Wednesday, August 15, 2007
of jam bands and runny noses
Posted by maei at 11:08 PM
Typing this on a cab ride down to his place now. Emotions are like a terribly warped salt shaker of jumbled up thoughts and feelings.
I feel like he's right, you can't commit yourself well to any more than 1 thing at a time. Because to commit means to keep yourself available for any spontaneous activity. For example, the jam band expose that just suddenly popped up versus him being terribly sick and me having to rush back.
It's like I keep trying to keep myself free for hall and things just keep working against me. And no one has any idea how tired it’s all making me. It's like I've never had a holiday; all the fatigue of the previous semester just rushed back.
And it's making paranoid me feel like nothing I do, short of losing my boyfriend, will ever be enough to bridge the gap between myself and hall.
It's not anyone's fault. Maybe I'm really just taking on an impossible task. Because to commit myself to my boyfriend means to keep myself available for him, and to commit myself to hall means to keep myself available to hall. And while I'm available, all's fine, but then again, the challenge has always been weighing one against the other, and feeling guilty one way or the other.
And it doesn't help that hall is blind to other commitments. You are there, or you are not. Everyone is witness. I am thankful he is being understanding. And I know he is really really trying. It's just that his sickness pops up every so often it's defeating all my efforts.
I'm sounding really really biased too. In fact it’s the first time he's fallen sick after orientation. But it just reminds me so strongly of everything that's happened last semester, I can't help feeling like it's happened a million times to me – that something occurs suddenly in hall that I really should have been a part of, that I was needed at, and I'm not there, because he's ill.
I felt like this during orientation too, when he asked me to go back. You know I can never say no when you ask. Or when you make it a point to let me know you're super sick. You can't help it when you fall sick, I understand.
I'm sorry this is being so unfair to you, but I can't help feeling super paranoid that you're going to keep asking me to go over at every given opportunity. Can't help feeling that when you know I've got nothing preplanned for hall, you'll want me over. Can't help feeling that you're not really understanding at all.
I know you are trying. And I know it's an effort for you. But.
I hope it's really all just in my mind, and all that happened last year will not happen this year. Because of my hall commitments, and pragmatically, I stay in hall, precisely because I have no desire to have to squeeze with the crowd on the bus after a long stand on the train every morning. And having to wake two and half hours before a class, when I can wake merely 15 mins prior to lesson.
I do love you, you know.
I just wish luck was easier on me.
[in bed and turning in waaay before my normal bedtime]
i guess it will all work out ba. and i pray so too, for whatever i may feel or think, when i'm just here, beside him, it all seems fine, all in those few shared moments.
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