Thursday, March 30, 2006
Posted by maei at 11:59 PM
i'm BACKbut of course, that's only for me to know, until probably a long time later when i feel like i don't want to keep this blog private anymore, or until somebody comes back for nostalgia's sake and stumbles upon this site.
i'm feeling the whole weight of the situation on my shoulders now... this is about the 2nd time it has ever bugged me so much. the first time, i was on ubin, on a recce trip for orientation hike 2005. i was so miserable, i sat by the metal fencing of tian chi and cried... and angell came over and asked if i was okay. don't think she heard me, but it was really nice of her...
it was resolved the very next morning.
this time around, i don't know yet when it'll be okay. like duh. i've never once looked forward to having it so much before, i guess...
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back from a 90 min break, and it's resolved. phew. paranoia will kill me one day.
this was precisely why mum had been so angry when i told her time and again that i'll be popping by kel's place... she thinks i'm creating chances. but well, there is always a lot more dust behind the curtains than the audience sees. and such a surprise it should be that my colleagues are the first ones to catch sight of it.
had this huge tiff with mum this morning... not really a tiff, i was only on the receiving end of the entire business. she said... hurtful things. but truths they were. about how it shouldn't be that he's ome the whole time and i'm the one making the move all the time... physically. or why that is even. and about how men should always seek improvement.
and the sad thing about the matter is, i'm fully aware of all she's telling me. for a few months, i can tell you, i've been getting these really really down bouts about the very same matters. and each time, i tell myself to trust that he knows what he's doing, what he wants to do, and what he has to do. and with each time, it just gets worse... today was especially bad. since mum put him down, and i can't really put up a good defense for him in any way. simply because i myself am feeling so shaky about the whole matter le.
she said, "he'd better do something about himself. prove himself. or one day, we will stand out and put it straight once and for all."
went downstairs a bit later to meet up with kor... the moment i told him it was about him, and how my parents were unhappy, he said, "well, he's a great pal and all, but he lacks something for to be a person's boyfriend." he apparently felt the same way about kel le, just that he kept quiet coz "even his girlfriend is not saying anything". but of course, he has his pride and ego, and his opinions, and others'. chatted a bit about kor's own problems... feels good to be able to do that... somehow, i was prolly scared i'd be chided by kor or smth. i could just so imagine him saying, "you're not him, there is more to that that you just haven't experienced." but he agreed with me. even though we both felt that it was also probably the case that he was hiding from something, or had some kind of problems which he himself might not know.
i mean, i feel bad talking about him without his knowledge, with kor. i didn't let him know i spoke or even met kor this afternoon. very bad right? i didn't even let him know the full content of what mummy said to me, just that i got Pbanned from his place.
But the talk with kor stirred up many thots i haven't been able to voice or write or even think about, sometimes. i told kor, recently, i'm getting better at throwing my temper, or showing my unhappiness, when i feel like i'm misjudged. and kor said, "if it goes on this way you won't last another half a year." i shushed him up immediately. it's not something i want to think about, anytime, at all. even though sometimes i wonder if he goes on like this, is he wasting his time or mine? but there are so so many concerns... so so many complications, so so... haiz.
i feel so tired suddenly. am i too easily tangled or lost in my feelings?
both daddy and mummy think i'm too emotional a person to be able to handle any relationships at this age and maturity and stage... *sigh*
who knows.
but i do have some petty little comlaints to make about him. he's a wonderful person and all, but i guess these are just some small things that every girl would love.
i wish he would plan a date, instead of leaving things up to the last moment to decide.
i wish he would make the effort to come to me, instead of me to him. in the sense not just physically, but to suggest meeting up, going out. instead of just, why don't you come over? he thinks i keep bugging him to meet up, go out. i'm making the effort, why don't you show me some?
i wish his idea of a day weren't tv, game, tv, game, game, sleep.
i miss you so much. why don't you just come back? where have you gone? still unable to get over it? or is there something bugging you? i want you back, you who will fight for what you want, who are cheery, who are able to provide me lots of interesting bits of everything. who doesn't share me with one single thing.
it's really weird. if he were to watch tv and talk to me one day, then play game and talk to me another, then read and talk to me another, then do something and talk to me another, i wouldn't feel so bad...
but now, it seems it's just game and darling. and the fact that all time spent with darling is simultaneously spent with game, and all time not spent with darling is also spent with game. it's like he's having a mistress. no. it's like I'M the mistress. so now, he spends time gith game also with TV. and time with darling is also with BOTH TV and game. sounds like a happy family, doesn't it?
i wish i would snap out of this soon. to stop seeing the bad, and see the good...
i wish you would do something to snap me out of this.
i love you.
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