Friday, February 23, 2007

Posted by maei at 3:55 AM

liberated

it's amazing what a friend can do for you.

jerome came over and we had a really long chat. i cried, when i was relating to him about dear. a general summary of how i felt, and everything...

and thru this talk i realised pleasant things and unpleasant things that i had already known. what do they call it? rediscovery.

and the funny thing is, tho' i knew them all along, it just felt more empowering when i spoke them aloud to another person. i never had a friend whom i could share relationship woes... the last person i talked to was kor, about a year ago. and even he didn't know me this well.

i couldn't talk to mummy or daddy or weiwei or shieh yuan or anyone for that matter.

it's odd how introverted i can be, and what a reclusive person i am. but jerome. i'm thankful for this friend of mine. he knows and i know that we really are just what we are. very good friends.

it felt really liberating to talk. i was close to an emotional breakdown, and talking to him allowed me to reorganise my thots and feelings. he had his own fair share of problems, which is of course inconvenient to mention here.

there are many details which i shall not dwell on now. i'll save them for a later time, when my eyes are not burning with tears already drying on tissues in the bin.

i just want to jot down the feeling of liberation from my breakdown.

thank you brudda.

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Posted by maei at 11:04 PM

fighting no more

i'm not going to fight anymore.

because my constructed reasoning and justifications just revealed themselves for what they really are. and so dearie is mad.

and you know what the funny thing is? the event that sparked it all off had NOTHING to do with kenny. it was a mis-sms to jerome.

i don't believe how dumb i was. to not have realise that in dearie's eyes, jerome was no different from kenny.

i admit it, there are many things which i do not tell dearie about kenny. which i hide and guard from him, that i let jerome in on. but with regards to jerome, no. because i feel that kenny has the greater potential to deal the crushing blow to dearie. i wanted to handle it all by myself. and until this moment, i still maintain that i can handle it.

people just don't ever realise that i don't need advise. how many times do i heed it? people don't see that i THINK. that i CONSTRUCT. that i CONSIDER. that i DECIDE. even before they open their mouths. even before i ask.

that's why i've been able to give justifications so readily for my actions. a move that proved too clever for myself. dearie thot i was being dismissive.

maybe i'm really just losing myself. throwing caution to the wind. flirting with fire. being too bold.

i never did speak to anyone like that. never did ask anyone out to chill. never made the first move. i was smart enough.

what's coming over me? it's not deliberate. i like to think that it's just me coming out of my own little closet.

of course dearie is upset i share more with jerome and mike than anyone. because they don't have his interests at heart. they have MINE. which do not necessarily conincide with his.

because love is selfish. if possible, dearie would have me blinded and deaf so that i will never have the chance to receive the love of another. and risk having me succumb to a potentially better guy. because he loves me. i understand.

maybe i'll react the same way if it were a girl on his heels.

but me. i really just wanna have some fun. i just want to do what i like to do, what i want to do. there are so many things that dearie cannot or will not or do not want to do with me. they say love means sacrifice. maybe i'm just not that generous.

or maybe i've really gone overboard.

but in the end the person i'll return to is you! why can't you see it? or maybe i'm too naive?

i know it's the last.

because just staying by you is not loving you. to put you in the topmost priority. to think about how you would feel and act accordingly. to understand. that is love. it's not about sacrifice. it's about thinking. for your other half. and in thinking, you may need to put aside some stuff. that's love.

but here are so many things i can't put down just like that.

but i'm so tired of justifying, of reasoning. day in day out. just to fight for a chance to do what i want. for you to understand.

maybe i've really gone overboard. fought too much. been too demanding.

i'm just so tired.

i'm not gonna fight anymore.

i'll just drift, afloat on this river. and i'll come back.

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Posted by maei at 2:27 PM

life in mono

the stranger sang a theme
from someone else's dream
the leaves began to fall
and no one spoke at all

but i can't seem to recall
when you came along

ingenue ingenue
i just don't know what to do

the tree-lined avenue
begins to fade from view
drowning past regrets
in tea and cigarettes

but i can't seem to forget
when you came along

ingenue ingenue
i just don't know what to do

such a sorrowful theme... it's a song that will really strike a chord in your heart. life in mono.

*sigh*

i really really love this song. it's on loop and playing whenever i'm in my room.

and i'm in my room now because i'm seriously contemplating whether or not i should go for my accounting tutorial.

firstly my legs hurt so much... from 2 hours of squash. which isn't much, but because i've been so out of shape, and i didn't do a proper stretch down, my right calf, both quads, lower back and right deltoid are hurting like shit.

secondly i didn't do my tutorial.

thirdly i just honestly don't feel like going.

BUT! i've missed one tutorial without reason le. if i miss another i wonder how it's gonna affect my grades? i think 10% of my grades are supposedly based on participation... budden i'm already intending to SU my accounting...

think i'll more or less be skipping it le... sian feel so slack. maybe i should take this time to study?

hm. but i think there are a couple of interesting fics out there....

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Posted by maei at 12:40 AM

ramblings of a confused mind

i'm posting here because i don't trust myself to write it in my journal without tearing the page out. in fact i might just get back into the blogging habit. but this time it really is for my own viewing pleasure, simply because everyone prolly thinks this blog is a dead blog. and i wouldn't want to remind anyone of it's existence.

this post is about a guy called kenny.

first things first. chances are he's trying to chase me. i do love my boyfriend KELVIN a lot. i do. but i do like to hang out with kenny a lot too, as a friend. BUT somehow i have a hunch that we don't see eye to eye on this.

one big query i have is that does kenny want me to know he's interested? my guess is, "prolly not." coz he's been placing emphasis on how he's a great FRIEND, and how he thinks i'm his close and good FRIEND, and how it's cool that he has a PLATONIC female FRIEND.

so it all sounds good, and maybe it's just my vanity making me feel that he's interested.

BUT THEN he does stuff that are extremely suggestive. just now only, did he call and tell me, "hey angela, you can come to MOS with jerome and his girlfriend, then i promise you i'll pei ni." he even offered to pay my cab fare from clementi to MOS when i told him i had KTV til 9. amidst other stuff he did that i'm just too sick of mentioning after running them thru my head guessing his motive a million times over.

and i do love him, but on my side, purely platonic. i love it the way we share common interests. like wakeboarding, and recently, squash. we're classmates, and we have every reason to study together.

jerome tells me the way i behave is suggestive. period. and it's not even just to him. to everyone, in general. it's just me ^^ so i shld go on being myself, and if he cracks, it's really just him. time enough will show i'm honestly just MYSELF.

dearie has been rather unhappy about him. i would give him every right to be, seeing the way his girlfriend acts without a thot to discourage her suitor. the very fact that i don't want to explicitly DISCOURAGE him is ENCOURAGING him in his eyes. am i? but i'm just me, i just wanna do the things i wanna do with a friend!

dearie thinks that i have every right to use "because my boyfriend doesn't like it" as a reason to ward off his every "advance". but what happens if i don't mind his "advances"?

now this sounds a bit complicated. we all know that his moves are "advances". BUT if we choose to be innocent and see them as sincere friendly gestures, what reasons do i really have to reject them? and i do view him as a really good friend. especially since he's been trying to convince me of his concurring views, i might as well just play it his way, and just accept his "advances" as friendly gestures for a very good friend, right?

this mentality is what i'm clearly aware that's giving dearie all his insecurity. that one day kenny might take me away from him.

for my mental state now, i'm very clear that if there had to be such a day that kenny would crack, i'll stand by kelvin. through and through. simply because i love kelvin. more.

but in the meantime, i'm so torn. knowing that i could easily make kelvin feel better and less tired and less insecure by rejecting everything kenny sends my way, and NOT doing it. simply because i do enjoy doing stuff with kenny just as a good friend.

jerome's a really cool guy. at least he sees things for me. and not for any of the other people involved in this weird situation.

the trouble is, he's presenting a reality i believe both me and kelvin would rather thinkdid not exist. and me, i'd like to think it's impossible, but recently it's possibility just loomed bigger and bigger...

that one day, i'll find someone whom i'm really more confortable with and break up with kel, choosing instead to seek comfort in the other.

i like to think that will not happen to me.

when will this blow over? i really really pray that things will come out just as they had been, that i will not lose my mugging partner, my friend and my classmate. and that at the end of it we will see eye-to-eye and still be able to laugh and joke about it.

i hope it all comes to a peaceful end.

and whether or not i'll end up with kel for like whatever future i might have will remain in the hands of a future yet unseen.

i can only hope.

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