Thursday, October 20, 2005
Posted by maei at 11:03 PM
yes! it does! hahaa.
finally, reality hits.and ouch, does it hurt.
so i was up this morning, with cramps and i was like, okay, so let's not go to school today. so i pushed remedial off today again, and i told mr lee i would go for a makeup lesson tomorrow together with the lesson i missed yesterday morning.
and i went back to sleep.
and sleep was uneventful. but my day wasn't, so here goes.
i woke up at 1 pm, curious that no one had woken me up sooner, and i found that mummy was already on her way out to the market to buy groceries. weiwei was online, as per normal, and mapling away. i was a little bored, and since i had decided to forfeit breakfast for lunch, i went to the comp, turned it on, and decided that a short game of spades would do no harm. i had intended to blog, but well... my attention went to spades. so it went that i played spades with my brother and some idiots for a while, and mummy came home.
naturally, she got mad, but i wasn't aware of the extent to which she was angry until she stormed out of the apartment even before my grandma was ready to pick her up. i think she just wanted us to get out of her face.
the crime i commited was to start a game early in the morning. and to not end it because i wanted that victory it would add to my streak, and in fact, maybe subconsioucly, coz it was a pretty good game to our favour. but it all meant nothing in the end, coz after she stormed off, i turned off the comp.
which led to a lose-lose situation, coz i was unhappy, so i ended the game, which proved nothing to my mum, coz she had left, which left her mad, coz i didn't have the initiative to turn it off in the first place.
then i called to apologize, but she didn't pick up any of my calls, nor reply any of my sms'es. so that was pretty scary, of course, being the kind of person i am. maybe it's just me, or maybe it applies across the board -- isn't always scarier to be ignored than to be scolded? i believe i would have felt loads better if she had picked up the phone and yelled at me, then slammed the phone down, than if she did what she did -- to just not do anything.
so i panicked, and i think i cried horribly for a full 45 mins. i was so debilitated... is that how you use that word? i was saying... i was so debilitated that i couldn't even eat lunch properly. haha. i don't think i've ever been so scared for a long long time.
anyway, it turned out that my mum had left her hp at the stall last night, so she didn't have it with her at all. i managed to get her in the end when i called my grandma and managed to choke out "get my mum to the phone" before i poured my tears onto the phone to my mum.
if you're wondering why i'm still on the com now if that happened to me this afternoon, it's coz i figured (with loads of help from kel) that it only works out to be okay that i do stuff other than study WHEN i've already studied. not BEFORE, like right after i wake up, when i haven't done anything credible. yeah.
so now i'm sitting here with a clear conscience and my inorganic revision done, prepared and ready for question-firing tomorrow.
above that, i drew up a revision schedule.
i decided (again with immense help from kel) that i should probably bring my words "if i have to mug, it's only going to be a month more" to greater heights. i drew up a schedule that i intend to follow. yes, you read that right. i mean, if i have to force myself to follow it, it's only going to be a month more, right?
in that schedule, i didn't plan for days i'll be going out, so that would mean, i'm not going out anymore. i didn't even mark out the days when kel would be off, so that i could go over to his house to study. if his schedule fits mine, that'll be fine. if it doesn't, then too bad. i'm sorry, baby, but you're right, i gotta prioritize better. so i'm telling you you might play second or even third fiddle to my studies now *bows* sorry.
i'm seriously quite amazed at the schedule i've drawn myself. it has... work planned from morning til night. with two 2-hour breaks which would encompass dinner and all the free time i have.
other than that, i'll have to squeeze time out by working faster, better.
yupz. one more month. just one more month. seriously, it's in fact only 18 days til my a's start.
don't know. have so much to think of. and so much to reflect on. but before all, let me go back to my chem before i turn in tonight. i have a feeling i won't be turning in too early tonight, from all the thoughts flying around in my head.
it's really surprising how an unfinished game of spades can wake a person up so much. maybe i've finally found my motivation. maybe it's just plain fear. whatever it is, i know it's something i've to grab hold of. if i have to collapse from stress, let it be after the a's. i won't have a chance to stress myself so much in the near future. so if i have to place stress on myself to go by the schedule, i will. and i will come out of it fine.
thank you, jonathan, for being worried that i might collapse from the stress. but no thank you, i won't, and i will get out of this better.
i can if i want to.
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