Sunday, November 06, 2005

Posted by maei at 10:32 PM

guilt?

crap. i've been reading manga scans these few dyas. and playing my piano. and listening to jay chou. i haven't been as focussed, in other words. i'm feeling a kind of confidence in myself i never felt before, yet, i feel that this confidence is a false sense of security.

f*ck.

it's either i'm sub-consciously trying to stop myself from doing work, or i'm really dry of work to do. of which the latter is not really possible. maybe it's sub-conscious -- i don't do more questions because i fear i might come across more questionsi can't do, and destroy whatever little confidence i have. maybe it's coz i'm getting lazy. what if it's the latter?

i'm pretty scared now, and i just had a really really short chat with darryl that didn't help at all. thanks man, you were great. i'll reccommend all the straight a students to have a talk with you before their a's. then maybe i'll come out tops. i don't even know why i'm so pissed. maybe it's coz you hit a tender spot, by stating what i feared the most (?). but i guess i just didn't need that. i'm sorry i'm taking this out on you in my blog, but it's the most immediate tool i have.

perhaps i don't have the right to feel angry. it's likely, after all, that what i've done is not enough, in absolute terms. it might seem enough to me, because i haven't done half as much work in my life for any exams. so you might say, "no wonder you don't score."

maybe i'm just a typical leo. "a leo does not like his/her efforts go unnoticed." or maybe these are all just excuses, becaue what's an effort to me is not an effort to anyone at all.

maybe i'm just a lousy person.

blah.

my exams are coming up in 2 days, and here i am, blogging away. guess that says only so much about me, right? *dejected* i don't know what i'm going to do if i don't do well for my a's.

had intended to go read some manga scans to loosen up. but i'm all out of the mood now. going back to mug.

zZz.

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