Thursday, February 22, 2007

Posted by maei at 11:04 PM

fighting no more

i'm not going to fight anymore.

because my constructed reasoning and justifications just revealed themselves for what they really are. and so dearie is mad.

and you know what the funny thing is? the event that sparked it all off had NOTHING to do with kenny. it was a mis-sms to jerome.

i don't believe how dumb i was. to not have realise that in dearie's eyes, jerome was no different from kenny.

i admit it, there are many things which i do not tell dearie about kenny. which i hide and guard from him, that i let jerome in on. but with regards to jerome, no. because i feel that kenny has the greater potential to deal the crushing blow to dearie. i wanted to handle it all by myself. and until this moment, i still maintain that i can handle it.

people just don't ever realise that i don't need advise. how many times do i heed it? people don't see that i THINK. that i CONSTRUCT. that i CONSIDER. that i DECIDE. even before they open their mouths. even before i ask.

that's why i've been able to give justifications so readily for my actions. a move that proved too clever for myself. dearie thot i was being dismissive.

maybe i'm really just losing myself. throwing caution to the wind. flirting with fire. being too bold.

i never did speak to anyone like that. never did ask anyone out to chill. never made the first move. i was smart enough.

what's coming over me? it's not deliberate. i like to think that it's just me coming out of my own little closet.

of course dearie is upset i share more with jerome and mike than anyone. because they don't have his interests at heart. they have MINE. which do not necessarily conincide with his.

because love is selfish. if possible, dearie would have me blinded and deaf so that i will never have the chance to receive the love of another. and risk having me succumb to a potentially better guy. because he loves me. i understand.

maybe i'll react the same way if it were a girl on his heels.

but me. i really just wanna have some fun. i just want to do what i like to do, what i want to do. there are so many things that dearie cannot or will not or do not want to do with me. they say love means sacrifice. maybe i'm just not that generous.

or maybe i've really gone overboard.

but in the end the person i'll return to is you! why can't you see it? or maybe i'm too naive?

i know it's the last.

because just staying by you is not loving you. to put you in the topmost priority. to think about how you would feel and act accordingly. to understand. that is love. it's not about sacrifice. it's about thinking. for your other half. and in thinking, you may need to put aside some stuff. that's love.

but here are so many things i can't put down just like that.

but i'm so tired of justifying, of reasoning. day in day out. just to fight for a chance to do what i want. for you to understand.

maybe i've really gone overboard. fought too much. been too demanding.

i'm just so tired.

i'm not gonna fight anymore.

i'll just drift, afloat on this river. and i'll come back.

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