Thursday, April 20, 2006

Posted by maei at 10:48 AM

bee-sy day

was a busy morning! wahaha. for a change. busy due to phone calls tho'. thank goodness it wasn't due to phone faults or something...

i realise that the bus 857 makes me think a whole lot about my relationship with kel. maybe coz our relationship started off on the very same bus? haha. can still remember the days when we would go home together from suntec on the bus, and he would send me up to the 12th floor. we would chat, a lot. and we would take public transport together everyday. we used to say, all our time spent together are on public transport, and our relationship was built on buses and trains.

i missed those days, somehow.

i think a lot. sometimes, i think i'm thinking too much for my own good. the main point here being that i'm not thinking constructive stuff. i'm not thinking happy stuff.

i'm thinking, do i see him in my future? as of now, no. and it's not likely to change anytime soon. or so i think. because it's not his situation. it's his thinking... and him. there's just... something. i don't know how to put this across.

i'm changing my thinking... i used to hope that oen day, i'll see some changes in him, or rather, that the him i know is temporary. i really don't mind his sloppiness (at times) but it's not something i would want to live with, like always. you see what i mean? he was like this, before i came into his life, and i'm starting to think he will always be. and his procrastinating nature. he once told me he didn't use to be like that before she screwed his life. but i don 't see him bouncing back. i don't know... these are all flaws that i can live with, but not like, always.

and i'm starting to think... do i see him in my future? is his future one i see myself in? and i'm not getting affirmative answers. and then, i think again. why? what's the point then, if we go on together? it's my mum's voice, telling me that. you know, this is terrible. it was exactly the same thing that happened with JD.

and all this is going on in my head. i wonder what he is thinking at the moment... i wonder if he know how i feel. i wonder if he's ever given all of this a thought.

see? thinking too much... but of course, all of this is just a small insistent thought in my head. i still do feel very much for him. i don't know. i don't know what i'm goiing to do about this. i don't know... i'm really lost at times. i think one day, i will be unable to keep all of these thoughts in my head, and i will speak to kor. and when that day comes, it will be... sad.

you know, i just recalled a scene... at the playground, where he used to drop by, after work. he was saying, you keep bottling all these negative feelings up, and you try to resolve them by yourself. and if you can't, and they build up, one day, you will be unhappy, and you'ld want to break up with me, and i wouldn't know why it all happened, because it's all been in your head.

have i already taken it a step too far?

there are so many different thoughts, all disjointed, running through my head. it's not making me happy. but i think if they one day get sorted and i get an answer, it'll make me sad.

but let's not say sad things.

the food in the canteen was actually pretty decent today ^_^

feeble.

blah >_< nvm, will update again later... prolly with more dolls.

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