Thursday, February 22, 2007

Posted by maei at 12:40 AM

ramblings of a confused mind

i'm posting here because i don't trust myself to write it in my journal without tearing the page out. in fact i might just get back into the blogging habit. but this time it really is for my own viewing pleasure, simply because everyone prolly thinks this blog is a dead blog. and i wouldn't want to remind anyone of it's existence.

this post is about a guy called kenny.

first things first. chances are he's trying to chase me. i do love my boyfriend KELVIN a lot. i do. but i do like to hang out with kenny a lot too, as a friend. BUT somehow i have a hunch that we don't see eye to eye on this.

one big query i have is that does kenny want me to know he's interested? my guess is, "prolly not." coz he's been placing emphasis on how he's a great FRIEND, and how he thinks i'm his close and good FRIEND, and how it's cool that he has a PLATONIC female FRIEND.

so it all sounds good, and maybe it's just my vanity making me feel that he's interested.

BUT THEN he does stuff that are extremely suggestive. just now only, did he call and tell me, "hey angela, you can come to MOS with jerome and his girlfriend, then i promise you i'll pei ni." he even offered to pay my cab fare from clementi to MOS when i told him i had KTV til 9. amidst other stuff he did that i'm just too sick of mentioning after running them thru my head guessing his motive a million times over.

and i do love him, but on my side, purely platonic. i love it the way we share common interests. like wakeboarding, and recently, squash. we're classmates, and we have every reason to study together.

jerome tells me the way i behave is suggestive. period. and it's not even just to him. to everyone, in general. it's just me ^^ so i shld go on being myself, and if he cracks, it's really just him. time enough will show i'm honestly just MYSELF.

dearie has been rather unhappy about him. i would give him every right to be, seeing the way his girlfriend acts without a thot to discourage her suitor. the very fact that i don't want to explicitly DISCOURAGE him is ENCOURAGING him in his eyes. am i? but i'm just me, i just wanna do the things i wanna do with a friend!

dearie thinks that i have every right to use "because my boyfriend doesn't like it" as a reason to ward off his every "advance". but what happens if i don't mind his "advances"?

now this sounds a bit complicated. we all know that his moves are "advances". BUT if we choose to be innocent and see them as sincere friendly gestures, what reasons do i really have to reject them? and i do view him as a really good friend. especially since he's been trying to convince me of his concurring views, i might as well just play it his way, and just accept his "advances" as friendly gestures for a very good friend, right?

this mentality is what i'm clearly aware that's giving dearie all his insecurity. that one day kenny might take me away from him.

for my mental state now, i'm very clear that if there had to be such a day that kenny would crack, i'll stand by kelvin. through and through. simply because i love kelvin. more.

but in the meantime, i'm so torn. knowing that i could easily make kelvin feel better and less tired and less insecure by rejecting everything kenny sends my way, and NOT doing it. simply because i do enjoy doing stuff with kenny just as a good friend.

jerome's a really cool guy. at least he sees things for me. and not for any of the other people involved in this weird situation.

the trouble is, he's presenting a reality i believe both me and kelvin would rather thinkdid not exist. and me, i'd like to think it's impossible, but recently it's possibility just loomed bigger and bigger...

that one day, i'll find someone whom i'm really more confortable with and break up with kel, choosing instead to seek comfort in the other.

i like to think that will not happen to me.

when will this blow over? i really really pray that things will come out just as they had been, that i will not lose my mugging partner, my friend and my classmate. and that at the end of it we will see eye-to-eye and still be able to laugh and joke about it.

i hope it all comes to a peaceful end.

and whether or not i'll end up with kel for like whatever future i might have will remain in the hands of a future yet unseen.

i can only hope.

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