Sunday, August 12, 2007

revelations

Posted by maei at 2:44 AM

had a celebration dinner of sorts at fish&co today with the OC people, after which we went around to opposite istana to sit around and drink beer, and talk.

not much to cover on the night's activities, nor any interest to do so in great detail at the moment.

was more thinking of how i'd like my hall life altered.

alvin suggested i take part in the hexis main com as financial controller, instead of as an actress. and maybe take on the position of yin-sync assistant manager too.

it doesn't really sound too bad to me, considering that i'm really thinking of breaking out of my bubble of a hall life and start getting to know people and stuff around. to blend and make contact with the rest of the world.

but i'm seriously worried about whether i am up to the job. like, will i have to draft budget plans and stuff? who can i turn to for help if i can't do it? do i need any of the laoya accounting knowledge i picked up in the last semester for this job?

more than that, what will he think of this change?

obviously, i'm not going to be as free on weeknights. apart from a heavy school schedule, now i'm inviting more extra-curricular activities onto my seemingly packed schedule. and the newly-formed resolution to be around in hall as much as possible means to go over to his place much less.

i think he'll be rather unhappy about it. i wonder if he will understand. i wonder if i can understand myself, even.

through this camp, i can really feel a very different mindset that's reverberating around the hall6 people, especially the block34 residents. they are just so... enthusiastic and focussed on their commitments to hall.

sometimes i honestly wish i can be more like them. it all seems so effortless to commit when it's them.

hexis financial controller.

it's all so sudden. i'm still rolling the words around my tongue. it sounds weird even to my own ears. skali wenlong doesn't even want me to be the fin con, coz i don't have a business background.

but if i do become the financial controller, i want myself to know that i'm not committing for the sake of committing, for the sake of doing something, anything. am i?

i can't seem to give myself a definite answer at this point too, maybe because i haven't really considered the option before, until alvin brought it up tonight. and i'm terribly afraid it's going to end up just like any other one-night-stands. full of passion and forgotten in the morning.

do you think i can handle this?

then apart from that, i've got tonnes of tutorials to handle every week. minus wow, of course, but how much time does that leave me?

it all boils down back to the same question of how he will react to this, and how firm i can stand to my own decision.

because, other than the fact that i spent a good half of my previous year in hall cooped up with my laptop/at ginza/at his place, it's also coz of hiss constant influence to go over to his place that i'm never in hall at night.

but i can see this changing a little, on the bright side. due to work commitments, i guess kel is more accepting of me going over less. one thing is that he has to turn in early anyhow, and i need the time to travel and do my tutorials. plus the fact that i'm not exactly wow'ing anymore...

somehow, i just keep hoping he'll be able to understand all of my revelations on my past and future attitudes towards hall. i think it's time to start looking at the world outside of my relationship, outside of game, and outside of myself.

i want to belong.

it's weird how this theme keeps popping up. when i was in secondary school, i could never really fit into the class. we formed a clique named the hentai gumi (not). but we never really clicked with the majority.

when we advanced up to JC, i couldn't fit into any of the cliques. and it took immense effort and lots of time before i could blend in with melissa they all. i can still remember meishi telling me how i should make the effort and try to belong.

i feel like the whole issue has just resurfaced again, and it was handled pretty poorly in the first year at hall6. now it's going to take twice the effort to break down the exclusive barrier the people have formed, and reform it with myself in it.

suddenly, i wonder if he will be able to see the necessity in all of this. it's quite terrible. to be feeling left out and knowing it is because you haven't been there in the first place.

to feel like no one notices your absence or presence.

ganbatte angela.

suddenly i just feel so spent, and all my thots feel choked and my fingers are not doing their job at expressing them anymore.

frustrated and confused.

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