "i have no violent objections." but i could tell he wasn't remotely taken by the idea. i mentioned that i'd definitely be staying more than 2 nights a week in hall; and he went silent.

the worst that could happen is that you'll spend all your time with your friends and have none for me. then you can get yourself a new boyfriend from among your friends.

i don't know how to go on from here.

he sounded very contained throughout the conversation. he's been trying to accomodate more and more, and i suspect there's more than a hint of anxiety that i might be flying out of his reach. GIP, OC, then quitting wow, then upsized hall commitment. like a flower slowly breaking free of it's bud.

but i might be over-dramatising the whole thing.

eventually, he told me he was farming in-game. and then he told me off about how i never saw my commitments through. he... said stuff. but i guess i've gotten accustomed to his criticisms.

that's one other thing. with him, it's a lot of criticisms and less praise. not even praise. encouragement. his encouragements come in the form of constuctive criticism.

i don't know what i'm really thinking anymore. and i don't really know what i'm saying. i'm a very selfish person, i think. always placing myself at the foremost. whether it's about belonging, or needing understanding.

i guess it may be coming to the point in time that i have always expected to come along sometime. when one day i'll have to consciously make a decision to do be selfish, and do it, knowing that someone will be hurt in the process. i've seen most other girlfriends do it, and i try to avoid doing it consciously.

but i guess i've been failing.

and yet, maybe i won't have to make the decision. since i don't usually see my commitments through, and many times i do think too much before even taking the first step.

and even more times, i have qualms about this and that and everything before the whole... thing starts. and when it begins, i forget my qualms and end up hurting everyone, just like what i had worried about before.

i'm babbling, and the music isn't helping me shift my thoughts to more constructive and happy ones.

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