The Garden Swing

moved

2007-10-12T16:15:00.001+08:00

have moved my blog... for those who want the new address, please just drop me a msg on msn ba ^^

2007-10-07T15:10:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry my post was so irate, and chock full of frustration. it probably never even addressed your questions.

but all i can say is, i don't know how you really want me to react.

sorry about the outburst. it makes no sense to me after reading it again anyway.

2007-10-07T14:36:00.000+08:00

i know i said i won't blog for these couple of days, and i have been abusing this blog.

this used to be a space where i jotted my thoughts, feelings and all. now it's like a messageboard. it feels wrong. there is so much i want to shield away from the world.

i never ever use my contacts to call anyone i ever called a good friend or close friend. all the time. i call you, him, shieh yuan, my parents, brother, kor, kenny when we were closer, jS when we were closer, all by keying in all 8 numbers one by one.

i'll admit, sometimes, when i'm alone with naught to do, i'll pick up the phone, and habitually, the first number under my thumb would be 8. it's just like sometimes, when i want to call my mum, i pick up the phone, and my fingers hit his number instead of hers.

you ask who i would call, but that depends on what the situation is, doesn't it? what now can really bother me that i would want to seek comfort that i cannot give myself?

and i don't know what you're thinking of, but there has never been sweet nothings exchanged. friendly encouragements, stupid messages to cheer a down friend up, nonsense, yes. what do you think? that he has been showering me with "i love you"s, "i don't want to see you hurt"s, "i miss you"s and "be my girlfriend"s? how do you think i will react if he has been? you know and i know that this is not the kind of support i look for, or want. not at this kind of time.

yes, i may not be as upset if he were to disappear from my life, nor may i be as sad if i were forcefully taken from hall. but i would rather think that being upset now is a good thing. i would hate the day when if you were to call, i would take it with frustration rather than upset.

this upset or not thing, i can say i'm pretty disappointed that you can even make comparisons this way. i thought you should know better than that. is that how you think of me after knowing me for so long? i don't think so, but don't make me think you think so.

i just hope that you can think better of me than someone who will call another when she misses someone, or cry on a shoulder imagining it was someone else's. speak to someone wishing to hear another person's voice.

i am better than that. you know it.

i don't know how you expect me to react to your post, or anything anymore. and i don't think i owe you any answers. this is all i can say.

i'm sorry. i think this response prolly feels like i'm slamming you. maybe i'm just being a kid.

apologies

2007-10-07T02:44:00.000+08:00

am terribly sorry about the closure. i didn't mean a closure to the past, if that's what you took it to mean, but rather, as seeking a way to move on in life. am really really sorry. but then again, i guess, maybe i'm really just imposing a mistaken thought upon you.

sorry.

for him

2007-10-07T01:46:00.000+08:00

i guess this is the time where i learn to move on.

i guess i was really being really really childish, not able to ask you to let go, and being upset when you tried to. this time, i'll try my hardest not to look back.

i promised you to not cry anymore. i really really tried. and now i know how salty tears can taste when they roll in instead of down and out.

i didn't succeed, but don't worry too much for me.

and don't apologise, i never did blame you, nor thought you to be selfish. thank you for all the times we shared, happy or not.

guess i'll be leaving this blog alone for a couple of days, so i guess i better let my ardent fan(s) know in advance. i will be back, hopefully sooner than later.

tangled thoughts and confused heart

2007-10-05T02:09:00.000+08:00

heh ^__^ finally getting down to blogging after a couple days ^^"

today's paper was as shitty as shit really is shit. i'd be glad if ic an get even 10 out of 40 T__T but i guess that's behind and i don't really want to talk about it anymore. so much for studying >__<

other school matters... i still have a formal report to submit tomorrow, but the way things are going now,. i might ahve to submit it on monday instead. on the brighter side, i have a sample report to work with... so... haha, we'll see how things go.

other matters. mike's mum invited me to her birthday lunch on saturday >__< she literally went and asked him, "bring your girlfriend along." and then he was like (>--<) "i'll check with her." >__< huh... a bit de giving his mum the wrong impression right.

best of all, when i told mummy about it, all mummy said was, "you better be more courteous, k? and must behave yourself properly" lol.

sigh.

but it's all weirded up.

the only way i can possibly describe my own situation now is that there is FEEL, but the FEELING is not really there (and not really not there)(you gan jue, dan gan qing bing bu ming que). not there yet, as so many people have corrected me.

when i look back, i think it's a very natural thing. after all, it's a long descent from what i have shared with him...

shijie said, jerome said, others said, do i let this stop me from moving on? if everything has to start from where i left off, i guess it would be nearly impossible to move on with life, wouldn't it? after all, even when i started doubting myself, we were still such a loving couple.

the whole world is asking me, "why are you not giving him, giving the two of you, a shot?" "you guys are such a match, go anywhere, do anything, also can play play, have fun." "are you two a couple?"

but they don't see it from my point of view. is it fair for me to enter any form of relationship? now, when i still have his blog on my homepage, and his gifts on my bed?

all i can say is, i'm terribly glad he's not giving me any pressure about any of this matters. although i don't see why i should be particularly glad about it, coz it's only the right thing to do, isn't it?

if i do give the both of us a shot, is it coz i'm just looking for someone, anyone to replace him? or is it coz i'm really ready to take on another relationship?

i do feel this strange chemistry, it feels kind of sweet the way we can just tease, play, fool around and just basically do everything just like that. to be working in a partnership, serious or not, in most situations. it's a different kind of chemistry from what i shared with him, and from what i shared with himself previously.

but as always, my thoughts tend to drift back at times...

it's all rather confusing and i don't think "just follow your heart" can clear any of this up.

i still think of him. and i still want to keep up with his blog. and i still want to know how he's doing at times.

isn't it awfully weird to say "i will let go" and be keeping tabs on his blog every day? and pretend that i'm blogging for myself, for just recording my thoughts and feelings, when i know so well, that he is using this as a form of (in)direct contact?

and what do i do? i don't wish to self-censor, for that defeats the purpose of blogging. nor do i want to keep anything from him, lest he lets his head run wild.

i'm in such a weird position. it's like everything is moving forward, wants to move forward, and everything is leaving the past behind. everything, but my tangled thoughts and confused heart.

an extremely long day

2007-10-03T06:36:00.000+08:00

these few days feel like they are just one extremely long day...

wake up, eat, study, sleep for a couple of hours, eat, study... and do some other stuff in between.

feeling extremely crappy now.

lol, just studied the whole night away, mugging for 2 consecutive tests which i was supposed to have enough time for.

i guess one can never be relaxed and think and plan out her mugging schedule... should just chiongchiongchiong ar!!!

not that i'm really blaming anyone lar, i understand that they didn't want to choose this time to have an extremely huge tiff, or blakforest jams on tuesdays and all. but sigh, i just feel so squeezed. like a deflated piece of lemon.

ah well, better get some sleep. even an hour would be good to recharge before i head for the exams braindead.

i want to break free of the tests!!! i want my days to feel like individual, discrete days again!!! i want a regular regime!!! a normal life!!! sigh, i'm starting to feel like my day just consisted of 80++ hours and there's 24 more to go.

jiayous jiayous jiayous!!!

children day musings

2007-10-01T22:28:00.000+08:00

an article for childhood.

so many times in life, i guess we do wish time would just stop ticking, and you can forever remain in a single frame of time. one where you don't have to think about the future, or the past, where pet peeves and tempers and bad habits and background don't play a part in life.

when you can just pass time doing things of absolutely no consequence to your life, and each day is just as separate from yesterday as it is tomorrow.

that is what childhood is like.

when you don't have to worry about how your studying today might affect your sleep and exams the day after tomorrow.

hm.. actually i think all of what i may say is useless.

because the main point is that, childhood is when you can live today like there is no tomorrow.

not in the sense that today will be the last day, and you have to live it to the max, but in that there is no future to think of, and it will forever be just today, even after you wake up after a great night's rest.

that is what childhood is like.

there is a childhood in everything. not just in life. there is a childhood in every relationship you build. or every different relationship even with the same person. the childhood of a loving relationship, when all is like a honeymoon. the childhood of marriage, when children and retirement and who does what chores don't interrupt your lives.

childhood is something we should all celebrate. because it can only come once, and after that, no matter how you may wish to re-create the magic, it is always foreshadowed by the fact that tomorrow will always come with an extra day's worth of unresolved problems.

however, with each day that childhood is zealously held on to, it builds a dam higher and higher, behind which is yesterday's problems, and the yesterday before's, and the yesterdays before. this is a scenario when we say "please face the reality".

i wish my childhood were back here.

my childhoods. all of them.

but i guess it's just me being silly. because, eventually, i will have to face the problems and grow up, and step into the real world. the real world where all is not idealized, and your ealise that what you do today does in fact affect what happens tomorrow and while you were immersed in an endless loop of todays, the time continues to pass.

sigh.

wish i was a kid again. then i wouldn't be so terribly bothered by life, school and everything uncool.

happy children's day.

happy children's day

2007-10-01T22:12:00.000+08:00

it's like saying happy birthday to yourself. no one around me even remembered it's children's day. even myself, tho it was prolly just a slip of my mind.

had a damn long and busy day today. sat for the first test of the week, and i think i totally blew it. sigh. and i have been up late studying for a couple of nights running. damn tired at times, but i guess i'll just have to push on.

do or die.

well, who can i blame. myself wor >__< for neglecting my studies. haiz.

spent over 20 bucks today and 2+ hours in the library printing and binding new notes, tutorial solutions, and stuff. and i printed out a copy of the piano scores for secret too!

all thanks to diana ^__^ she intro'ed a super great site to me. haha, funny thing, coz i knew it's sister site, jitapu.com (guitar scores) but i didn't ever think that there was a gangqinpu.com. haha.

and thank god it was a busy day too.

it's been a month. what should i say?

happy stuff, think happy stuff, angela... sigh. more like, think about school work. definitely will keep you upset enough, angie.

i guess it's terribly unfair that i whined about him taking off his blog. it's like i'm trying so hard to keep a distance, yet i'm not letting him keep his. maybe i'm really just still a little kid. haha.

well i guess it's apt. happy children's day.

week of hell, part 2

2007-10-01T05:39:00.000+08:00

jiayous angela!!!!

week of hell is just about to start... sigh. tests tests and more tests. i can't wait for this week to be over...

ah well, get it all out of the way ba ^__^ hope i can keep up with this hellish study regime that has taken place over the past 2 nights. what pple do in half i sem, i will accomplish is half a week!!! roar!!!

but it's really rather tiring, and like now, i'll prolly be turning in late every night. pray i get enough time in between to rest up a little. kk, time to go to bed le!!!

and yes, doing up blogs get addictive. sigh, wish my account is new, or should i say, my blog is new, so i can customise it just as easily... apparently, this blog is old, so i cna't just add elements as and how i wish... BUT! i can still use the old skins from good ol' blogskins.com ^__^

kk le, really gotta go die on my bed le. waking up at 8... ahhh!!!!

where

2007-09-29T16:23:00.000+08:00

i've just lost a link to him.

i think he's taken his blog down. i wonder if mine's still his homepage,

all i can say is... actually i don't know what to say. prolly it's all for the better. if that's the case, then all i can say is thanks. for thinking in my place when i'm terribly overrun.

bee-sy like a bee.

2007-09-17T02:20:00.000+08:00

blogging in my room now. mike is camping over to mug for til i sleep, coz bingbing is still sick >__< and mark refuses to turn the fan any higher than 2. or 1. sigh. poor thing >__<

apparently, mark will be moving out this couple of weeks. bingbing too.

mugmugmug!!! yay, i just finished studying for the into to manuf. processes test. it's actually a very interesting subject. i promise to diligently attend the lectures from now on.

the worst of all subjects to catch up to will prolly be maths and the electrical and magnetic properties of materials subjects ba >__< coz maths and physics haven't been my forte for about over a year le. sigh. take this mid terms as a chance to catch up on everything ba.

really going to be a damn busy week. no thanks to my procrastinating nature. let's see what i have to do.

1.) sew the sashes

this one mummy offered to help me along ^__^ materials bought today le ^__^ need to get reimbursement!!! coz i bought an external hard drive today, then daddy pon-chon me 50 bucks, means i still ahvet o pay 70 bucks. its a 250GB drive! not bad eh?

2.) figure out the chords for... tian mi mi.

shouldn't be too tough, this one, coz i played before in CO le. and should be quite easy to find from online resources.

3.) do report and expt for E8

wah... this one. still headache man. they tell me it's quite an easy report to do. actually quite unexpected. the teacher's requirements for a formal report is actually only 10 pages. which is like... where am i going to put all that theory?! where am i going to put all the calcultations?! omit omit omit! yay! easy job. hopefully so la. coz it's clearly specified, not more than 10 pages, of which, the objectives, contents, introduction, procedures, equipment, results, log sheet, graph all take up around 7+ pages le...

the headache part is... i haven't gotten a chance to do the quiz yet. i missed my original slot, missed the second opening they did for me, and am now requesting for another slot on monday... hopefully, it comes through.

4.) do report for E7

E7 is not too tough either. plotting graphs with results that are pretty good, plus log sheet the answers are given, just need to elaborate. so it prolly won't take me too much time.

but it's all a lot of work to do. and maybe he was right... i'm relaly overloading myself a bit. or maybe, making myself too easily arrow-able.

in fact, i was arrowed for the sashes too... when the heads were discussing about the sash, someone mentioned my name le lor, said that i participated in cosplay, so prolly know how to sew quite well... thanks lor.

and the chords too, coz i was one of the 2 keyboardists... the other one happily MIA'ed. i don't like to work with him either... so. ah well.

but a bit sadded.

coz this time the YAC perf, i won't really get to sing. i'm just like, playing the keyboard the whole way lor. quite sad ar. was really hoping to get to sing smth.

oh yeah, there's one song i'm singing. hua hi diu ho. the hokkien song. sigh...

wish i was singing something else, but ah well... what can i say? jalyn jie also say that live accompaniment produces better sound than minus 1 track. and is not they arrow me de, is jalyn jie want me to play de, what can i say?

sigh. all in all, it's going to be a terribly busy week.

well, at least one thing to look forward to is that DND is on next sunday, so after the mad rush this week., things should settle down a bit more... hopefully.

had a tiff with him over me busying myself too much this evening. i didn't call back later at night, and neither did i receive any word from him after very abrupt apologies were exchanged.

sigh.

these arguments are so familiar. i sorta wish it didn't happen earlier this evening. just sorts of brings back all kinds of unhappy stuff.

ah well. let's not think so much. i'm getting sleepy. maybe do a bit more work before i turn in ba.

crappy cramps.

2007-09-15T20:13:00.000+08:00

said i wanted to post... but don't really feel like it now i sit myself down to the task....

super sian. haven't had cramps this bad for a while... sigh.

it's a touch choice. goosebumps? or oven stove. lol

anyway, no use moping around now. need to work... next tues is my manuf test... and i've only done about a third of the revision. have 2/3 more to go. gambatte ne!

haha. said i'll get back to school next week, and i MUST. OOSH!

cramps go away please...

sorray >__< haha, such a pathetic attempt at posting... lol. promise a better one!!!!

2007-09-12T05:24:00.000+08:00

before he told me that he placed my blog as his homepage, it was already mine. his blog, that is.

i asked myself if i could find myself back beside him, and i couldn't. not in the near future. he said that i should push on, persevere and not run to him at every emotional breakdown.

i guess i was being a child.

now all i have that's material is his blog.

just watched "Silent Hill" with the juniors coz i didn't want to sleep. and now that i feel the fatigue, i wish i had someone to cuddle the freakiness away.

stoning at the keyboard now. haven't blogged for so long, i've forgotten how it's like to express myself anymore.

it's all so ironic. when i wished he would keep tab on my blog, notice when i post emotions hard to express, he never seemed to remember even the address. now.

haha.

buses, walkways and sleep.

2007-09-11T13:54:00.000+08:00

maybe it wasn't a good thing to sleep when i got back. so many thoughts, all jumbled up again.

i was feeling positively miserable this morning, but i guess it's what happens when you put a relationship under euthanasia. only that there is no quick, easy way to do it.

i feel like such a kid.

maybe i hadn't WALKED away from us. i sort of just teleported away. because while it is obvious i am not beside you anymore, it seems the environment has never changed. like i'm sort of standing still, although i know i should be walking forward.

this morning, after mike and mark went off to class at N3 and branched off from me, i walked through the rooftop walkway alone. i just sorta thought about him. and the same thing happened, as everytime i thought so.

the wind was chilly and i walked on, slowly slowing, until there came a point when i simply just stood still in the middle of the road. and stared blankly ahead, immersed in a cold feel, and goosebumps.

this is what always happens when i think about us. at hall 2 slope, at school, at orchard road. on the way in to his flat.

i don't know what it is, fatigue? because i feel just so tired. like i couldn't take another step without effort. heavy hearted, heavy footed. it just made me wish i could just stand there forever, without taking another step.

don't know why i'm suddenly making such a statement about walking. all i know is, it's about time i pick my life back up, and stop standing still.

today, i had to wait for a long long long time for the shuttle to come. was so tired i nodded off at the bus stop a few times. i remembered in the past, i would send out a complain sms to him, and the next moment, the bus would arrive, like he sent it down for me.

and a dozen other little things that, oddly, i can't conjure up.

ah well. i guess i AM tired after all. going back to sleep for real le. oyasumi.

revenge's sweet tooth.

2007-09-11T09:07:00.000+08:00

maybe it's my just desserts for not having posted for forever?

weird thoughts.

2007-09-11T08:58:00.001+08:00

have so many thoughts after watching the serial.

how can someone be as greedy and selfish as me? the once i really really want to be ren xing, am i going overboard? i think i am.

so childish.

but well, i guess it'll really take some time before someone can understand what i need so well, before whoever it is can offer it before i ask, anymore.

in fact, i would guess it's been some time already.

i think i'm going mad at times. hitting the refresh button 5 times in a row, hoping that something was just on its way out is just not sane.

and i guess you'll be reading this too. hope it doesn't pressure you to post. coz it's just pointless. haha.

it's like putting a favourite soft-toy away into a closet for good. on certain nights, i guess you've just gotta take it out to hug.

on drugs.

2007-09-11T08:49:00.001+08:00

am i thinking too much?

it's like i'm on drugs. whenever a space appears in whatever i'm doing, i hit the refresh button. and the same words jump out at me.

i've finished watching the whole series of "One Litre of Tears" and at no time throughout have i felt as near to tears as i am now.

i keep telling myself it's pointless to think so much. and i keep looking to the future like how it always used to help.

kor told me, that on his next birthday, he would love to have both of us celebrating it for him. i keep picturing the scene when we were at the pub and i was yet to be 18. us on high stools, chatting away.

i wonder if that day will come.

usually, when i'm down, i try to see a year or 2 ahead, and i think that a single event in one's life is all it is, a few days in tens of years to come. i'll get over it.

wish it helped.

ah well. no point thinking so much. i've been up the whole night and thank goodness today is a short day, one tutorial and one lecture. prolly gonna give the lecture a miss.

can't help but wish i had more. but i guess that right is not mine, though he keeps telling me it is.

i like my eggs runny. not my nose.

2007-08-22T09:47:00.001+08:00

runnin' runnin' and runnin' runnin' and runnin' runnin' and runnin'

like "let's get retarded".

only thing i know is, i'll get retarded if my nose keeps on running like this.

caught a cold yesterday morning and i haven't really gotten better... the weather's not helping much. the skies are having trouble with their noses too.

it's pretty much just plain cold.

i'm sitting in the library blogging now.

it only goes to show how reliant i've gotten to be on my hard copy of timetable. i attended the wrong class again today. heng it was just a normal tutorial. in fact, the class i'm supposed to be in just commenced 15 minutes ago. the class i attended was the class right before it. and due to that, i missed a lecture. sian diaos. totally.

i already missed one lecture of the same module on monday... sigh.

going for some proper breakfast now. considering to see a doctor after school today...

shagged

2007-08-20T21:30:00.000+08:00

feeling totally tired out, after a whole night of not sleeping and fretting over... stuff. haha.

only attended tech comm today and spanish. basically, i skipped all the lectures. gotta chiong tutorials for tomorrow now. sigh.

guess what. i dio sabo'ed to be the group leader for my tech comm group. and we're doing a research paper on new and improved materials for solar cells *major sweatdrop* we don't even know what material the solar cells are made of NOW. speak of improvement... sigh. i foresee a lot of sai gang for me...

and best thing is, i walked into the wrong classroom today. there were 2 ongoing classes of tech comm, opposite to each other. and i well, sorta just entered the sala one.

and since discussion has already gone underway and stuff... *sigh* i guess i gotta get the teacher to swap me manually into her class... headache ar... how come i'm so blurr...

my facial features are going to start melting into each other if i get any blurrer.

...
*shiver* *cold wind blows* *shudder*

okay, not funny.

anyway, i managed to stay up all the way until kel was on his way to work, then i called for a short chat. it made me feel better, if only a little. it was good to just talk to him.

and guess what, mike was actually up all the way til around 5 plus am... which meant, while i was feeling down and wishing i could have had someone to just sit beside and stone with, he was playing on his psp the whole way. lol.

but it's not like i'd know, right? who the hell calls up someone else in the middle of the night just to stone?

and kel said that next time i can't sleep coz i'm feeling bothered, i can just call him. you have zero idea how good it feels to get this kind of assurance ^__^

sigh. kk, i gotta get back to work... i've still got a project meeting online at MIDNIGHT.

oh horrors.

money.

2007-08-20T04:41:00.001+08:00

god i wish i had someone by me now. no need to talk. just to accompany me.

feeling damn down and vulnerable now. and fighting desperately not to cry. how is it possible for me to have spent so much without really noticing?

i'm about 50 bucks in debt, and have around 200 odd with other people. but my bank nalance is still super wudi low. and mummy has been depositing money in the account and i've spent my allowance, and the extra birthday money i got only boosts my bank account to around 230 bucks. how is that all possible?

kel has been under huge financial pressure too. and all this only started to snowball when i had to go for the preocedure.

how do we survive? am i going to have to ask for 'sponsorship' from mummy again? i think she'll die of fright when i let her know how much i have left in my account. but if i don't ask, i think she'll die of fright when she finds out by herself.

and i'm about 300+ bucks worth of driving classes behind. and i also have not dealt with my 100 bucks bill from singtel.

i need a job, but before that, i need cash.

and now i need someone by me, while i'm losing sleep over the matter. time seems to pass much faster. i don't think i can make it for school. i'm going to be damn shagged when the day hits. and then, i'm going to be behind in schoolwork too. great.

i have a proposal in mind for mummy.

do you think it'll work, if i tell her of my dire state, then ask for a 500 bucks loan, get a job and return her in instalments when i start receiving pay?

i think it's the best i can offer for now, because i'm really really really in dire straits.

but i'm really tired now, and i can't sleep. it's so much worse to try and get myself to sleep than to get myself to stay awake.

flowers!

2007-08-17T16:47:00.000+08:00

whee!!!

so happy today ^__^ woke up to a huge surprise ^__^

there was this call in the morning, and the caller said he was from "Flowers Express" delivering a bouquet of flowers to Angela (that's me ^__^). and he just said somebody wanted him to deliver it, and there was no card or anything ^__^ obviously it had to be hubby, but it's still got a nice air of anonymity around it ^__^ so happy. haven't received flowers in a million years. and he took so much effor to surprise me, to find out about my timetable, and saying it's gotta do with his new book. LOL.

thank you so much hubby!!! i love the flowers and i love you too ^__^ waaaah. it was super sweet la ^__^

but i'm so worried. tonight i'll hvae practice and that means i'll have to bring it along. so scared the flowers will like die in the cold or smth... T__T

and i've got to thank mike too! mike and jerome got me a prezzie too ^__^ it's a round jigsaw puzzle. and a very pretty one too. with 4 pretty ladies in the front. haha. and a red octopus handphone accessory. apparantly, there's a story behind it, that within every pretty girl, there's a sotong in her. wahaha.

coz i'm really really very sotong. it's like, last night, when we were eating bei bei mian in jerome's room, mike was looking at jerome's laptop and he asked, "eh, how come here got sotong?" so when i leant over to see, and asked, "where?" he pointed at me and said, "here lor" and i was totally oblivious to it, and i asked 3 times "where" before i finally realised that there was no sotong on the laptop, and he was teasing me.

wth. hahahahahahahahahh.

anyway, mike took lots of effort to make it a surprise, too. wahaha. he pretended to leave his bag upstairs so that i'd have to pei him up and then he can give me my gift. wahaha, so cute, and i actually thot my blurrness was rubbing off on him, such that he forgot his bag.

apparently, he did the jigsaw immediately after we finished watching jackass2 yesterday. and bought that right before lunch. wahaha. and i never even noticed. haha.

thank you ^__^

i'm feeling so lucky to have people around me who dote on me ^__^ especially hubby ^__^ thank you for making this day so happy ^__^

of jam bands and runny noses

2007-08-15T23:08:00.000+08:00

Typing this on a cab ride down to his place now. Emotions are like a terribly warped salt shaker of jumbled up thoughts and feelings.

I feel like he's right, you can't commit yourself well to any more than 1 thing at a time. Because to commit means to keep yourself available for any spontaneous activity. For example, the jam band expose that just suddenly popped up versus him being terribly sick and me having to rush back.

It's like I keep trying to keep myself free for hall and things just keep working against me. And no one has any idea how tired it’s all making me. It's like I've never had a holiday; all the fatigue of the previous semester just rushed back.

And it's making paranoid me feel like nothing I do, short of losing my boyfriend, will ever be enough to bridge the gap between myself and hall.

It's not anyone's fault. Maybe I'm really just taking on an impossible task. Because to commit myself to my boyfriend means to keep myself available for him, and to commit myself to hall means to keep myself available to hall. And while I'm available, all's fine, but then again, the challenge has always been weighing one against the other, and feeling guilty one way or the other.

And it doesn't help that hall is blind to other commitments. You are there, or you are not. Everyone is witness. I am thankful he is being understanding. And I know he is really really trying. It's just that his sickness pops up every so often it's defeating all my efforts.

I'm sounding really really biased too. In fact it’s the first time he's fallen sick after orientation. But it just reminds me so strongly of everything that's happened last semester, I can't help feeling like it's happened a million times to me – that something occurs suddenly in hall that I really should have been a part of, that I was needed at, and I'm not there, because he's ill.

I felt like this during orientation too, when he asked me to go back. You know I can never say no when you ask. Or when you make it a point to let me know you're super sick. You can't help it when you fall sick, I understand.

I'm sorry this is being so unfair to you, but I can't help feeling super paranoid that you're going to keep asking me to go over at every given opportunity. Can't help feeling that when you know I've got nothing preplanned for hall, you'll want me over. Can't help feeling that you're not really understanding at all.

I know you are trying. And I know it's an effort for you. But.

I hope it's really all just in my mind, and all that happened last year will not happen this year. Because of my hall commitments, and pragmatically, I stay in hall, precisely because I have no desire to have to squeeze with the crowd on the bus after a long stand on the train every morning. And having to wake two and half hours before a class, when I can wake merely 15 mins prior to lesson.

I do love you, you know.

I just wish luck was easier on me.

[in bed and turning in waaay before my normal bedtime]

i guess it will all work out ba. and i pray so too, for whatever i may feel or think, when i'm just here, beside him, it all seems fine, all in those few shared moments.

spendthrift

2007-08-15T17:07:00.000+08:00

today was *supposedly* an early day ^__^ but i was a nice person.

in case you're wondering what being nice has to do with my early day, let me fill you in. generally, my wednesdays end at 1230. today, my wednesday ended at 1030. buahaha, coz MS2002 hasn't started tutorial sessions. anyway.

came back for a quick change after class, and woke mike up for lunch together with jerome. THEN i bought a new pair of denim shorts for 15 buck *squee* and it's very not bad de lor! haha, initially thot it might be too big, but fact proves that i've got enough of a butt to fill it up. the uncle who's selling it doesn't say, "still got pi gu." he says, "hou mian hai you rou." wahaha.

then i went and bought myself a new laptop skin. made in china de, so the quality is so-so nia. having second thoughts about it, but heck, the design's nice and the guy offered to cut for me for about 5 bucks. hope he does it nicely. but it sure is nice to have saved the effort of having to cut it yourself.

this is how it looks.

so the laptop skin costed 25 bucks, pre sticking costs. and the shorts costed 15. and in total, i've emptied my wallet of 40 bucks. just around school. some sort of smart saving. plus the little miss scatterbrain shirt. total of 58 bucks.

haiz. feel like tearing my hair. i keep telling myself, it's money i've intended to spend since... blahblahblah. ah well, money spent's money spent.

oh yeah, that doesn't explain why i was a nice person. basically it's coz i spent 3 hours in lecture with mike. for HIS lecture ^__^ nice right?

waiting for 10 more minutes to pass, now. going for max's movement class later, right before dinner. think i'll have a lot of psycho-motor problems. i can't even do the swivel thing!!! argh.

haha.

hope i have fun.

kel's nose was dripping terribly last night. i wonder if he's stopped sneezing yet. i sure hope so *scrunches up face* haiz...

psh psh A*BISH phwap piak

2007-08-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

went to watch flash point with kel earlier. WAH. the action is damn damn damn qiang la. donny yen is super cool.

like fridge. super cool.

i really mean it. but he like abit dai dai like that, but his sighting scenes all super power. his fists are like fshpshbsh damn fast damn fast. and the other guy who acted as the antagonist is also very good at fighting de, so the fight scenes are all very all-out. like it's a real life-or-death battle.

haha, the show is about some smugglers, and a pair of cops who are out to nab them. gu tian le, who is undercover and donny yen who is a super good fighter. donny yen's character is supposed to have rather violent tendencies, or rather, gets carried away easily when he's pummelling baddies. out of the 3 smugglers, 2 ended up dead, anyway.

haha. nothing much to blog about, except that it's been a slow day. maybe when i have some inspirational revelation or something interesting pops up, i'll blog again.

it's time to curb the "if i don't have a 2 page long entry, i shouldn't post" tendency ^__^

all mixed up[this post just gets lighter]

2007-08-14T00:23:00.000+08:00

in a nice place, everything can't be too perfect. there's got to be one or two of those really damn fucked up people who will mess with you from time to time.

kind of tired now. like all that anger's gone in a whoosh, leaving me tinier than ever, sitting in my own overstretched and sagging skin.

basically what happened, is that i put my sparkling new 'Little Miss Scatterbrain' shirt in the laundry to wash. and when i went down to collect it, i found it in a fresh pile of laundry, semi-soaked and with water filling up.

and i got really really pissed.

anyway, i stopped the process earlier to let it soak in the soap water some more. after a bit more of venting to kel, mike and whichever poor persons i was talking to on msn, i went back down, drained away the soap water and set fresh water for it to soak in for another 8 hours. let's see her need her clothes and want to take it back to realise it's all soaking wet. AND unwashed.

i had actually half a mind to just leave her clothes strewn all voer the machine and floor, and leave a note that says "sorry about the mess, i made it while trying to fish out my shirt". but that would be too much effort.

sigh.

and i was all excited about blogging about my new shirt when i bought it T__T basically it says 'Little Miss Scatterbrain' with her picture on it.

that didn't even feel remotely satisfactory.

it's weird how being angry leaves you all tired and spent at the end of it...

[back from supper and a super long talk with the janus people]
[time check: 0306hrs]

in good spirits now ^__^ the shirt i bought is a shirt that i've wanted to buy since i first saw it at a booth selling Little Miss t-shirts. it's so super cute la. and so apt, considering how i seem to be getting blurrer and blurrer everyday ^__^ scatterbrained ^__^

sigh. wanted to do an introspective post on anger and post-anger thoughts, but i can't muster up such heavy thoughts now. i guess i'll just leave this post short ba ^__^

nitez all ^__^ and kudos to a late late day tomorrow!

cow dung.

2007-08-13T23:29:00.000+08:00

damn bored... all alone in my room and bored out of my wits.

[goes to collect her newly washed laundry]

back and pissed...

i put my new shirt into a washing machine for a quick wash so i could wear it tomorrow and guess what i found when i went down to pick it up. it was soaking wet in a pile of freshly-loaded laundry in the machine. THE GUTS OF THE PERSON TO PERFORM THIS KIND OF BULLSHIT!!!

fucking people. i bet it's a PRC. no self-respecting human would do this kind of shit to another person. i mean. a shirt in a machine is a shirt in a machine, right? you've got to take it out and dump it on the ground or wherever, i don't care. you don't wash your own clothes while someone else's fucking clothes are STILL IN THERE. and it wasn't like my shirt wasn't done, coz i made sure i gave it time to be done before going down to collect it.

i really don't understand what the FUCK is going on in these people's dumb minds. don't they know how to THINK? have INDEPENDENT THOUGHT that does not rely on eating cow dung to operate? i SWEAR if i ever, EVER found out who did that shit to my shirt, i'll give her the shittiest corner of my head to listen to.

NOBODY... *exasperated* i mean, how stupid can people get? i can't figure out what wire was short-circuited off such that they could actually pull off such silly acts. did they think my shirt needed a second washing?

i mean, who the hell...

aw crap, i'm repeating myself. fucked up business. going to cool it off before posting again.

i'm here without you baby...

2007-08-13T02:24:00.000+08:00

i can't believe i came back to hall without my mouse of all things!!! ARGH!!! it's so... inconvenient. i can't even play minesweeper *grumbles*

and when i mentioned it to estelle. she told me she forgot too ^^"

blurr queens for the win ^__^

today was generally uneventful... went with kel to just shop around in causeway point. it felt so good, to just be out and walking, spending time out instead of in. i kinda missed that kind of feeling. it's kind of indescribable.

sometimes, i look at my friends and their respective partners, and i feel like what i spend my time doing with mine is so different. it's not like we go out that often, or even 'date'. we just stick around together.

not that it's a bad thing, mind you. it's got a kind of steady, regular, rhythmic, habitual feel. but it lacks the vibrance of young couples, somehow. it lacks a LIFE. yeah.

okay, so i'm being all superficial, but it's just me, i like going out together and spending time out together. so?

hm... then i came back to hall. basically just bummed around mike's room, watching hana kimi. the JAPANESE version ^___^

the girl is rather pretty, but she's so feminine! how could anyone possibly mistake her for a guy? even if she binds and all, her heart-shaped face is so... female. it's like, her features are so distinct. high and slightly wide cheekbones. pointed chin, and her face is roundish, as in not-long.

and the guys are simply eye candy. the person playing nakatsu (issit? that's what i heard) is so super cute la. he's got this mischievious look, and a totally makes-you-wanna-grin-and-swoon-at-the-same-time grin/smirk. and when he goes into one of his trance states. OMG!!!! so cute!!! especially when he's so convinced he's turning homosexual. wahaha. priceless ^__^

and the person playing sano... he's not exactly handsome, or bishie. BUT! he's got charisma. i think. it's kind of an acquired charisma at that. takes some time to set in. and OMG, he looks a bit like he ren dong. and fund resembles him in certain angles la.

haha.

nice nice. it's out til episode 6 now, and after watching 4 episodes straight at mike's, i koped the last 2 back. can't possibly stay up any later to watch le... i've got a 2-hour lecture on fourier series to kickstart a brand new week. brilliant.

but really gotta wake up early and stuff and OMG!!!! i FORGOT to get back my spanish text from mike's. damn. i've got spanish tomorrow EVENING. you heard me right. my spanish classes are at 1730. and they'll last til 1900. sigh... i wonder how much i can actually remember... thank goodness i at least have my handy notebook with me.

gotta chiong tutorials... really cannot procrastinate anymore... i've got a 3-hour break tomorrow between lectures that i resolve to spend in the library to do my tutorials, as well as print notes and stuff. and yes, before that, i've got to settle my HW210 and MS2072 vacancies.

workworkwork... jiayoujiayoujiayou!!!

then i guess i'm going to turn in le. damn shagged.

selfish

2007-08-12T12:53:00.000+08:00

listening to slow english songs of the 90's now, and feeling generally... not happy.

realised as i was sinking into slumber early this morning at 4, that i had thought very negatively about him in my previous post. that i had expected resistance and repulsion of the idea. went to sleep feeling rather lousy about the whole thing, at my own lack of faith in him.

stopped typing for a moment to let my thoughts wash over myself.

i talked to him this morning. i wasn't entirely right. he did not give any specific objections. he said, "i have no violent objections." but i could tell he wasn't remotely taken by the idea. i mentioned that i'd definitely be staying more than 2 nights a week in hall; and he went silent.

the worst that could happen is that you'll spend all your time with your friends and have none for me. then you can get yourself a new boyfriend from among your friends.

i don't know how to go on from here.

he sounded very contained throughout the conversation. he's been trying to accomodate more and more, and i suspect there's more than a hint of anxiety that i might be flying out of his reach. GIP, OC, then quitting wow, then upsized hall commitment. like a flower slowly breaking free of it's bud.

but i might be over-dramatising the whole thing.

eventually, he told me he was farming in-game. and then he told me off about how i never saw my commitments through. he... said stuff. but i guess i've gotten accustomed to his criticisms.

that's one other thing. with him, it's a lot of criticisms and less praise. not even praise. encouragement. his encouragements come in the form of constuctive criticism.

i don't know what i'm really thinking anymore. and i don't really know what i'm saying. i'm a very selfish person, i think. always placing myself at the foremost. whether it's about belonging, or needing understanding.

i guess it may be coming to the point in time that i have always expected to come along sometime. when one day i'll have to consciously make a decision to do be selfish, and do it, knowing that someone will be hurt in the process. i've seen most other girlfriends do it, and i try to avoid doing it consciously.

but i guess i've been failing.

and yet, maybe i won't have to make the decision. since i don't usually see my commitments through, and many times i do think too much before even taking the first step.

and even more times, i have qualms about this and that and everything before the whole... thing starts. and when it begins, i forget my qualms and end up hurting everyone, just like what i had worried about before.

i'm babbling, and the music isn't helping me shift my thoughts to more constructive and happy ones.

revelations

2007-08-12T02:44:00.001+08:00

had a celebration dinner of sorts at fish&co today with the OC people, after which we went around to opposite istana to sit around and drink beer, and talk.

not much to cover on the night's activities, nor any interest to do so in great detail at the moment.

was more thinking of how i'd like my hall life altered.

alvin suggested i take part in the hexis main com as financial controller, instead of as an actress. and maybe take on the position of yin-sync assistant manager too.

it doesn't really sound too bad to me, considering that i'm really thinking of breaking out of my bubble of a hall life and start getting to know people and stuff around. to blend and make contact with the rest of the world.

but i'm seriously worried about whether i am up to the job. like, will i have to draft budget plans and stuff? who can i turn to for help if i can't do it? do i need any of the laoya accounting knowledge i picked up in the last semester for this job?

more than that, what will he think of this change?

obviously, i'm not going to be as free on weeknights. apart from a heavy school schedule, now i'm inviting more extra-curricular activities onto my seemingly packed schedule. and the newly-formed resolution to be around in hall as much as possible means to go over to his place much less.

i think he'll be rather unhappy about it. i wonder if he will understand. i wonder if i can understand myself, even.

through this camp, i can really feel a very different mindset that's reverberating around the hall6 people, especially the block34 residents. they are just so... enthusiastic and focussed on their commitments to hall.

sometimes i honestly wish i can be more like them. it all seems so effortless to commit when it's them.

hexis financial controller.

it's all so sudden. i'm still rolling the words around my tongue. it sounds weird even to my own ears. skali wenlong doesn't even want me to be the fin con, coz i don't have a business background.

but if i do become the financial controller, i want myself to know that i'm not committing for the sake of committing, for the sake of doing something, anything. am i?

i can't seem to give myself a definite answer at this point too, maybe because i haven't really considered the option before, until alvin brought it up tonight. and i'm terribly afraid it's going to end up just like any other one-night-stands. full of passion and forgotten in the morning.

do you think i can handle this?

then apart from that, i've got tonnes of tutorials to handle every week. minus wow, of course, but how much time does that leave me?

it all boils down back to the same question of how he will react to this, and how firm i can stand to my own decision.

because, other than the fact that i spent a good half of my previous year in hall cooped up with my laptop/at ginza/at his place, it's also coz of hiss constant influence to go over to his place that i'm never in hall at night.

but i can see this changing a little, on the bright side. due to work commitments, i guess kel is more accepting of me going over less. one thing is that he has to turn in early anyhow, and i need the time to travel and do my tutorials. plus the fact that i'm not exactly wow'ing anymore...

somehow, i just keep hoping he'll be able to understand all of my revelations on my past and future attitudes towards hall. i think it's time to start looking at the world outside of my relationship, outside of game, and outside of myself.

i want to belong.

it's weird how this theme keeps popping up. when i was in secondary school, i could never really fit into the class. we formed a clique named the hentai gumi (not). but we never really clicked with the majority.

when we advanced up to JC, i couldn't fit into any of the cliques. and it took immense effort and lots of time before i could blend in with melissa they all. i can still remember meishi telling me how i should make the effort and try to belong.

i feel like the whole issue has just resurfaced again, and it was handled pretty poorly in the first year at hall6. now it's going to take twice the effort to break down the exclusive barrier the people have formed, and reform it with myself in it.

suddenly, i wonder if he will be able to see the necessity in all of this. it's quite terrible. to be feeling left out and knowing it is because you haven't been there in the first place.

to feel like no one notices your absence or presence.

ganbatte angela.

suddenly i just feel so spent, and all my thots feel choked and my fingers are not doing their job at expressing them anymore.

frustrated and confused.

the garden swing

2007-08-11T16:26:00.000+08:00

this is a rebirth of my blog.

and as all births and deaths should be marked, this is a post to mark the monumental change in blog identity.

in every period of my life, i have kept blogs intermittently, and i have changed sites, and gave each a new name and identity as each was sculpted to my moods and personality, as i was sculpted by life.

for this blog, i have not done so, for i feel that as one changes, so does her blog. instead of holding on zealously to dead and stagnant blogs of the past, we should embrace it and give it a makeover, not put it aside and frame it up in unused links.

the previous incarnation of this blog was titled and defined by it's link, "appoggiature". the term means leaning notes, and it is highly descriptive of individuals in life.

leaning notes are no more than a split second of musical decoration in any piece. they do not form chords, nor do they play a large part in the general melody of the work. however, without them, a piece is bland. they are discordant to at least one note in the chord they lean on, but yet are immaterial without the support.

this is very much like individuals in life. we are all small and inconsequential in the workings of nature and politics. and we do not have identity if not for the people around us who embrace our differences and appreciate the sparks and occasional clash we bring about in their lives.

it is leaning notes that give form to a symphony, and we, individuals that give life to the world.

it is not that i have ceased to feel so, but that a deeper sanctuary is my hunt.

the Garden Swing is the image i have brought up for myself in vivid gothic strokes of an imaginary brush. a swing, nestled in heathers and weeds, behind overgrown hedges and backed by a strong, old tree. where within, no sound is audible but the rustle of leaves and chirping of crickets.

danger could be imminent behind the tree, unknown terrors within the hedges. but that all seems faraway, like a strange reassuring force and clam has settled on one. it is a place for fantastical and contemplative moments, and for small gatherings with close friends.

and then it strikes you that the security is all because this haven is tucked within the depths of the back-garden of your mind.

all sounds very thoughtful and dramatic, but i guess this is the whole feel i'm hoping to build my blog into. a safe haven for my quiet and crazy moments. the rest... i just couldn't help expanding on it. though i do hope you are not overwhelmed by the sudden lengthy descriptions, i do wish to express that these thoughts are rather sincere.

while this blog is not likely to be known to even a few of my close friends, it is rather fine, because essentially, a blog is one's own.

yeppers, it does.

2007-08-11T15:51:00.000+08:00

alright baby ^__^ now it works, and i don't have to manually create 'titles' for my own blog headers anymore. coz now the title function of blogger works with the skin le ^__^ but hor. coz the previous one didn't, i must apologise that the previous posts will all look more than a little weird. let me just meddle a little more and i'll do a full intro to my new home in a later post ^__^

this is a test post

2007-08-11T15:47:00.000+08:00

a trial to see the dynamics of this new skin i'm using... ^__^ hope ti all works out well... let's see.

2007-08-10T16:04:00.000+08:00

art, music, and no speakers

have i mentioned that i like JJ Lin's new song? it's called 杀手. and the MV is super cool ^__^ it's rahter morbid, has a bit of a gruesome artistic gothic touch to it. and he looks totally killer psycho in his eyes. has the stalker look, and has totally suitable dance moves to boot.

in all, this is the best JJ Lin has ever looked to me ^__^ i wish i had a psycho killer friend around that looked this good. sigh.

listening to the song on loop. sadded that i've got no speakers. yet. thinking of bringing my 4.1 system into school. now wouldn't that be super cool ^__^ can have my own ktv session in room. think i might drive estelle mad. OOH. speaking of estelle, ezra helped her move her fridge in this morning ^__^ or last night.

oh, i was talking about 杀手. the MTV, the uncensored one, ends with him dismembering the girl and mounting all her separate body parts on different frames. red backdrop and gold frames. and arranged nicely. and the last part he put on was the head, with a tiara on it.

here's the link.

coz i can't seem to get it onto the site >__< sigh. this is only the uncensored mtv. there's apparently a full version that's about 20 mins long. and frm the janus pple, it sounded particularly gruesome. i think i'm going to check it out.

haha, i realise that i type a hell lot faster on my laptop. haha. and tonight there's YAC lessons. and i can hardly sing. my voice is back by about one third. i'm super scared i'll be tempted to sing, which i'm hardly supposed to.

anyway.

mike's at his magical voice of a singer class, and guess what, anselm is in his class too ^__^ it sounds like a nice elective to take. BUT! it clashes with Applied Chem, so i dun think that taking it would be a good idea. since i fought so hard for spaces in the class XP. so now i'm basically sitting back in my room and wishing desperately my speakers were here, coz i'm listening to songs on my laptop's sucky speakers.

alone, and unable to blast music. what a sad predicament.

loading the full version on youtube now. so excited to watch it. but i wonder if it's gonna be really really gory. but it can't get any worse than the forensic thing lynn they all showed me in conrad while i was on night shift.

[warning: unpleasant content]

can you imagine? i was on OVERNIGHT shift and they made me watch a video of a woman being opened up, her skin removed, skull cracked and all her insides put on a surgical table. i suppose it was supposed to be an informative video for doctors and forensic pathologists. but still. urgh.

it was such a methodical approach. like slicing open the skin/scalp. and stuff. i can still remember, but i guess i'l save you guys the gory details.

[unpleasant content over]

*shudders at memory*

there's gonna be a barbecue for all the janus pple next sunday! 19th august ^__^ and tomorrow there's gonna be a dinner for all the OC pple, at fish&co. i wonder how i'm going to get all my tutorials done at this rate. so many core subjects! haha.

can't wait for monday to arrive. there's going to be spanish tutorial!!! i kinda miss it. think i'm pretty rusty by now. the core subjects all look very "engineering"... i wish we had more science classes.

[pauses blogging to watch JJ Lin's video]

[unpauses]

actually, i haven't gotten around to watching it, coz i realised there were 3 parts to it, 10 mins + 10 mins + 2 mins.

so i'm going to wait for all 3 parts to load before watching everything at one shot. just so i can talk here a little longer ^__^ aren't you guys happy to have such a nice narrator?

given that at this point of time, i'm not releasing this blog to the general public yet, i have no idea who is it exactly that i'm talking to. and it's not like my blog has been widely visited even when it was up for public appreciation ^^" my guess is that the tricky spelling of the URL has something to do with it. it took me some time, back when i was learning these musical terms, to pick up the right spelling too. double-pee and double-gee. haha.

i like this blog name. i think it's very apt. don't you think so too? i've removed most of the descriptions of an appoggiatura from the main page, so it doesn't look quite consolidated now, the definitions, just scattered at the top of every page. took me some time yesterday to redefine the parameters for the blog image. the sucky thing about this is tat i can't seem to get the picture to fit the screen nicely. and i like the backdrop too much to change to one of the premade templates done by blogger.

but this skin really limits the functions of the blog. for one, and most importantly, is the comments thing. so sad right. that i have a blog no one can comment on. even a tagboard doesn't suffice man. and YES, for those of you who may come across this in the later future when i re-release this blog, i HAVE a tagboard. you can access it via the bottom-most leaf on the left.

i wonder sometimes, how long it takes pple to figure out how to navigate around my blog ^^"

almost loaded ^__^ tho i can easily start watching the first part and allow the second part to load in the 10 mins it takes to finish the first part, i will be a good host and not leave you guys to your own sad devices while you are here. because you're prolly pretty bored to be reading this in the first place ^__^

sometimes i think that for a person to be keeping up on your blog, it's a sign that the person actually cares about how you're getting on and stuff. unless you course you're like that xiaxue person who blogs for public appeal.

not me. i blog to record my thots, to babble and release pent up stuff, and for future reading purposes. i find that i like to return to my old blogs and read old posts and remember.

on the practical side, it's also to hone my writing skills and to ensure that my ability at expressing myself has not deteriorated to pathetic-ity. haha. tho i'm sure my talent at self-expression is far from previous standards that got certain schoolmates to praise verbally in a real-life conversation.

sigh. the good old days when my english proficiency remained where pple thot i couldn't speak chinese properly. now? i speak with a more than generous scattering of singlish dotting my speech/text/sms. it's not a good thing. even kelvin has commented on it.

but it's not something i regret consciously, coz i think that while having a good grasp of english is super handy in a lot of written tasks and cover letters and blogs and company functions, in the end, it's all about being able to communicate, right?

it would be so weird to use written english standards in normal day-to-day conversations. there are just so many phrases and expressions and terms that simply don't pop up in friendly chats. unless of course your friendly chats consists of full-blown intellectual debates on whether fish actually exist in the deep sea, and it's not the normal deep sea, but the deep sea deeper than the deep sea as we know. ah well.

and the video is loaded, so i'll let my virtual saliva regenerate itself while i stop talking online for a while and watch my 22 minutes worth of violent video.

[pauses blogging]

[unpauses]

it was... pretty cool, tho the dismembering parts, and the shots where you cna actually see what he's done is pretty little. was hoping there would be more. sort of. and the audio/video was not veyr synchronised. think the person who uploaded it screwed up super badly on that. sigh. all in all, slightly disappointed.

i guess if i can, i'll see if i can get my hands on the single. then i'll get to watch it in it's full gory (you didn't read that wrongly) on a proper tv, instead of having to squint at the subtitles and listen super hard on laptop speakers to understand what he's saying. think i'll cover more on this gruesome topic later, coz shieh yuan and huishan are coming up for a visit ^__^ yay.

2007-08-10T00:37:00.000+08:00

dark circles

warning. this is a totally pointless post.

it's no wonder i'm getting super dark rings under my eyes... can't seem to feel tired before 2. so now i'm sitting in a dark room, focussing all my energies on keeping my typing volume low. and staring at a screen that's just one what'stheunitforlumination (candela?) from burning my eyes out.

i swear this isn't very healthy.

quitting wow is leaving me with one less source of entertainment late at night and with no earphones to listen to music/watch movies/youtube quietly with. maybe i might frequent msn again ^__^ who knows.

i guess having a luminous keyboard does help in this way. there is now no need to light up the whole room just to figure out what i'm typing into my blog entry. wahaha. and no, it isn't mine. it's kel's. if you haven't already figured out, i'm on this stealth mission coz my dearest hubby is asleep behind me.

the only reason why i'm not turning down the brightness of the monitor is coz i can't figure out which buttons to press... it's simply too dark in the dark. heh. super bored la.

praying for a miracle to happen now. i've got less than 20 hours tor ecover my voice sufficiently for a proper chorus of any song.

haha, making very random statements now. so many thoughts rushing thru my head, and all either too abstract to vocalise, verbalise, materialise, or i've already ranted somewhere sometime somehow le, and am sian'ed of repeating myself. so essentially, this particular entry is just a random entry to whittle away some time before i turn in.

shieh yuan dropped by hall on tues night, and it was such a treat to see her again. i haven't seen her in a million years. i got to see andrew on weds morning too. he looks like a cross between a chipmunk and a beaver. and it's not meant to be an insult whatsoever. just a comment ^__^

and estelle is actually yeeling's friend's friend! haha, so they know each other, and it's sucha coincidence that estelle's previous roomie is called emmeline too ^__^

gargh. think i'm giving up on this post. it's totally pointless. psh.

2007-08-09T22:39:00.000+08:00

morbid games

it's tiring, this morbid game we play.

it starts with you choosing a piece, an argument or comment flung offhand. it will always end in silence. it's process varies; sometimes it gets loud, others, strained and contained.

it's like a dance, both circling each other, in offense and defense. always swiping but never truly hurting. it's almost choreographed, in it's predictability and recently increased frequency. like rehearsals before a dreaded performance.

it's like a tussle, but never quite so bodily warm. often, it is sharp and cold, and provides grim satisfaction in landing a successful blow. it's like yearning for approval which is always denied, and returning with a vengeance.

in the end, it's all about well-placed words and poorly-chosen phrases. it's about tempers and patience and tolerance. of restrained voices and contained emotions. triumph and resentment.

this morbid game we play. it's testing my faith, but it's like we've fallen in a limbo and can't break out. helpless puppets, or crazed materminds?

and you ask me why i'm feeling emotionally spent.

2007-08-09T17:14:00.000+08:00

1900-QUIT-WOW

maybe i'm really leaving wow for good. maybe it's a good thing.

recently realised how out of touch i am with the hall6 people. even during the camp, it felt like i was the 3rd and redundant leg of the 2-man operation of keeping the group up. it feels like...

yeah. a bystander looking in. especially when the girls are involved. it's just so weird. and it feels like my only link to the group is mike? not even alvin, so much, these days. sometimes i wonder if they feel like i'm some kind of a burden to bring along. like, having to constantly make concessions for me, instead of just immersing themselves totally in the group.

or maybe i'm just feeling too self-important.

back to less thoughtful stuff.

my voice has been gone for slightly over a week le. and tomorrow, i'm supposed to present a chorus of a song, any song, so that the vocal trainer can give us suggestions on how to improve, and have a better idea how we sound like. but i have no voice!!! how!!!

and next friday, that's 17th august, we've got a recording session. sigh. praying it will all work out nicely, and my voice will recover sufficiently. if not fully. still have no idea what songs to sing wor.

and kel isn't helping matters. everytime i ask or broach the subject, he'll just tell me how it's all my own fault that i've got no voice. well, maybe. but it's all because i haven't been giving my all that i'm alienated, that i'm feeling so out-of-touch. and all he can tell me is, why did you have to go and join the cheer fight, i told you you had to take care of your voice and such.

it really doesn't help. coz who do you think is the most anxious about this whole thing? you? no! you think i have no idea why? but it's all past and my voice is already as gone as it can possibly get. so why can't you be more supportive, and quit luo jing xia shi?

i guess i'm whining, and if you do get to read this, hubby, you'll prolly get pissed and we'll have a... heated talk.

not really argument. just, a heated talk. you'll lose your patience, and i'll lose my tolerance. and this has been happening so often these days.

there is hardly any substantial conversation we have that is not dotted with either your unhappiness or mine. and everytime we meet, there will be definitely something i do, or you dot hat makes either of us unhappy with the other. i'm so tired of it all.

and now that school is starting, i'll have less time, more commitments and stuff. and it feels like you're unhappy that i'm commiting myself back to something that i should have started commiting myself to last year.

and that's a reason why i'm quitting wow too. so that i've got the extra time to just nua and hang around when i'm not doing homework. i've got half a year to reduce my dependence on mike to link me to the group. half a year before he goes off on his IA. half a year for others to start noticing i exist and actively notice my existence.

jiayous angela.

(and cut down on these whine-fests soon, too)

2007-03-03T23:29:00.000+08:00

you know what? i don't really see what's the big problem about you coming over to hall to stay! you feel like we've got to sacrifice a lot just because i twisted an ankle. but we DON'T.

when i suggested you to come over and stay, the first shitty reason you gave me was, "then how do i get to work?" like obviously take the bus out to boon lay then take the bus to tuas! and then,

"then got to estimate the time and all that."

like i don't know how long it takes from school to boon lay and you don't know how long it takes from boon lay to tuas.

"then i no need da bao breakfast la? nvm can go and buy at the interchange."

like hell you will, you know and i know hte food there sucks. so? there's a can 2 and a can 1 just opposite the road!

i don't know what the fuck's wrong. so maybe it is a little troublesome for you. where you gonna wash up in the morning? what if you needed the toilet at night? it's inconvenient, i know. but once in a while isn't gonna kill you. especially when you know we wanna meet up and it's not convenient for me to go over.

so you think we need to oh, sacrifice, because i twisted an ankle. we don't. you just need to compromise. accomodate.

and i still don't believe what i heard.

"i thot i raid til dulan, can give you a call and maybe i'll feel better. but it's just making things worse."

well thanks.

i'm not in the best of moods to chat now either. i've just started out on my lab report and now you've got my head spinning with a million other stuff that is totally unrelated to the likes of lab report.

i am so pissed. why can't you actually pretend to give in for once?

i've got an injured ankle. this is a solution that can solve 2 problems, my inconvenience and we can meet up.

are you telling me that not even under these circumstances will you give in and come over, just for this once? you were willing to pack chicken rice for yu zheng to bring into ntu. to her hall. even when it was just a fling.

I'M GODDAMN INJURED AND YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO COME EVEN IF IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN GUARANTEE MEET UP.

fuck man.

what the FUCK is this!

i'm really rather upset. why? it's just a night. and it's really the same. now that you don't even game much late at night anymore, you don't have to play on my laptop if you don't want to. i have 2 beds that i can shift to form a big one.

it won't look ugly or anything, because there's practically a dozen guys who stay in their girlfriends' rooms or vice versa, every night.

when are you going to get the idea in your head that it is OKAY?

when are you going to start feeling like seeing me is more important than having a place to brush your teeth the next morning?

2007-02-23T03:55:00.000+08:00

liberated

it's amazing what a friend can do for you.

jerome came over and we had a really long chat. i cried, when i was relating to him about dear. a general summary of how i felt, and everything...

and thru this talk i realised pleasant things and unpleasant things that i had already known. what do they call it? rediscovery.

and the funny thing is, tho' i knew them all along, it just felt more empowering when i spoke them aloud to another person. i never had a friend whom i could share relationship woes... the last person i talked to was kor, about a year ago. and even he didn't know me this well.

i couldn't talk to mummy or daddy or weiwei or shieh yuan or anyone for that matter.

it's odd how introverted i can be, and what a reclusive person i am. but jerome. i'm thankful for this friend of mine. he knows and i know that we really are just what we are. very good friends.

it felt really liberating to talk. i was close to an emotional breakdown, and talking to him allowed me to reorganise my thots and feelings. he had his own fair share of problems, which is of course inconvenient to mention here.

there are many details which i shall not dwell on now. i'll save them for a later time, when my eyes are not burning with tears already drying on tissues in the bin.

i just want to jot down the feeling of liberation from my breakdown.

thank you brudda.

2007-02-22T23:04:00.000+08:00

fighting no more

i'm not going to fight anymore.

because my constructed reasoning and justifications just revealed themselves for what they really are. and so dearie is mad.

and you know what the funny thing is? the event that sparked it all off had NOTHING to do with kenny. it was a mis-sms to jerome.

i don't believe how dumb i was. to not have realise that in dearie's eyes, jerome was no different from kenny.

i admit it, there are many things which i do not tell dearie about kenny. which i hide and guard from him, that i let jerome in on. but with regards to jerome, no. because i feel that kenny has the greater potential to deal the crushing blow to dearie. i wanted to handle it all by myself. and until this moment, i still maintain that i can handle it.

people just don't ever realise that i don't need advise. how many times do i heed it? people don't see that i THINK. that i CONSTRUCT. that i CONSIDER. that i DECIDE. even before they open their mouths. even before i ask.

that's why i've been able to give justifications so readily for my actions. a move that proved too clever for myself. dearie thot i was being dismissive.

maybe i'm really just losing myself. throwing caution to the wind. flirting with fire. being too bold.

i never did speak to anyone like that. never did ask anyone out to chill. never made the first move. i was smart enough.

what's coming over me? it's not deliberate. i like to think that it's just me coming out of my own little closet.

of course dearie is upset i share more with jerome and mike than anyone. because they don't have his interests at heart. they have MINE. which do not necessarily conincide with his.

because love is selfish. if possible, dearie would have me blinded and deaf so that i will never have the chance to receive the love of another. and risk having me succumb to a potentially better guy. because he loves me. i understand.

maybe i'll react the same way if it were a girl on his heels.

but me. i really just wanna have some fun. i just want to do what i like to do, what i want to do. there are so many things that dearie cannot or will not or do not want to do with me. they say love means sacrifice. maybe i'm just not that generous.

or maybe i've really gone overboard.

but in the end the person i'll return to is you! why can't you see it? or maybe i'm too naive?

i know it's the last.

because just staying by you is not loving you. to put you in the topmost priority. to think about how you would feel and act accordingly. to understand. that is love. it's not about sacrifice. it's about thinking. for your other half. and in thinking, you may need to put aside some stuff. that's love.

but here are so many things i can't put down just like that.

but i'm so tired of justifying, of reasoning. day in day out. just to fight for a chance to do what i want. for you to understand.

maybe i've really gone overboard. fought too much. been too demanding.

i'm just so tired.

i'm not gonna fight anymore.

i'll just drift, afloat on this river. and i'll come back.

2007-02-22T14:27:00.000+08:00

life in mono

the stranger sang a theme
from someone else's dream
the leaves began to fall
and no one spoke at all

but i can't seem to recall
when you came along

ingenue ingenue
i just don't know what to do

the tree-lined avenue
begins to fade from view
drowning past regrets
in tea and cigarettes

but i can't seem to forget
when you came along

ingenue ingenue
i just don't know what to do

such a sorrowful theme... it's a song that will really strike a chord in your heart. life in mono.

*sigh*

i really really love this song. it's on loop and playing whenever i'm in my room.

and i'm in my room now because i'm seriously contemplating whether or not i should go for my accounting tutorial.

firstly my legs hurt so much... from 2 hours of squash. which isn't much, but because i've been so out of shape, and i didn't do a proper stretch down, my right calf, both quads, lower back and right deltoid are hurting like shit.

secondly i didn't do my tutorial.

thirdly i just honestly don't feel like going.

BUT! i've missed one tutorial without reason le. if i miss another i wonder how it's gonna affect my grades? i think 10% of my grades are supposedly based on participation... budden i'm already intending to SU my accounting...

think i'll more or less be skipping it le... sian feel so slack. maybe i should take this time to study?

hm. but i think there are a couple of interesting fics out there....

2007-02-22T00:40:00.000+08:00

ramblings of a confused mind

i'm posting here because i don't trust myself to write it in my journal without tearing the page out. in fact i might just get back into the blogging habit. but this time it really is for my own viewing pleasure, simply because everyone prolly thinks this blog is a dead blog. and i wouldn't want to remind anyone of it's existence.

this post is about a guy called kenny.

first things first. chances are he's trying to chase me. i do love my boyfriend KELVIN a lot. i do. but i do like to hang out with kenny a lot too, as a friend. BUT somehow i have a hunch that we don't see eye to eye on this.

one big query i have is that does kenny want me to know he's interested? my guess is, "prolly not." coz he's been placing emphasis on how he's a great FRIEND, and how he thinks i'm his close and good FRIEND, and how it's cool that he has a PLATONIC female FRIEND.

so it all sounds good, and maybe it's just my vanity making me feel that he's interested.

BUT THEN he does stuff that are extremely suggestive. just now only, did he call and tell me, "hey angela, you can come to MOS with jerome and his girlfriend, then i promise you i'll pei ni." he even offered to pay my cab fare from clementi to MOS when i told him i had KTV til 9. amidst other stuff he did that i'm just too sick of mentioning after running them thru my head guessing his motive a million times over.

and i do love him, but on my side, purely platonic. i love it the way we share common interests. like wakeboarding, and recently, squash. we're classmates, and we have every reason to study together.

jerome tells me the way i behave is suggestive. period. and it's not even just to him. to everyone, in general. it's just me ^^ so i shld go on being myself, and if he cracks, it's really just him. time enough will show i'm honestly just MYSELF.

dearie has been rather unhappy about him. i would give him every right to be, seeing the way his girlfriend acts without a thot to discourage her suitor. the very fact that i don't want to explicitly DISCOURAGE him is ENCOURAGING him in his eyes. am i? but i'm just me, i just wanna do the things i wanna do with a friend!

dearie thinks that i have every right to use "because my boyfriend doesn't like it" as a reason to ward off his every "advance". but what happens if i don't mind his "advances"?

now this sounds a bit complicated. we all know that his moves are "advances". BUT if we choose to be innocent and see them as sincere friendly gestures, what reasons do i really have to reject them? and i do view him as a really good friend. especially since he's been trying to convince me of his concurring views, i might as well just play it his way, and just accept his "advances" as friendly gestures for a very good friend, right?

this mentality is what i'm clearly aware that's giving dearie all his insecurity. that one day kenny might take me away from him.

for my mental state now, i'm very clear that if there had to be such a day that kenny would crack, i'll stand by kelvin. through and through. simply because i love kelvin. more.

but in the meantime, i'm so torn. knowing that i could easily make kelvin feel better and less tired and less insecure by rejecting everything kenny sends my way, and NOT doing it. simply because i do enjoy doing stuff with kenny just as a good friend.

jerome's a really cool guy. at least he sees things for me. and not for any of the other people involved in this weird situation.

the trouble is, he's presenting a reality i believe both me and kelvin would rather thinkdid not exist. and me, i'd like to think it's impossible, but recently it's possibility just loomed bigger and bigger...

that one day, i'll find someone whom i'm really more confortable with and break up with kel, choosing instead to seek comfort in the other.

i like to think that will not happen to me.

when will this blow over? i really really pray that things will come out just as they had been, that i will not lose my mugging partner, my friend and my classmate. and that at the end of it we will see eye-to-eye and still be able to laugh and joke about it.

i hope it all comes to a peaceful end.

and whether or not i'll end up with kel for like whatever future i might have will remain in the hands of a future yet unseen.

i can only hope.

2006-04-29T18:22:00.000+08:00

hungry

i'm hungry i'm hungry i'm hungry i'm hungry i'm hungry i'm hungry i'm hungry.

i typed that, not copy and paste, k.

today was a generally boring day. went online for some 5 minutes, saw that my robes were changed, enchanted. found out later from dear mr lam that he had also bought new items for me. apartr from that, my bag was nicely void of junk, arranged neatly, and instead of a soul pouch almost void of soul shards, it was not only chock full, but i also have 15 more shards in my backpack. the missing one being the slot that mr lam has used to put my hearthstone. i of course put everything more or less back to where i was accustomed to having them, minus the fact that my bags were blissfully clear of items.

i think he is addicted to sucking souls. coz everytime he plays with khryss, he'll happily happily suck souls. haha. apparently, this time round, he got kor to bring him to feralas and he just followed behind to suck souls... anyway, it was a good thing, coz my exp upped by about a bar or two. haha!

i was looking forward to having some substantial play time tomorrow, but it seems i'll have to report to work at 12 noon for dance pract, so i won't get to touch the comp at all >_< my goodness. it's disgusting! but no choice la... last day liaos, might as well have some fun, right?

after all, i have an extra week to do what i want online, while weiwei is at school i will... REN3!!!!!!

haha. i guess that's about it le ba. get back again later.

1 more day til 30th april
3 more days til 2nd may

2006-04-28T23:59:00.000+08:00

termination of contract

Dear Rachel and Melissa,

We are going to terminate the contract with Ms Ling Wan Ching/contract operator. Her last date of employment will be Sunday, 30 Apr.

Dear Jasper,

Angela is 6pm-2am shift today. Please inform her the above.

Regards,
Nelson

like WOAH. that was sudden.

the information was plonked on my head today (as in friday) and i was congratulated by a few of my colleagues in the front office department to have tuo1 li2 ku3 hai3. lol.

dance pract for me will prolly be on monday... sianz. i had made plans with dearie to camp at his place for monday and tuesday night, but then, it seems i'll have dance pract on monday afternoon, and team members' day on wednesday afternoon. so... a bit difficult to argue for 2 midnights, ne?

lol.

maybe we can catch some midnight movies. that'd be fun. haha.

made some pathetic sort of cards for everyone in the telephone department today... will probably be passing them out between tomorrow and the day after... some i'll have to give earlier because i won't be seeing them again (like, geraldine, for example).

it's a weird kind of feeling. i'm certain i won't miss this place, or the job. but i guess there'll be a couple of people i would love to keep in contact with.

finished "the soulforge" today... going to kope the next book from dearie soon. haha, maybe monday? then he can play his game, and i can read my book! haha, and hopefully, i'll be tired enough to sleep, at least until mummy leaves home for marina south... such fraud! haha. ooh! maybe i can psycho mummy they all to send me down to conrad for dance pract on their way down to marina south! haha. yay.

but confirm she will be unhappy. "how can they like that? make you work midnight, then make you come down in the middle of the day, when you're supposed to be sleeping?" haiz.

dunno. a bit of a weak argument, plus the fact that i won't be able to sleep very well the next morning... haiz.

i was saying... oh yeah! had a really satisfying 75 mins online today. ran rfd with dearie and kor, and all the cloth items we were out to get dropped, as well as a blue BoP item which was really very rare, since kel has only seen it twice in his many many runs in rfd... and i just picked it up. like that. and all i can do is... vendor it!!! *tears hair in frustration* haiz... disappointed in myself. but i got many many many many many many many items. green, blue, white, gray.

and daddy pulled a cold one on me today... he told me! he told me i got as letter from NUS just as we started to whack the lich king! and you know what? i was so happy, i screamed about it in party chat, and kor and kel were congratulating me and you know what? it was a letter from NTU to invite me to that MSE tea reception again. BLAH...

made me so happy for nothing.

tho' it would have made a good ending to a really good day. haha.

hm, but the day was quite good, pretty uneventful. made my "cards" (which were in fact a4 sized paper folded twice) haha. pretty good pretty good. i made on for geraldine too! haha, what a nice junior.

anyway, i'm testing out instant tea made from the hot water of our new coffee maker... smells pretty good. wee~

2 more days til 31 april
4 more days til 2 may

2006-04-26T21:59:00.000+08:00

tralala.

this is me blogging at my workplace now...

as per always.

nothing much to say today, just thought i might come up and do my blog some justice...

decided to join inno with meishi... probably try to psycho shieh yuan as well XD meishi seems troubled, as per her blog, but i guess i'm in no position to pry. hope she is truly happy where she is... she seems rather stressed by her job >_<

she mentioned sheryl and huijie flying away to oterh parts of the world, and that this is where jc life truly ends... i guess i feel similarly ba... at least for me, i feel so out of touch with everyone around, bubbled up in a job that leaves me too apathetic towards anything outside of myself. myself, as in me, my family and kel. and game. i don't even speak much with shieh yuan anymore.

is this what it's going to be like, when you and your best university mates graduate, and you each find different jobs and lead different lives? it's like, i can always hold on to the thought that there's always university life that will bring us back to each other. but for how long more? is it really so?

it's really really sad when friends part. but it's worse when you just drift slowly, and one day, you might find yourself hating the very fact that you did nothing to stop yourself being overcome by that accursed apathy.

am i an apathetic person?

sure, i might be able to tell how you might think, or react, at times, but how much of you do i actually know? and do i actually care that i don't?

i'm actually very scared that living together with SY might cause cracks in our friendship, from the strains of everyday living. but i want to bunk with her all the same, because i don't know what else to do that can keep us close anymore. i mean, sure, we won't be like cold or anything, but. i've gotten used to her daily presence, and now i'm getting used to her absence, and it doesn't feel right that i should.

and about everyone else too. i miss the gumi, but i can't remember when was the last time we hung out as a group anymore. or when i made a call to any one of them to chat.

i don't know... i feel so out of sync with everyone else. i would hear them talk about how "yesterday, we blahblahblah...", "oh yeah... that day she said blahblahblah..." and i would be like, okay... issit O_o?

i guess it's called feeling left-out. only, this time, i don't have a right to grumble, coz it's all my own fault...

dunno why suddenly so melancholy >_<

anyway, back to inno.

surprisingly, daddy and mummy both allowed it, but mummy said to only take one camp a week. so that i can go on with my driving lessons and personal life... speaking of which, my driving lessons will be delayed, and wel... i don't know... i really really wanted to just do my lessons like how i planned, i guess. but well. i think the job sounds pretty good. lol.

other than that, i'm pretty consumed in my new read, "the soulforge" the book about raistlin's history. yups, and that's about it, for my thoughts of the day.

10 more days to 6th may
6 more days to 2nd may

2006-04-24T17:11:00.000+08:00

red hot chilli peppers

haha... that's what my butt certainly felt like last night... why? haha. haha. hahahaha. owing to the normal biological processes a human should have, what is ingested should be duly passed out after all nutrients have been exctracted from said igested specimen...

and why did that set my butt on fire?

easy. everything i ate the whole day was spicy >_< i ate super spicy, but super nice prawn mee for lunch, spicy sichuan ramen at crystal jade for an early dinner, and nasi lemak with lots of sambal for supper... haha. but it was really really really good.

haha.

went kayaking yesterday morning. haha, it was super!!! 8 of us turned up... that was, me, meishi, ailin, libin, kailing, jianda, shiwei and justin. navajos power! 75% of navajos showed up!!! haha. we kayaked from PC to the food centre and back. and on the entire trip, we met up with heavy showers twice, and had to beach up once... to eat raisins ^^" haha.

but NS is a good cure for immaturity, i guess.

JD and SW were no longer fighting with each other the whole time, and they were such gentlemen!!! haha, whenever we had to launch off into the water, they would hold on to our boats for us to help us get on and launch off... and would even give us a good hard push to help us get into the water fast. haha. sooo nice. makes me feel rather pampered, coz the girls in OAC are all rather gung-ho one, usually everything can do by themselves, but hey! that doesn't mean we don't enjoy being pampered once in a while, right? haha.

and another thing i noticed... kailing was pretty seasick on our way out, so you know what? it was like, unspoken, but they just took turns to kayak beside her, and kept a lookout for all who were slower... my goodness! the kind of feeling... it's like you're watching your little kids grow up into men *blissful expression*

haha, then we went back to suntec, and me and JD went to eat, and then i came down to work...

then the day before... that's the day i MC'ed, the performance was a "success".

successful in that the audience loved it, but not in the sense that we made so many stupid mistakes... haha.

the makeup was super cool tho'. i had this cloudstrife-like fringe, and my make up mnade me have sharp eyes, and i put blusher in the faye wong style, so i looked, well... PRETTY! haha. pretty shuai too. so egoistic, i took like so many many photos of myself into my handphone... can't wait to show dearie ^_^

went to the pre-release before PA, and i met chris and wen han >_< they don't look like how they sound in-game... lol. kel fell sick tho'...

then i went off first to PA, and met all the people i haven't met in such a long time... missed them loads >_< haiz...

...yeah, and i was saying, everyone was having so much fun. i did too ^_^ made up myself (am very proud of make up) and had face painted by pei rong. hair was done by mingwei... so fun! he spent like, an hour on my hair... i had cloud's fringe (for a while before everything drooped a little, but still nice) and everyone around was saying how i looked like an anime character. they don't know how happy i am to hear that. haha. so fun so fun... that day was one of the days i enjoyed myself the best...

after that, we reached the performance area, and even when we were about to perform, i didn't hear from kel T_T i guess pretty much that he was KO'ed at home... haha, so i didn't call him, no nothing, until after the performance. there was a drizzle and it was crowded anyway, so his nose would've given him hell. such a senseble person i am. haha.

then later jio kor out to eat... haha, went out in full make up and hair do, and joyce said she wants me ^_^ haha.

so that wraps up my two better days in a long while. it's the 24th april today...

12 more days to 6th may
8 more days to 2nd may

2006-04-21T20:12:00.000+08:00

what would you do?

you had a concert coming up that you'll be giving an mc at work for. the performance item is a percussion item that you had already performed at chingay... when you first practiced for it then, you asked your boyfriend to come down to listen to it, but he never had a chance to. you want him to hear it, because it's a percussion piece that you really really like, and you'd like to share it with him. moreover, he is not the kind of person who would very well appreciate traditional music, so you thought a more rousing percussion piece might be more interesting.

so when you first knew of the performance slightly more than a week before, you excitedly told him about it, and asked him if he was free. he said yes, and you booked him for that night. better still, you realise a couple of days before the concert that it's situated near his house, and informs him about it.

then, on the night before the performance, he tells you he'll be staying over at his brother's house for mahjong overnight, then pre-release the next morning. it slips his mind, like it had before, that you were performing that night. he remembers with a start that he also has an instance run scheduled that night. he says:

"oh. wah... the saturday one is more important... coz it's the beginning of the run mah, so if anyone loots any drops, you will be pushed up on the rank... but if i don't go... then, well, i'll be frozen lor, just that i won't rise on the rank."

you remind him that the item is the opening item, and he is pleasantly surprised. but you have once told him before already, just that he forgot. you tell him that you had hoped to be able to go home with him if you could give the rest of the concert a miss, but since he's rather intent on running the instance, then well, there's not much of a point going back with him. he asks:

"make up your mind what you want, then let me know tomorrow."

you tell him, it's not about what i want. what do you want? he says:

"if you ask me what i want, then i'll tell you i want to stay home the whole day, and play the whole day."

you know he would definitely be happier staying at home. he would be tired after his pre-release, and it would be good if he could have some rest before his run. you know for a fact he isn't too keen on the concert, and the only reason he would turn up is because you asked him to. but you want him to hear you perform too. and you would be happy if he were to come down. just that after this turn of events, you'd probably feel guilty too...

what would you do?

2006-04-20T13:55:00.000+08:00

more dolls ^_^

a black one! dark faerie ^_^

and a funky green one ^_^

a blue one!! wanted to make it like, serene... mermaid goddess kind of thing, but i guess that will have to wait... coz i'm so attracted by the hair!!! haha. here goes.

2006-04-20T10:48:00.000+08:00

bee-sy day

was a busy morning! wahaha. for a change. busy due to phone calls tho'. thank goodness it wasn't due to phone faults or something...

i realise that the bus 857 makes me think a whole lot about my relationship with kel. maybe coz our relationship started off on the very same bus? haha. can still remember the days when we would go home together from suntec on the bus, and he would send me up to the 12th floor. we would chat, a lot. and we would take public transport together everyday. we used to say, all our time spent together are on public transport, and our relationship was built on buses and trains.

i missed those days, somehow.

i think a lot. sometimes, i think i'm thinking too much for my own good. the main point here being that i'm not thinking constructive stuff. i'm not thinking happy stuff.

i'm thinking, do i see him in my future? as of now, no. and it's not likely to change anytime soon. or so i think. because it's not his situation. it's his thinking... and him. there's just... something. i don't know how to put this across.

i'm changing my thinking... i used to hope that oen day, i'll see some changes in him, or rather, that the him i know is temporary. i really don't mind his sloppiness (at times) but it's not something i would want to live with, like always. you see what i mean? he was like this, before i came into his life, and i'm starting to think he will always be. and his procrastinating nature. he once told me he didn't use to be like that before she screwed his life. but i don 't see him bouncing back. i don't know... these are all flaws that i can live with, but not like, always.

and i'm starting to think... do i see him in my future? is his future one i see myself in? and i'm not getting affirmative answers. and then, i think again. why? what's the point then, if we go on together? it's my mum's voice, telling me that. you know, this is terrible. it was exactly the same thing that happened with JD.

and all this is going on in my head. i wonder what he is thinking at the moment... i wonder if he know how i feel. i wonder if he's ever given all of this a thought.

see? thinking too much... but of course, all of this is just a small insistent thought in my head. i still do feel very much for him. i don't know. i don't know what i'm goiing to do about this. i don't know... i'm really lost at times. i think one day, i will be unable to keep all of these thoughts in my head, and i will speak to kor. and when that day comes, it will be... sad.

you know, i just recalled a scene... at the playground, where he used to drop by, after work. he was saying, you keep bottling all these negative feelings up, and you try to resolve them by yourself. and if you can't, and they build up, one day, you will be unhappy, and you'ld want to break up with me, and i wouldn't know why it all happened, because it's all been in your head.

have i already taken it a step too far?

there are so many different thoughts, all disjointed, running through my head. it's not making me happy. but i think if they one day get sorted and i get an answer, it'll make me sad.

but let's not say sad things.

the food in the canteen was actually pretty decent today ^_^

feeble.

blah >_< nvm, will update again later... prolly with more dolls.

2006-04-19T11:17:00.000+08:00

here's another one

see? what did i tell you? lol. the things you do when you're so totally bored... at work now, by the way.

and another!

thinking of making a whole series of faeries... let's start with a super pink (bimbo) one... haha. so girly, i shudder.

2006-04-17T12:50:00.000+08:00

sometimes...

when you just have nothing better to do... more coming up. haha.

2006-04-13T01:53:00.000+08:00

music is me

i bought new phones today!!! i meant, yesterday morning... haha. got story one kay.

coz i didn't get to buy the nice acrylic white ones that i wanted since i entered JC, i decided to go to HMV heerens to check it out... haha, it seems that HMV heerens does open at 10, and luckily it did, coz i... WALKED there!!! haha. i ended work at 730, so after a shower and breakfast, i left the hotel at about 0815/0820... reached city hall mrt at 0830 or something... and i decided to walk to heerens... reached there at about 0915. haha... okay la, about a 40 mins walk. i used mummy's earphones to have music keep me company... and you know what? i was still so early, i had time to stroll around, and sit at spinelli's at the heerens with an apple smoothie, finish it, stroll around some more, before the store finally opened...

feels very good, to be just strolling along, all by yourself... that's why i hope one day to go backpacking across europe, just walk and walk... with music as company, and a bag as a friend. nice, right?

but i think i hurt my left foot a bit... there was some funny tendon that felt a bit taut since i left the hotel, but i thought it was one of those morning pulls that would go away after a bit... and you know what? i carried on walking anyway, and i think i prolly hurt it a bit, coz now, it's still hurting when i walk... zzz.

but you know what's the best part? the heerens did not hold the phones i wanted anymore... so i was unhappy, and i walked on... and i say the words "SONY GALLERY" jump out at me on the paragon building... so i walked in!!! and i came out with a brand new pair of phones. haha.. thye're folded and standing on my desk now, to serve as speakers... i don't think i'm quite supposed to use them like this... but i kept the volume low, so the vibrations won't be too much for the phones to handle. hee. pretty stylo, but it looks super plastic... it is, by the way >_< which is such a pity.

went down to PA for practice just now, before work... oh my... it felt so super good, even though i feel so super tired now... haha. feels great to just hang around them again. and the performance is going to be at woodlands! i hope kel can go and see... hee. finally a chance to share the percussion piece i love with him. hee.

so so fun! i can't wait for my life to go back to normal.

hee hee.

2006-04-12T06:15:00.000+08:00

another quiz!

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)

You are the color red. You are the most controversial of all the colors. You are often easily angered, but as easily as you got excited, you come down. When angered, do you have the tendency to be malicious? Afterwards, do you end up begging for forgiveness? Maybe. But you're incredibly generous, and, odd enough, needy. You love to hate, and sometimes, you hate to love. This color describes you as generally edgy. When in a bad situation, you're pessimistic, and when you're in a good situation, you're extremely optimistic. You're painfully tempermental, and sometimes it hurts the ones you love. But with an exciting and stimulating attitude, you enjoy talking to people and being social. But aside from your bold and outgoing attitude, you're attention-needing and attention-getting. This color is associated with lust and desire--and you are both lust and desirous. You're a protective person when it comes to the people you love. You're incredibly sharp-witted and powerful (not to mention intelligent!).
Take this quiz!

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2006-04-12T04:16:00.000+08:00

thinking... thinking...

heard the song "sometimes love just ain't enough" by patti smtih over the radio just now... it's such a sad song. heard it once or twice before, but it's never struck me as so sad before. i'm sure if the next time we go to karaoke with kor and i ask for this song, kor will know what i mean. i think diana has sung this song before...

but never mind about that weird little musing.

was talking to aida during shift yesterday, and i didn't realise how deeply the politics of this office ran... apparently, she isn't too friendly with geraldine; who talks about me behind my back a lot; like i should have expected, anyway, since she talks about others to others a lot too. and the way she uses "we"... aida says that for her, at least, she just goes, "is it?", "okay", "hm..." to ward off these questions, so she doesn't back geraldine up... i personally would rather trust aida than geraldine. what cheek.

anyway, went to oscar's to eat the night before... didn't mention, right? we went there, and had a pretty good dinner. there was a pretty big variety of foor, but not all were fantastic... the desserts! ohmygodthedessertswerefabulous. haha. they had this HUUUUGE variety of desserts, which i didn't get to try all of T_T i was too full to even eat the chocs! so sad... coz the chocs are really really good. but the cake we ordered is untouched and at home, waiting for me to eat... i think when i go home, i seriously will eat it *salivates* haha.

can you believe it? i spent all my time after i returned home yesterday and before i went out yesterday sleeping!!! i reached home at around 0900, ate maggi mee, then went to sleep at around 0930. alarm rang at 1730, and snoozed til 1830. took a leak, called dear, who told me i didn't have to log on anymore, coz of maintenance, so i decided to go back to sleep. alarm went off at 1915, snoozed til 1930, and decided to reset alarm for 2000. and tada!!! i woke up with a huge shock at 2045. why? coz i set my alarm for 0800 *triple-zee* wtf?!

so i set out for work at 2110, hoping to get new headphones at HMV Citylink. but they have a total of 1 kind of phones in the range that i like... blardy. so now waiting for work to be over, then see if time is favourable for me to go HMV heerens to have a look at my phones. but before that, must really go to millenia walk to draw some cash, coz i'm so out of cash...

made like this huge embarrassment of myself in 7-eleven, coz i didn't have sufficient cash on me. when i asked if i could use nets, the guy told me i had to spend at least 5 dollars, which i clearly knew already, and i was trying so hard to cover up my shock at my empty wallet, i just acted cute and scrunched up my face, like, "huh... really ar... sad." like the issue was having to spend 5 dollars before i can use nets, and not that i was caught without cash on me. wahaha. thank goodness the cashier was a male... if it was a female, i'd just look totally dumb. haha.

spent half of my time online tonight searching for the opening hours of HMV heeren, and nothing, NOTHING! could be found... only that the heeren opens from 10am to 10pm daily... let's hope the shops open at 10am too... i took down their number too, tho' and can call to check, provided i'll be out til then.

anyway, my handphone's pretty much wasted now, coz aida's phone's flat, and i lent her my battery. gotta get it back from her later. please remind me.

oh my. i just realised what i said. lol. remind me *triple-zee* bleargh >_< my brains are being eaten up... have to go for pract this evening some more. which essentially means i won't get to play, AGAIN. and when was the last time i got to play? trying to think back now... that was when i got to take daddy's ride to work... which was... friday night? wow! can't be that long, right? right... that night, i levelled up, so it must have been saturday or sunday night that i played for the 30% on my level 39. anyway, i'm sure i blogged about it.

it's sucky, how once the idea of a break-up occurs, it gets so roote in your brain, one of you must do something to eradicate the idea, or it will really really occur. i feel like looking for kor to talk about this. to tell him just how i feel, coz i'm sure if i tell kel about it, he'll just be pissed, and if he just randomly finds a job, which he won't stay in, it's just going to repeat itself again and again... and it'll just end up being a waste of his time... but i don't want to be another person who's going to dump a rock in his well, and make it deeper.

it's just like the song goes, "now, i could never change you -- i don't want to blame you..." it's a confusing feeling... what i said didn't come out too accurately about how i felt anyway, it's just soooooo difficult to express what i'm thinking at the moment... haiz.

sian. this whole affair is making me tired. drained. and it's like plagueing me. i realise i can't seem to get out of this loop... it's a recurrent complaint that seems to have taken permanent residence in my blog.

2006-04-12T03:54:00.000+08:00

sometimes love just ain't enough

now, i don't want to lose you
but i don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
and i don't want to hate you,
i don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.

and that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
but like a fool i keep losing my place
and i keep seeing you walk through that door.

but there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
there's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

now, i could never change you
i don't want to blame you.
baby, you don't have to take the fall.
yes, i may have hurt you, but i did not desert you.
maybe i just want to have it all.

it makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
and like a fool who will never see the truth,
i keep thinking something's gonna change.

but there's danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
there's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

and there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
are there things that you wanted to say?
and do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where i used to lay?

and there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
there's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.

2006-04-11T03:27:00.000+08:00

out of fun
teehee.

Your Inner Blood Type is Type B

You follow your own rules in life, even if you change the rules every day.
Sure, you tend to be off the wall and unpredictable, but that's what makes you lovable.
And even though you're a wild child, you have the tools to be a great success.
You are able to concentrate intently - and make the impossible possible.

You are most compatible with: B and AB

Famous Type B's: Leonardo Di Caprio

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.

Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.

You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!

People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

and last but not least, recent results from the color quiz.
it's pretty cool the way it applies to your changing life...

Your Existing Situation

Readily participates in things affording excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.

Your Stress Sources

Unfulfilled hopes have lead to uncertainty and a tense watchfulness. Insists on freedom of action and resents any form of control other than which is self-imposed. Unwilling to go without or to relinquish anything and demands security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position or prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to exaggerate her claims and to refuse reasonable compromises.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but restless and inclined to be emotionally withdrawn, which prevents her from becoming deeply involved.

Your Desired Objective

Feels the existing circumstances are hostile and is exhausted by conflict and quarreling. Wishes to protect herself and hides her intentions to avoid exposing them to attack, so that they will be safer and easier to achieve. Careful to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger her plans.

Your Actual Problem

Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She tries to escape from this by withdrawing and protecting herself with an attitude of cautious reserve. Moody and depressed.

Your Actual Problem #2

Fears that her independence will be threatened or severely restricted unless she protects herself from outside influence. Does not want to be bothered.

2006-04-11T01:15:00.000+08:00

how far am i willing to go?

i was informed today that i would be needed for mini soundwaves performance on 16th and 23rd april. and you know what? since the roster would be generated for the 23rd only on the 15th, and i can't change my shift on the 16th, i really really thought i have to forgo BOTH performances.

which sucks.

nothing can explain the anger i felt just now. just how far are you going to push me? how much of my life am i willing to give up? i swore to pin yan i hated this job more and more everyday. i was willing to work 3pm to 1am and still turn up for work at 7 am the following morning. but, it all depended on the other party, and she wasn't able to help.

i want to perform! i want to perform in this performance. you can't ask me not to!!! this orchestra is something that will stay with me for years more to come, and you are just a job that i'll leave in less than a month's time.

so i decided that i would fight to perform on the 23rd. i have to, or else i'll be letting myself down. i wanted to file a request, but i think it would be rather futile. so i'm going to throw an MC. as how kel told me to. he makes sense. it's the only surefire way to get my way.

(on a side-note: that also means that i have to attend practice on wednesday before my graveyard shift, ie. i won't get to play WoW *sobz* but, i'll get to meet all my friends whom i haven't seen in such a long time i miss them millions.)

it feels good, to finally be fighting for what you want.

this job really taught me this. if you want something, fight for it. even if you have to offend people. it all depends on how much it is worth to you relative to all that stands in your way. if you are not willing to fight all the way, then it just does not matter as much.

it can make you seem defiant and selfish in the face of others, but that's another one of those naggy obstacles to overcome, and i guess in certain situations, you have to put that behind you.

i don't want to be a push-over. i want to fight for what i want.

you can make me drop some of the things for you, but remember, it all stacks up, and one day, i will find i'm giving up so many things for you, that i will become selfish, and want for myself too. one day, you will find me empty, and you will know you have hit my limit.

i will NOT be a push-over.

2006-04-10T05:19:00.000+08:00

hungry~

the internet in my office is back!!!

and it was announced triumphantly/happily/loudly by my dearest manager of all times, norman!!! haha.

it's bad... i'm developing bad work habits. like surfing the net while at work. or calling kel. haha. but well, other seniors do the same thing. so i'm not really gonna care much, except not to do it so often. and anyway, it's not like i get to work midnight every week.

speaking of which, i'll get an extra $96 (subject to CPF deductions) on my paycheck at the end of april (ie, 7th may, one day after i leave) because i worked 2x 6 nights of graveyard shifts. haha. i guess the extra money, coupled with the fact that it's a nice shift to work could ease up my frustrations with this shift's lack of life.

had very funny moods today. felt very down just now, coz thinking of unhappy stuff, which of course has to do with him. what can i say? i doubt he feels it, but there's a rift coming between us, especially in the way we think. and if this goes on, i don't dare think what will happen. and it's such an irony that he always says that people will change after they hit university. actually, i did not change my thinking, i just grew up and saw the more important hings in life. and despair at your lack of fighting spirit.

i wish i could help you.

but let's not think unhappy things now. save it for a time when i'm down again, then i can blog all i want about it.

hm... just recalled, i haven't keyed in the 3 A4 pages of writing i made some time back! haha.

hope lynn brings advent children with her today. haha, one day after she gets her confirmation, and already i'm dragging her off to the gift shop to sign a cake for me. teehee.

my warlock is 30% into her 39th level... 70% more to a mount!!! but i won't get to play all the way til weds evening *cries* coz tonight going out, tomorrow night maintenance (maybe i can get to play an hour before main)... which leaves, weds! and you know what? don't even get to play much on thurs, which is my off day, coz i end work only in the morning, and like, duh, i'd need to sleep, right? only thing i'm certain of. i WILL get my mount by thurs, by hook, or by crook *determined* sounds pretty weak actually, 4 days to get 70%?! like wtf?! i calculated. if i took 6 months to lv one character to lv 60, i essentially took 3 days to gain one level. which includes noob levels like level 1/2/3/4/5/6/... haiz.

so sad right?

hope i'll get to play more when i leave this job. but knowing the kind of person i am,i can't stand just sitting in front of the comp and play the whole day. i'll end up wasting my time flying here and running there.

think i got no motivation to grind after i hit lv 40. might as well, if still applicable, i'll learn tailoring and bring kor's new hunter to RFC. wee! set imp on aggressive and fire away. haha.

oops, think they resistant to fire? hm... we'll see.

wanna play wanna play wanna play wanna play wanna play wanna play.

bleargh >_<

it's 0555hrs now. in about 2 hours i can go home. these few days, i've been going home late, coz i stayed back to pei lynn they all. so nice right? haha. it's just like back to the oac days, when i'd feel guilty when i had to leave early, coz everyone's just so willing to stay longer.

hm... hell's going to let loose soon, at 0600hrs, coz got sooooo many wake-up calls.

*prays fervently calls won't bounce*

kay, then i guess, i'll sign out le. spend the rest of the time sweeping mines? or maybe i'll be back.

2006-04-08T04:20:00.000+08:00

night solo

nope, not as in the fun kind of night solo you get on ubin... yes, as in the kind of night solo you do when you're on duty alone in a hotel as a telephone operator >_< which is why i'm like, blogging now. haha.

good for me! my first night solo, and there are relatively few wake up calls... hm... we usually get like, 3.5 pages of calls to monitor, and with especially many at HOT times like... 0600hrs, 0630hrs and 0700hrs. the rest of the times are beyond my duty. BUT! for today, i've got a grand total of *whips velvet off table* TWO pages!!! more like 1.5 pages, considering half of the space is taken up by the formatting. woo~

can't believe my luck. haha. how to say, night shift is good, coz you get a lot of peace and quiet. and when you have little to do, it's pretty relaxing. *prays fervently remaining nights would be good too* and wake-up calls can be pretty straightforward if no idiots refuse to pick them up. and while you've gotten all your calls printed out, and waiting for the phones to start ringing in the rooms, you draw lines and make sure all calls are properly recorded, which should be the way if everyone is doing what they're being paid to do.

*nods reverently*

all in all, it's a good shift to do.

discussed with shieh yuan about hostel accomodation. and considering all the costs and everything, we gathered that hostel staying is actually a pretty attractive idea.

spoke to mummy and daddy separately about it, and they seem okay with the idea, so may be giving it a shot when my application goes through. more or less settled on NTU le. when i mentioned i'll be taking engineering, most people told me go NTU coz it has a better school of engineering. and i always wondered why. jianda told me, when we went out for dinner, that NUS's school of engineering is only ONE year old.

O_o boggles o_O

WHAT?!

lol. hard to believe right? plus, MSaE is supposed to be this really really cheena-fied course, at least in NUS, coz most of the students and staff are cheena. AND! a plus point in NTU's favour is that JD said that the staff present at the NTU tea reception for the MSaE school were very "welfare welfare" people, which sounds really good. JD even said that was what got him like, seriously thinking about taking up MSaE. too bad the courses he applied for in NTU were firstly aeronautical engineering, then MSaE.

haiz...

don't really know what more to say liaos. i wrote like, 3 full pages of thoughts 2 nights ago, when i was on the 6pm to 2am shift with geraldine doing late shift. zzz. lol. 5 whole hours of silence... near silence anyway.

tonight was better. we didn't speak, as per normal. BUT! i asked questions that didn't irritate her. i wonder why she's always so irritated with me. just like the last time i did graveyard shift, norman came in and asked how it went, and i said, i liked it, coz it was a comfortable shift. and you what she told me? never, EVER, say a shift is comfortable. with the way she would take off her specs, and look at you with that crooked smirk. i mean, seriously! what's wrong with saying you're comfortable with a shift? if your boss asks, you'd want to give an honest answer, right? if you think that by saying i'm feeling comfortable, i make you feel weak, or look weak in front of the boss, then i guess, i'm sorry, you ARE weak. haiz, this is the one thing that i've been keeping with me for the longest time, with nowhere to complain. i just hope she knows little enough about the internet to access this site.

and you know what, it's really sweet. when i opened up my F10 (that's my notepad in the hotel's system),i found this message inside:

"Never log out ahhh!!!hahahaha...see,now i am writing rubbish in your F10...muahahahhaa.....ok see ya!"

signed *anonymous*

(i've actually a good idea in mind who did this.)

haha, feels good to know people here actually play pranks like this. friendliness? haha, if i'd typed in what i wrote earlier on, you'd realise i don't expect to make any friends that would last out of work. but it's still nice to know people are actually being nice to you, and you've tried, and will try to be nice to them; at least while you're at work, you'll have people who will really smile, and joke with you. i guess most of them do, those around my age at least, who are not so jaded by this rather sucky environment.

peace.

2006-04-02T20:44:00.000+08:00

bored

i am supposed to be working, not blogging.

i am supposed to be working, not doodling.

i am supposed to be working, not thinking about my off's and all.

haiz.

sometimes, i think a busy day would be so much better than a boring one. [/touch wood] never the less, i dread a situation where the phone calls are coming in non-stop and i have no time to walkie anyone or to write down messages properly. LOL. i'm a picky person, ain't i?

i'm getting bad.

i'm squirming to free up one night, for myself. coz i just want to. i miss the kind of feeling of just comfort and warmth from just snuggling close. maybe it's coz the office is exceptionally cold tonight.

i haven't been feeling very reassured these days, that he is taking good care of himself, and his life. it's back to the same point, you see? haiz, i've got to break out of this cycle.

and the only times when it seems i'm not half bothered by it, is when i'm warm and snuggly.

this is bad...

2006-04-01T22:13:00.000+08:00

what the hell i'm doing with my life, i have totally no idea...

i took a job, which i hoped would pay for my driving lessons comfortably. but it doesn't, just only barely.

the job i took is a mundane job.

and at moments like this, it can be sooooo boring. other than that, the people that i sometimes have to work with will take all the remaining energy i have out of me.

like her, for example, whom i'm working with tonight. when she first found out i swapped shifts with jason, she said, "oh, so i'm working with you on saturday." in that tone of hers that said ohmygod... ooooooooooooooohmygod. just my luck..

i don't know why i dread meeting her so much. it's almost like she's deliberately trying not to respond to me. i know we have nothing in common to chat about, but when i come in and you passover, you could pass over to both pple taking over, instead of just to the person that is not angela. maybe i'm being too sensitive. but can't you even just say hi, when i come in and say hello?

sure, we do talk, but not like talk, you get me? it's just like, all work related, and it's not even talking any more than it is telling, for like information's sake.

sadded :'(

i wish i could get along with her. i so so wish.

at least my life won't be so miserable. i try, you know, to not be formal, but casual's so awkward, when she doesn't respond. i try to strike up conversation, but it just dies on me. it takes 2 hands to clap, you can't say my social skills suck if i can get along with all BUT you, right?

but anyway, back on track. another reason why this job sucks is because the hours are totally unsuitable for a frolicky young girl like me. i've got ZERO life as of now. i don't get to go to PA 2 practices out of 3. i don't have time to game. i don't have time to go for class gatherings, i don't have time to go out.

i just don't have time.

i don't know how people manage to sustain a life AND this job.

so i'm glad my term is ending. this is terrible. how can anyone ever be happy working in a job they're dying to quit? in fact, the only thing that's keeping me in this job is my contract, which i'm certain i cna't breach. i haven't checked with human resource, but that will only weaken my will to stick it out til at least the 6th may.

darn, just found out vesak day is on the 12th may.

which essentially means my last day will be on... 4th may, instead of 3rd, as i had hoped [clear public hols leave on 6th and 5th, coz i don't think they'll give me my off day that week, could try tho'].

dunno. such mixed feelings. they asked if i'd miss them when i leave. probably LV and lynn, for a while. but then, i'll think, their life goes on without me, and mine without them. my term as an operator for 3 months would not have made a difference to them, and operations will continue with or without me. and in thinking so, i will cease to miss them, because i know i don't feel anything for this job, and the people around.

she has just walked into the office.

my assistant front office manager just attened his last day at work yesterday... and i knew nothing about it at all. my telephone manager wil be leaving, 2 GSAs are leaving, aida and lv wanna leave too, people from concierge, executive floor and business centre are all leaving too... soon it'll be my turn. but operation will go on, conrad will remain as a 5 star luxury hotel.

oh, what a weird world this is.

2006-04-01T20:10:00.000+08:00

what is your life path?

look at this look at this!!!

*excited*

saw the quiz on sy's site that doesn't require to answer anything but to plug in values for your birthday, and VOILA!

Your Life Path Number is 6

Your purpose in life is to help others

You are very compassionate, and you offer comfort to those around you.
It pains you to see other people hurting, and you do all in your power to help them.
You take on responsibility, and don't mind personal sacrifice. You are the ultimate giver.

In love, you offer warmth and protection to your partner.

You often give too much of yourself, and you rarely put your own needs first.
Emotions tend to rule your decisions too much, especially when it comes to love.
And while taking care of people is great, make sure to give them room to grow on their own.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

sounds like me, hopefully. haha. i do relate to it personally.

2006-03-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

i'm BACK

but of course, that's only for me to know, until probably a long time later when i feel like i don't want to keep this blog private anymore, or until somebody comes back for nostalgia's sake and stumbles upon this site.

i'm feeling the whole weight of the situation on my shoulders now... this is about the 2nd time it has ever bugged me so much. the first time, i was on ubin, on a recce trip for orientation hike 2005. i was so miserable, i sat by the metal fencing of tian chi and cried... and angell came over and asked if i was okay. don't think she heard me, but it was really nice of her...

it was resolved the very next morning.

this time around, i don't know yet when it'll be okay. like duh. i've never once looked forward to having it so much before, i guess...

===========

back from a 90 min break, and it's resolved. phew. paranoia will kill me one day.

this was precisely why mum had been so angry when i told her time and again that i'll be popping by kel's place... she thinks i'm creating chances. but well, there is always a lot more dust behind the curtains than the audience sees. and such a surprise it should be that my colleagues are the first ones to catch sight of it.

had this huge tiff with mum this morning... not really a tiff, i was only on the receiving end of the entire business. she said... hurtful things. but truths they were. about how it shouldn't be that he's ome the whole time and i'm the one making the move all the time... physically. or why that is even. and about how men should always seek improvement.

and the sad thing about the matter is, i'm fully aware of all she's telling me. for a few months, i can tell you, i've been getting these really really down bouts about the very same matters. and each time, i tell myself to trust that he knows what he's doing, what he wants to do, and what he has to do. and with each time, it just gets worse... today was especially bad. since mum put him down, and i can't really put up a good defense for him in any way. simply because i myself am feeling so shaky about the whole matter le.

she said, "he'd better do something about himself. prove himself. or one day, we will stand out and put it straight once and for all."

went downstairs a bit later to meet up with kor... the moment i told him it was about him, and how my parents were unhappy, he said, "well, he's a great pal and all, but he lacks something for to be a person's boyfriend." he apparently felt the same way about kel le, just that he kept quiet coz "even his girlfriend is not saying anything". but of course, he has his pride and ego, and his opinions, and others'. chatted a bit about kor's own problems... feels good to be able to do that... somehow, i was prolly scared i'd be chided by kor or smth. i could just so imagine him saying, "you're not him, there is more to that that you just haven't experienced." but he agreed with me. even though we both felt that it was also probably the case that he was hiding from something, or had some kind of problems which he himself might not know.

i mean, i feel bad talking about him without his knowledge, with kor. i didn't let him know i spoke or even met kor this afternoon. very bad right? i didn't even let him know the full content of what mummy said to me, just that i got Pbanned from his place.

But the talk with kor stirred up many thots i haven't been able to voice or write or even think about, sometimes. i told kor, recently, i'm getting better at throwing my temper, or showing my unhappiness, when i feel like i'm misjudged. and kor said, "if it goes on this way you won't last another half a year." i shushed him up immediately. it's not something i want to think about, anytime, at all. even though sometimes i wonder if he goes on like this, is he wasting his time or mine? but there are so so many concerns... so so many complications, so so... haiz.

i feel so tired suddenly. am i too easily tangled or lost in my feelings?

both daddy and mummy think i'm too emotional a person to be able to handle any relationships at this age and maturity and stage... *sigh*

who knows.

but i do have some petty little comlaints to make about him. he's a wonderful person and all, but i guess these are just some small things that every girl would love.

i wish he would plan a date, instead of leaving things up to the last moment to decide.
i wish he would make the effort to come to me, instead of me to him. in the sense not just physically, but to suggest meeting up, going out. instead of just, why don't you come over? he thinks i keep bugging him to meet up, go out. i'm making the effort, why don't you show me some?
i wish his idea of a day weren't tv, game, tv, game, game, sleep.

i miss you so much. why don't you just come back? where have you gone? still unable to get over it? or is there something bugging you? i want you back, you who will fight for what you want, who are cheery, who are able to provide me lots of interesting bits of everything. who doesn't share me with one single thing.

it's really weird. if he were to watch tv and talk to me one day, then play game and talk to me another, then read and talk to me another, then do something and talk to me another, i wouldn't feel so bad...

but now, it seems it's just game and darling. and the fact that all time spent with darling is simultaneously spent with game, and all time not spent with darling is also spent with game. it's like he's having a mistress. no. it's like I'M the mistress. so now, he spends time gith game also with TV. and time with darling is also with BOTH TV and game. sounds like a happy family, doesn't it?

i wish i would snap out of this soon. to stop seeing the bad, and see the good...

i wish you would do something to snap me out of this.

i love you.

2005-11-14T19:10:00.000+08:00

i am evil

it's true. i don't know what prompted me to type this, but i'm seriously seriously wondering if everyone else finds the papers hard, or easy. and i'm growing more relieved with every "hard" i hear.

this is terrible >_< math paper 2 was tougher than usual, chem paper 3 was a killer. now, even physics paper 2 was tough. and GP was just plain weird. i think we hit a suay year. haiz. or maybe these are just my pathetic excuses for realising a levels are not as easy as i've expected. hm.

BUT! i've only got three more papers to go, before i'm free.

a list of stuff i'll be doing:

- bleaching my hair (streaks)
- going back for practice
- watching GoF
- planning for tokito
- going to genting
- going for class chalet
- going for prom
- going for EoY event
- going for pa camp

and lots of other "want-to-do's" that i'll be doing, all in platinum streaked black hair. wahahaha!!! of course, i'd be looking for a job too, preferably in sales, so any lobangs, please let me know. haha.

speaking of which, i received a funny missed call today. when i called back, it was machine-answered and it said, "thank you for responding to 'blah-blah' newspaper advertisement for a job as a financial planner..." like O_o what the hell's going on here? FINANCIAL PLANNER. i'll be a planner for you. the kind that has boxes you can write on.

hm... can't wait for my exams to be over.

my tooth is still hurting like mad every few hours...

2005-11-09T12:32:00.000+08:00

the dreadful a's

no, i do not mean the results. yes, i do mean the exams.

"the a's have been like a roller coaster ride for me", said angela. "just 20 hours ago, i stepped out of the exam hall and thought, 'hey, maybe there's hope for an a on my maths.' and 20 mins ago, i'm saying, 'please, oh please, let there be moderation for chemistry.'"

angela hopes that she is not alone.

further research has shown that hwa chong junior college, the pre-university institute in which angela is currently enrolled, has amazing achievements in the academic arena. they have produced results showing that approximately two thirds of the examined cohort achieve a minimum of 3 disinctions in the a level examinations each year.

"having 3 a's is the norm in school, i guess," said a depressed angela. "the teachers are contradicting themselves -- on one hand, the chemistry unit tells you that you are indeed above the national average, on the other, the physics unit tells you that any slip, and you're not going to do well. you want to believe the chem teachers, but your results in hwa chong just deny you the luxury."

"i guess the only thing you can do is to chiong chiong and chiong some more. you don't know how you're going to do until your results come out in march next year."

she has also mentioned a curious question: when the students of the past batches stepped out of the exam halls, did they feel like they were going to do well, or wer they just on a roller coaster ride too?

(please forward your comments to "tagboard: leaning notes." @ third leaf on the left)

2005-11-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

guilt?

crap. i've been reading manga scans these few dyas. and playing my piano. and listening to jay chou. i haven't been as focussed, in other words. i'm feeling a kind of confidence in myself i never felt before, yet, i feel that this confidence is a false sense of security.

f*ck.

it's either i'm sub-consciously trying to stop myself from doing work, or i'm really dry of work to do. of which the latter is not really possible. maybe it's sub-conscious -- i don't do more questions because i fear i might come across more questionsi can't do, and destroy whatever little confidence i have. maybe it's coz i'm getting lazy. what if it's the latter?

i'm pretty scared now, and i just had a really really short chat with darryl that didn't help at all. thanks man, you were great. i'll reccommend all the straight a students to have a talk with you before their a's. then maybe i'll come out tops. i don't even know why i'm so pissed. maybe it's coz you hit a tender spot, by stating what i feared the most (?). but i guess i just didn't need that. i'm sorry i'm taking this out on you in my blog, but it's the most immediate tool i have.

perhaps i don't have the right to feel angry. it's likely, after all, that what i've done is not enough, in absolute terms. it might seem enough to me, because i haven't done half as much work in my life for any exams. so you might say, "no wonder you don't score."

maybe i'm just a typical leo. "a leo does not like his/her efforts go unnoticed." or maybe these are all just excuses, becaue what's an effort to me is not an effort to anyone at all.

maybe i'm just a lousy person.

blah.

my exams are coming up in 2 days, and here i am, blogging away. guess that says only so much about me, right? *dejected* i don't know what i'm going to do if i don't do well for my a's.

had intended to go read some manga scans to loosen up. but i'm all out of the mood now. going back to mug.

zZz.

2005-11-02T19:46:00.000+08:00

lyrics

no, i'm not posting them... sad, right? somehow, my skin can't support chinese text. weird. so i'm going to post a link here... anyone interested in jay chou's songs' beautiful/inspiring lyrics, please click the link below. it's a site from mp3.baidu.com. yups.

click here -> gimme those lyrics!!! <- click here

yups, happy reading!!!

anyway, "ni4 lin2" is an awesome song.

2005-11-01T22:17:00.000+08:00

jay chou rocks!!!

it's super-duper fangirl gushing time!!!

i'm so super happy, coz i got jay chou's album today! and guess what, it includes the mv's and a calendar (guilty: dearie told me he wanted the calendar the moment i told him there was a calendar given. but i wanted the calendar so much, so...) that is in fact picture cards of jay chou. his image is so super different from "qi li xiang" lar... he's like the soft romantic... and the talented musician who's quiet most of the time... even the songs are softer in this album.

even his raps have a singsong quality to it, and i mean it in a nice way. there's music to it. i mean, it's still basically rap, but it's not like "ren zhe" that kind. more along the lines of "zhi zhan zhi shang" that kind, but it's not so harsh. how to say lei? must must go listen.

til now, i'm pretty much stuck on a few favourites, tho' i seriously think the whole album is very nice, but i think i'll need time to familiarize myself with the entire album. i'll be listening to this playlist for a long long time...

the tops:
1.)"ye4 qu3" - nocturne
2.)"si4 mian4 chu3 ge1"
3.)"ni4 lin2" / "fa4 ru2 xue3"
4.)"shan1 hu2 hai3" - coral sea

i'm rather stuck on these few songs... but because it's such a hassle to type chinese on a com that doesn't have a chinese-typing program, except for the onebuilt in in windows, i'll refer to them by hanyu pinyin... let me give a short comment on each ba, depending on my personal opinion. this is by no means a review, and i don't mean it to be so either, but just a way to express my opinions on the songs... hee~

*ye4 ge2*

this song is, as expected, the number 1 hit in this album. it's artistic - the lyrics are beautiful, the music is awesome. i think the song is about his dead lover... and he's such a dedicated lover... it paints a beautiful picture -- a lone figure sitting in the middle of a cemetry with overgrown weeds at a black grand piano. he is playing chopin's nocturnes to his lover, whose grave is somewhere nearby. maybe there's a bouquet of white roses lying on the piano, but the roses are starting to wither and shrivel. and he just keeps playing, a look of stoic grief on his face, preferring to express his lost love thru his music than words. maybe it's just the way he is, that he doesn't have a way with words, despite being so dedicated and talented. who knows, maybe he has so much love unexpressed for his deceased lover.

it paints such vivid picture, and tho' the lyrics look odd upon first reading, they go so well with the music you just don't feel they're weird anymore. even the part about the flesh-eating ants attracted by rotting flesh sound artistic. god only knows. it's a song that one simply must listen to, with an appreciation for the lyrics. so pretty.

*si4 mian4 chu3 ge1*

this song is about the paparazzi. about his critics and about how he hates constantly being hounded by the media for gossip, and how he feels it's extremely distasteful that the reporters actually harrass his family. by the way, he refers to them as dogs.

in a rough translation, he described a scene where he was walking home, then he suddenly saw a whole bunch of dogs rushing towards him, and he wondered when he had kept so many dogs... whahaha. of course, these dogs referred to the paparazzi. then he went on about how he didn't like it that the reporters would just hound him and his family for gossip. and the way his critics try to shoot him down. but he also said that when he's at the top, nothing they do can topple him. he said smth extremely cute:

even if you can't defeat me, you can still be my dogs.

woots~ super attitude. there are loads of other things he said that really made this song great.

as you can guess, he wrote the lyrics himself. and the song has a very simple chorus comprising largely of "la-la-la's" so it's very catchy. which makes it such a nice song. the sheer attitude of it will also make you want jay chou more. ms said she wanted to marry jay chou. i'm sure many girls want that too.

*ni4 lin2* / *fa4 ru2 xue3*

these 2 songs just appeal to me. i don't have my lyric booklet with me at the moment, so i can't really make out very well what they are about. but they both have very nice music.

the first is a fast song. rappy. nice rhythm. one of the 2 or 3 true rappy songs in this album, tho' like i mentioned, even the rappy songs are wuite melodious. only he can do this. melodious raps. what an oxymoron.

the second is a slow song. his vocals are really well exercised in this song. his falsetto is awesome, tho his voice sounds a little pinched, it's still a range which many guys cannot hope to reach. it sounds good! that's the main point, coz even tho' it's a strain on his vocals (i hope it is, or i suspect he's a castrati *shudders*) he can make it sound great. nice song.

*shan1 hu2 hai3* - coral sea

nice tune. but the lyrics are rather simple. and the female singer (yes it's a duet) has a voice that doesn't compliment his. but ah well, it's got a nice tune and nice enough lyrics, tho' it's a typical love song - no, not in the sense of normal lovey dovey duets, this song is one of a break-up that occurred because neither loved each other anymore. rather sad.

the rest of the songs are all very nice too, but like i said, i haven't had the time today to listen to each in detail -- i'm easily mesmerised by my favourites and find myself going back to them time and again... hmm... maybe one day i'llr ealised that i've listed every one of the songs in this album under "tops".

but of course, that'll only be coz his album is so superb.

jay chou rocks!

2005-10-30T15:53:00.000+08:00

disgusted

i just came back from northpoint, to buy some stationery. on the way back, i came across two very very disgusting people that just ruined my day.

one was the bus driver. the other was some old lady. please do not tell me that i should respect her just because she is a senior. she is totally unworthy of any courtesy from me. and if her family were anything like her. i condemn them. and the bus-driver's family too.

what happened was that this beggar-woman with long greasy hair tied up in a pony tail, dressed in a dirty white t-shirt and pink bermudas wanted to board the bus. but she had no money. then the bus-driver raised his voice at her in chinese "you are very smelly. get off my bus. don't make my bus smelly."

so of course the woman pleaded with him and said also in chinese "uncle, let me take the bus ba... please please." but she had no money...

the driver replied harshly, "no money cannot take bus. get off my bus. take the next one. or go and askt he office see if you can take a bus without paying."

then i offered to pay for the woman, coz she was holding the bus up, then i asked the uncle, "how much is her fare?" twice. but the uncle ignored me. THEN the old lady sitting nearby spoke up, "girl, no need to pay for her. you pay for her once, she'll keep wanting to take free rides."

the uncle spoke again, "no money, cannot take bus."

the beggar-woman finally said, "okay, i'll pay, but i have no money." and turning to the old lady, she asked if she could have 90 cents to take the bus.

the auntie said, "no. i have no change."

so i offered stood up again and wanted to go up and pay for her anyway, but the uncle just shouted at the beggar-woman again and said, "you are very smelly. get off my bus. get off get off. go and ask the office whether no money can take bus or not. get off get off."

and the woman was driven off, before i could get down to paying for her.

then after the bus drove off (and the woman was looking resolutely at the bus driver from the curb the whole time) the old auntie said, " aiyah, this kind of person no need pay for her. no need to be kind. if it were a senior citizen, ah, then of course is a different case." on that, i turned and stared at the woman. like, what the hell??! but of course, her back was facing me, so i was just pissed... "she is still so young," the auntie continued, "not like some old person or something."

the bus driver said, "no, giving her a free ride is not the matter. the thing is, she's got some mental problem. she is very smelly, like shit on herself never bather. very smelly very smelly. yesterday, i gave her a ride, but she stank up the back of my bus. i'm very scared later no one want to take my bus. she is so smelly."

the auntie just said, "yeah lor, what's more, she's so young, not like, she's some old person." then soon, she alighted.

when it was my turn to alight, i wanted to tell the uncle, "it's not that she isn't paying for her ride, i offered. but you drove her off anyway. can't you see she's so poor? or maybe she's just mentally disabled, but do you think it'll be easier for her to get a wash or to get your bus a wash? the bus isn't even yours. the company cleans it every night whether or not it stinks."

but the words died at my mouth. so i just glared at the uncle and strode off the bus. i don't even know if the uncle saw me, coz he was wearing this pair of reflective sunglasses the whole time.

and why the words died at my mouth was because i realised that i had no right to say anything to the uncle, because i hesitated when i offerd to pay for the beggar-woman. if i had gone up and paid anyway, that would have shut the both of them up, without having to say a thing. it would be extemely hypocritical of me to say anything.

but i didn't.

so i can only fume inside, and feel lousy about myself.

but the moral of the story is, not all elders deserve respect. there are so many people out there who think that just because they're older, and they've seen more of the world than we have, that they can view others as inferiors. that others are not deserving of aid. that ony the OLD PEOPLE deserve such special attention. i'm sorry, if you've been viewing the world like its yours through that tiny narrow hole that is your well, then i can only pity you and think that you do not deserve my respect at all, for you have nothing worth my attention in the first place. and if you do catch my attention, it would be disgust and spite.

the selfishness of it all. was she really so naive to think that if it had been a smelly old beggar-woman instead, the uncle would have let her board?

and if the free-loader had been better-dressed, if she had asked, i bet the uncle would've let her board without minding that she was not paying OR that she stank like hell.

and the thing was, that woman didn't even stink. i was in close proximity to her, but i couldn't smell a thing. it's true. and to think the uncle could shout in her face, "you are very smelly." even if she was, that was such an ugly and uncivilised thing to say. he might as well as have cursed her, and it would still sound better.

it is because of such ungracious people that singapore is deemed as an ungracious society by many. it's the ugly side of humanity that plague the cities and the apathy of the rest of the people that let the ungraciousness spread unhindered.

i am not spared from being a part of the apathetic crowd. but i feel ashamed of it at times. do you?

2005-10-29T22:49:00.000+08:00

*post title*

finished my work early today, yay!!! scrap what i said last hight, i won't be hong wang... i'll be... TOKITO! lol... kelvin asked if i could muster up the sinister-ness... dunno lei, i'll jiayou!!1 prepare to be the targets of engela-evil-glares-and-smiles. he has gold eyes... gold hair... it's blondeness again!!! haiz. but think will need to spend a bit of money ont his costume... better start saving up... hm... the gold contacts will be the killer... damn. i thought he first pair of tintes contacts i'd get would be green or red. hm...

i can't find many pics of tokito online!!! help!!! hm... i only know, black/white/blue... that's the colour combi of his costume... maybe i can go ask chevie ^_^ haha.

anyway, i'm very happy, coz i finished my work early today, but i blasted my extra time by surfing online, instead of doing the work i didn't do the previous few days. this is so super sinful. haiz...

and the stuff i did?

i went to play with name generators... here are some stuff:

浜野 Hamano (seaside field) 三千代 Michiyo (three thousand generations) <----- the first time i played with the japanese one (using angela), it gave me this... so i tried "wanching...

猿渡 Saruwatari (monkey on a crossing bridge) 三千代 Michiyo (three thousand generations)<----- like wtf, huh?!!! and they said you can share your delightful new name...

then i tried a kitty name, again with "angela" first then "wanching"

Samantha Merryweather <----- sweatdrop... that's like, a super mary sue name. samantha merryweather... sounds spoilt.

Samantha DaVinci <----- samantha again. hm... can they like tell wanching and angela are the same person? weird.

so i tried an age-o-meter to get my mind off the silly names... i keyed in... 18, and it said,

You are getting old.

so i stopped playing *weeps*

anyway, still hunting for tokito pictures. hm... nothing much to blog about, so i guess that'll be it for now ^_^

2005-10-28T23:47:00.000+08:00

super long

lol, i cut this off sy's blog... haha... sorry for not informing you first, sy, but i thot it's more a case of spontaneity. i know you bother to read, haha, so happy reading ^_^

1. ARE YOU OVER 18? yes, no, just about so. i'm 18.

2. WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE? haha, boo. it's a paranormal picture of myself. boo *ghostly*

3. DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT? nope. i had a weird dream in the little sleep i got.

4a. FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING WHEN YOU WOKE UP? how long more can i afford to snooze?

4b. FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT YESTERDAY MORNING WHEN YOU WOKE UP? same as before.

5. WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY ON YOUR TABLE? my desk... let me see, i might find treasure under THIS pile of notes. or maybe THAT.

6. GRILLED OR FRIED? grilled.

7. WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE? everything thats in me, on me and of me.

8. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? nope. i'm a fan of guiness.

9. FAVORITE HANGOUT? for now, my bed. any nice bed that i can eat, sleep, study, read on. else, PA, kel's place, oac bench. i don't hang much.

10. 3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? a comforter, writing materials, clothes.

11. FIRST THING YOU WILL BUY IF GIVEN 1 THOUSAND DOLLARS? for now, ff7 piano collection scores and cds.

12. FAVORITE SONG WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPY? doesn't matter. any song works, but smth soft would be nice, like tifa's theme...

13. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? tickles. beetles. maybe some pickles (<- nonsense, just added to rhyme)

14. ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER? taker ba.

15. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? you don't want to know.

16. WHAT IS YOUR DAD'S MIDDLE NAME? nope, no middle name.

17. MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED? the myth.

18. STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD HAVE ONLY ONE KIND OF FOOD FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? eggs. soft-boiled, please. or omelette-fied.

19. FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL? the LG fridge one with the jumping human-vegs.

20. FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE? myself. then my brinjal soft-toy.

21. YOUR EYE COLOR? black

22. WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS BRING? my mp3 player.

23. WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? lawyer. always a lawyer. i was very very inspired by huang biren in fa3 ting2 gu4 shi4, her line, "wo3 neng2 ba3 hei1 de4, shuo1 cheng2 bai2 de4."

24. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS 7 AM? curse at the school bell downstairs. or am too deep asleep to have any idea.

25. THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEET? pink, with lime green quilt covers.

26. WHO DO YOU WANT TO MEET? my daughter. to see if i should marry and give birth.

27. HOW'S LIFE TODAY? the same as if you asked me the question yesterday. or the day before.

~~~

1. Whose picture is it that you keep on your wallet? kelvin's. and a neoprint with shieh yuan.

2. What time do you go to bed? it is the time you wake up that matter, not when you turn in.

3. What was the last thing you did before filling this survey? talk on the phone with a moody kelvin... >_<

4. Who's the one you always meet the most? myself, in the mirror. my family. then shieh yuan, or kelvin.

5. Who's the person you're gonna call if you need help? depending on what help. probably kelvin.

6. What's on your mind right now? some question i'll come across later.

8. With whom do you wanna be to have fun? i can have fun with anyone if i wanna have fun ^_^ but i'd share my fun with the pple closest to me.

9. What movie do you wanna watch now? goblet of fire.

10. When was the last time you went out? this morning. to school.

11. What do you hate the most for now? inefficiency.

12. When was the first time you slept alone? can't remember...

13. What do you want to do for now? sleep.

14. What do you do everyday besides eat and sleep? study. do crosswords. count sheep. listen to fighting and wish i could play it.

15. Favourite pet? cats. and hamsters... eer. weird combination.

17. Colours that make you happy? white, pink, pale yellow.

19. What was the last thing you bought for your room? for my room? a large poster of jay chou that came free when i pre-ordered his new album ^_^

21. Do you cook? no unless necessary.

22. Miss someone? yes.

23. Plan to buy something? not at the moment.

24. Are you satisfied with your life now? i'd be satisfied the moment a's end ^_^

25. Do you like seafood? totally.

26. Breakfast or dinner? dinner.

27. What do you usually eat for breakfast? i don't eat breaskfast nowadays. mostly bread with coffee.

28. Did you eat breakfast today? sort of. instant cereal with 2 pieces of french loaf.

29. Do you recycle? nope.

30. Do you have a laptop? it's not mine. it's my dad's. but i use it more.

31. What's your favorite fast food? fast food is for convenience, not preference >_<

32. Cats or dogs? cats. tall proud sleek white persian cats. or fat hairy (ie. straight long hair) lazy persian cats.

33. Salty or sweet? sweet when i eat salty food. salty when i'm eating sweet foods.

34. City or country? country. farm. ranch. cottage. chimneys.

35. What's your favorite kind of jeans? faded. soft worn jeans. MY jeans.

36. Is kissing normal for your age? i guess so. it'll depend on if dating's normal. anyway, pple don't kiss openly often, so there's no way of finding out. unlike a particular classmate of mine who explicitly asked if i've frenched kissed a guy before. and he didn't say "french kiss". he said "with tongue?" EURGH.

37. Are you athletic? not in the sense of normal sports. haha.

38. Do you swear? used to converse in swearwords. erm. not really. but not that much now.

39. Would you ditch your friends for a date? *guilt stabs* sometimes, i do, i guess...

42. Ever had a crush on a teacher? found some of them cute, but never a crush.

43. Coke or pepsi? pepsi.

44. Sugar or spice? spice.

45. Can you use chopsticks? i guess so... but i can't use them the proper way. but heck, as long as you can deliver to food to your mouth, it's fine, right?

46. Do you like to read for pleasure? definitely.

47. Do you care about getting good grades? pretty much, but i think my standards have dropped.

48. Have you ever fallen asleep in class? always do.

49. Get a job or ask your parents for money? get a job.

50. Is your dad strict? stubborn yes strict no.

51. Do your parents give you enough privacy? yes.

52. Do your parents trust you? yes.

53. Would you trade places (in life) with your best friends..? never.

54. Does your best friend get on your nerves? haha. occasionally ba, but we're rather accustomed to each other's quirks.

55. Do you make friends quickly? depending on the click-factor. then it'll depend on how much we keep in contact.

56. Do you get jealous of your friends? not really.

57. Do you tell your mom everything? no.

58. What do you & your parents fight about the most? grades and relationship.

~~~

1.Name someone with the same birthday as you. Lai Chang Wen. not like you know him. he was a primary school classmate of mine, and i found out about our birthdays when i invited him to a birthday party of mine 3 months in advance. haha. the party never happened, because i forgot all about it.

2.Where was your first kiss? on my cheek ^_^ or on my forehead. or my hands and feet. i was a really loveable baby.

3.Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? can't remember, i was pretty off-track when i was in primary school.

4.Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? definitely. a girl hasn't lived if she hasn't slapped a guy.

5.Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? yes.

6.What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? butt. i mean, eyes and hair and build and complexion. oh. FACE.

7.What really turns you on? a good dialogue. i was told i was like a spoiled radio that can't be turned off ^_^

8.What do you order at Starbucks? ice blended mocha. latte. double expresso.

9.What is your biggest mistake? starting this survey... sleep...

10.Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? yes. when i was young i cut myself with a penknife to figur out if it really hurt as much as it looks. it didn't. it was pretty itchy, but blood was gushing out of my fingers anyway.

11.Say something totally random about yourself. the cardboard in my bedrooom slippers are bunching up and making me uncomfortable. but that doesn't count, i guess.

12.Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? yes. someone told me i looked like ella in s.h.e. and someone else said i looked like some actress in tuo2 qiang2 shi1 jie3 3...

13.Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? depends on how bored i am.

14.Did you have braces? no.

15.Are you comfortable with your height? i guess so.

16.What is the sweetest thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? hm... one of the sweetest gifts i received was a folded heart out of the bus ticket bearing the date we got together, ironed flat straight. haha. i recieved an orange 2-dollar note folded in a heart from the same guy too. that's... kel ^_^

17.When do you know it's love? you don't ^_^ it's a kind of gut feeling that keeps you guessing.

18.Do you speak any other languages? nope. english, mandarin, some hokkien-mixed-with-teochew. and the rest... well, i can mimic the mrt announcement for you...

19.Have you ever been to a tanning salon? i've been trying to get a fairer complexion...

20.What magazines do you read? cleo, time.

29.Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? NO. and hopefully, never.

30.Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? yep ^_^

~~~

1. First Name: Wan Ching
2. Were you named after anyone? herbs yes people no
3. Do you wish on stars? when i saw shooting stars in india.
4. When did you last cry? this afternoon, when i was so stressed out by the drilling noise while i was working.
5. Do you like your handwriting? pretty much
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? fish.
7. What is your birth date? 18 august.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? i like all my cd's. yes, even my n'sync album.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? no. like poles repel.
10. Are you a daredevil? i'm a madwoman.
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? nope, once, but to another person who also knew about it, so i guess that doesn't count.
12. Do looks matter? yes.
13. How do you release anger? cry.
14. Where is your second home? school. kel's place.
15. Do you trust others easily? pretty much.
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? dolls, i think.
17. What class in secondary school do you think was totally useless? can't really think of one, tho' i'm quite sure when i was in secondary school, i found all my subjects redundant.
18. Do you have a journal? one in my bag that serves as a planner and notebook too, and here.
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? yes, at times.
20. Your nicknames? are you trying to trick me into answering a question i evaded just now?
21. Would you bungee jump? yesyesyesyesyesyes.
22. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? nope ^_^ my shoes are designed that way.
23. Do you think that you are strong? physically? mentally? what's considered strong?
25. Shoe Size? 7.5
26. Red/Pink? pink
27. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? my attitude. and my chattiness, at times.
28. Who do you miss most? i don't miss anyone too much, because who i miss i'll see, either physically, or mentally.
29. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? erm. does this look like an inbox, or a blog?
30. What colour pants and shoes are you wearing? flowered shorts and brown bedroom slippers that are bunching up... hehe. bet you didn't think i'd be wearing footwear.
31. What are you listening to right now? *typing sounds clickclick*
32. Last thing you ate? yoghurt with aloe vera cubes. YUM ^_^
33. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? broken
34. What is the weather like right now? stuffy. think it'll rain soon.
35. Last person you talked to on the phone? kelvin... *depressed* he was pissed off with me, i think.
36. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? i'm sure this is a trap to make pple answer this question if they hadn't before. thank goodness i did, so scroll up...
37. Do you like the person who sent this to you? inbox or blog? funny, i seem to recall making a similar statement...
38. Favourite Drink? coffee.
39. Favorite Sport? water sports minus anything to do with swimming. rock climbing.
40. Hair Color? black
41. Eye Color? black. this is a repeat!!!
42. Do you wear contacts? sometimes.
43. Favorite Food? you *growls*
44. Last Movie You Watched? the myth... some one should seriously filter these repeats *bums*
45. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? scary movies. if they're scary.
43. Summer Or Winter? autumn.
44. Hugs or Kisses? hugs *cuddles*
46. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? cold cheng tng. chendol.
57. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? you. there's a tagboard on my page ^_^
58. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? hopefully not you.
59. Living Arrangements? with family.
60. What Books Are You Reading? none at the moment. any nice ones to reccommend?
61. What's On Your Mouse Pad? no mousepad. but if i had one, my mouse would be on my mousepad.
62. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? i haven't watched tv in ages.
63. Favourite Smells? fresh air. sea breeze. rain. my room.
64. Rolling Stones or Beatles? beatles. because i ahven't heard rolling stones.
65. Do you believe in Evolution or Creation? both. creation of the universe, and evolution of life.
66. What's the furthest you've been from home? new zealand.

it's 1 am now.

2005-10-28T19:05:00.000+08:00

intolerance is the way to stress

was mugging at bf's place today... stupid hdb... really have to choose this kind of time to revamp the admiralty neighbourhood *mutters* the drilling was so bad, it gave me a headache... wah, i really think i'm rather intolerant to noise, when i'm studying. lol. it was quite bad, like some kind of anxiety like that, i just couldn't think, then i couldn't do my physics mcq, then i got pek chek, then all the more i can't focus, and the cycle goes on. and all the while the drilling was pounding pounding pounding...

the worse thing is, i think i'm tired, coz i feel some kind of funny constrictions in my chest at times... which only happens when i'm tired. especially given that i slept about 4 hours last night... and about 5 every night the past few days. it's terrible. insomnia? maybe.

saw tessie when i was on my way back just now... i'm rather keen on joining her cosplay team this year... it's samurai deeper kyo... hm... we're thinking maybe i should do hong wang... but i think none of my subordinates will be there... she say's he's super cute, and super toot. like d[o_O]b er... yes? haha. i haven't seen a single picture of him, that's the best part, so if any of you have any sites to reccommend that have pictures of him, please please please let me know.

i think i'm a bit excessive on my please'es. i think some post back, i also did smth like this. hm...

let's see, i haven't blogged in a few days. i was feeling thoughtful last night, but i can't remember what i was so thoughtful about le, just that i had a funny dream that mixed suzuki cars with "dragon fly races" (for those who read tsubasa, you'll get me alright) and steering wheels that pop out of their axles... like what the hell la. i also dreamt that kel was driving, and he kept asking me to satbilise the car, while he tried to fix the steering wheel back onto it's axle. LOL. and there was this part about defensive overtaking. and something about the car being able to go on autopilot overnight, but at the risk of the passengers' lives. i remember vaguely that he told me," maybe we can go on a vacation in this car, we can take turns driving it thru the night, and if we happen to get tired, it's alright... it goes on autopilot." like what the hell... weird dream. definitely.

went to school early this morning... i discovered the second flaw in my timetable. i don't plan realistically. i wrote "0830 -- 1000 : organic mcq." guess what. there are 7 chapters for organic chemistry, and about 35 questions per chapter. like FABULOUS! i can so totally finish my work within time. WOO~ that rocks man. haha. yeah. then in the afternoon, i planned to do a paper that was already done. zzz. fortunately, that allowed me to catch up on a paper that i didn't do, altho' with super duper uber low efficiency because of that stupid drill *narrows eyes*

just an off hand remark, when i was at kel's place, i heard this guy, supposed;y bangla worker ba, go "chrrrr, pooi." like OMG. kel stays on the 6th floor and i can hear someone gather a ball of phlegm and spit it out. like shit, can't they be at least a bit more discreet about such utterly disgurting things? it'd make any lady blush.

hem hem.

ooh. that's a lot like umbridge. yeah... harry potter's coming out on novermber 17th. i wanted to watch it on premier day with kel, but he's on night shift, so i think the sooonest i can try to get it is 2 days after. hm... must watch it before i go genting.

speaking of which, have i mentioned i'll be going to genting highlands after my a level's? quite cool, i think i'm of age to enter the casinos le. haha. maybe i'll have beginner's luck? haha. but i won't have money to gamble la... like, duh, an 18-year-old should not have much money to donate to casinos. black jack sounds interesting *glimmers* i think i've read too much... haha. anyway, i wonder if i can tahan the ciggie smell... haha.

wanted to say mroe rubbish one... but i'm suddenly void of things to splurt. think i'll go on in my search of pictures for hong wang...

2005-10-24T23:12:00.000+08:00

fighting

the piece gets better each time i hear it. for those who've played final fantasy vii or watched advent children, i'm talking about the track fighting from their piano collections... if you still don't get me... remember the piano piece when tifa was fighting that silver-haired bad guy in the church? yup, that's it. it's totally cool. hee~ i'm so glad i got my hands on it, thanks to yanliang. haha! bui4 kui4 shi4 wo3 de4 yin1 yue4 zhi1 ji4. maybe not zhi1 ji3 yet, coz i'm so out of touch with music, i think i don't meet the requirements to be his ka kee... haha, but he always has the nicest music to offer... i'm a LEECH!! wahaha.

anyway, it's really a damn nice song la. for those interested in some music that'll perk you up, you can look for me over msn to get it. it's super la... it's my new obsession, in terms of instrumentals. it's got the tenseness and the softness both in it... i think it's really THE song to play for the fight in the church... it's tense enough for a battle, but it's soft enough to downplay the violence and emphasize on tifa's feminity. woo~ when the loud hard parts come in, it really makes me want to type with a rhythm, and presses me to go faster... think if they have music this good for most games, i'll just turn into a full-time gamer. lol

they should have music like this, and one-winged angel on those god-damned timed quests in a3... haha, then we'll never fail the quests. or maybe i will, coz i'll be either listeningto the music, or become too ganchiong. haha.

i'm settling into my schedule well, if you wanna know, but occasionally, there'll be unpredicted stuff popping out, like lunch with my mum and bro today, that set me back by about 2 hours. haha. and consultation with mr lee that's already compounded into those 2 hours. haha.

but away from school.

jay chou's new album is coming out on the 1st of november... i can pre-order it if i want, but should i? if i do, i'll get a free poster of jay chou which i'd like, but will never pin up... or maybe i will, and replace hotohori onmy wall... never setusuna or dir en grey. haha. unless of course, i have a nice big advent children poster, then i'll remove the setsuna one... HINT: i want an advent children poster. preferably one with sephiroth, cloud, kadaj... haha!!! shuai ge!!!

i also just discovered a nice old song... not an oldie, no, just a song forgotten by many. it's bai2 se4 hun1 li3 (white wedding) by peggy tsu... it's very sad...

they should play fighting during our papers too. then we won't ever be too slow to complete our papers.

anyway, i feel good today. coz sam lee affirmed that i was doing the good thing for food chem preparations. haha. yay, not because i'm a model, but because i've gotten confirmation from someone other than myself and kel that i'm on the right track. haha!

my thoughts are very randome, just like the brownian motion of dust particles that are constantly bombarded by air molecules.

haha.

i think my blog is a bit unthoughtful sometimes... haha, i've read blogs that areso chock full of philosophy and relfections and meaningful stuff, and i think... wah, what a superficial blog i have. haha, why can't i ever have any in-depth stuff on my blog?

then i realise that i'd be the superficial one if i were to just blog about meaningful stuff just coz i didn't want pple to think my blog's superficial. haha. confused yet?

so my decision, which was made even before i blogged, is that no matter how shallow my blog is, it's going to stay this way, coz it facilitates me the best this way... gets rid of all the stuff i can't wait to babble to anyone willing to listen. haha. coz i'm such a talkative person you see, and i have so much nonsense to say i'd be rubbish if i just babble onto the phone or into the face of someone... hee~ so i'd dump the topics here, makes sense right? and you see, this way it'll be a perfectly wanching-fied blog. coz it's so wanching. like, nonsensical and erratic. wahaha!!!

i think pple will feel out of sorts if wanching started being thoughtful and philosophical.

tho i think a feel a change in myself these few days... ever since i started out with my schedule, i feel like i'm in control. and somehow i feel superior to myself. like, i don't get out of focus so much anymore. i distracted myself a little with music and immediately, i felt like i was bouncing back to the old me. but if i didn't change, where come the old and new me? hm... i think ti's something i need to reflect on... think it'll be scary if i suddenly become such a focussed person. wouldn't be a bad thing tho', but i don't think it's likely to take place overnight... i wonder what kind of a person i'll be when i grow up... am i considered grown up now? maybe i should say when i mature. am i matured? am i not? can a person be mature and not street-smart? street-smart and not mature? or maybe just plain stupid? i think the life of a tai-tai would be the most straightforward. i'd like to be a tai-tai too... but maybe in my later years ba. i want to live the life of a career woman, a housewife, and a tai-tai... hee.

but i digress.

however, with studies, i am proud to say i haven't allowed myself to be distracted much. and i realised that with an objective, actually, i can study just about anywhere, so i learnt that last time, when i said i couldn't study at home, it was just a stupid reason. why i had to mug at the library i also dunno. most pple i know mug at home now. with the exception of some classmates and oac mates who prefer to mug in school. i'm starting to like mugging at home.

and tho' my passion MAY not be in chem, chem is really rather fun to study. coz it's more challenging than physics ba. i think physics is more a si3 bei4 subject than chem in so many many ways. firstly, you've gotta know your formulae. you've got to know your concepts behind the formulae, and then you've got to know all the definitions to form your concepts. and above all that, you must be able to apply your concepts onto sums, which look nothing like words more than your toes do. so it's a whole chain of memory work except "understand your concepts" which is bullshit if you can't memorise your definitions.

but chem. ah, chem is different. chem is like a cake. it has a solid base, that's the sponge cake... those would be your basic concepts like oxidation states, charges, cations, anions, blahblah. then comes the layers of cream that separate your sponge layers... those would be the in-depth analysis of your foundations, like periodicity, structure and bonding... then you've got the fruit pieces in the cream that are the special cases, like groups 2,7 and transition metals. then you've got the cream layer on top and on the sides that wraps up your concepts, like kinetics and energetics. then you've got the other stuff, like organic chemistry, food chemistry, which are the more interesting bits of chemistry, and therefore are like the garnishings on your cake.

yup, so chem's a nicer subject to be digesting. after all, a cake always looks good to eat. of course, it's nearly impossible to finish a whole big sponge cake alone, which is the tough part of chem... there's so much to learn, that even if it's a pleasurable process, it can get tiring.

of course, when i say cakes are impossible to finish alone, i mean sponge cakes... an oreo cheesecake is a different matter. even if i have to take days to finish it up, i'd do so gladly. wahaha!!!

fighting's still looping on my com... super!!!

i haven't been sleeping well lately tho'. when my efficiency goes up, my rest goes down. until i can't rest even when it's time to do so... dunno why, my brain just keeps running around when i'm lying on my bed... can't seem to sleep until i've been warming my bed for at least an hour... and i'll wake up in the middle of the night to find myself not being able to get back to sleep. hm... i wonder why.

stress? i don't think so. i don't feel stress, but i do feel a sense of urgency to finish my stuff, like, i'll fail my examsif i don't. i think that's a form of stress ba... but i don't get like tear-hair-bite-fingernails-tap-foot-gaze-nervously-write-incoherently kind of stress... in fact, i'm feeling perfectly normal, except a constant need to do my stuff, until i can safely say i've finished my day's work. i think that's a nice change from irresponsible, whatsthatword, yes, procrastinating wanching. yup. but i still can't get over that i can't sleep proper... even tho' i don't feel the burn in my mental capabilities yet, i know i'll brun out if i don't get more sleep... help!!! if anyone has suggestions...

hm... i hate milk, by the way, so don't say warm milk. unless cold milk with cereal helps. but i don't think it will if it's the milk part of it, coz i'll pour away the remaining milk, which is about a third of what i poured out.

hm... maybe i should start by turning in earlier... at least at the end of my tossing and turning, i'd get to sleep earlier.

it's 0006hrs 25 oct now. shit. the piano tuner is dropping by later in the day... what happens to my schedule..?

2005-10-23T23:23:00.000+08:00

food chem rox!

when you finally get the gist of it, that is. wahahaha!!! i am a genius. slept right thru my alarm this morning... so i didn't manage to do much of the math n02/p1 that i was supposed to do... which was expected, coz i had to go out anyway (not that it amounts to much of a justification), but i did manage to do a third of it.

but! i plead guilty of not doing math when i had spare time from chem... instead, i spent it doing... chem! haha. coz i was suppoed to look thru my food chem and just do the papers... but i decided that maybe i should drill the stuff in a bit more, since i virtually didn't revise food chem for prelims, neither did i listen in lecture, or do my tutorials... so i drew up a mindmap of each and every subtopic in food chem. haha.

then i chose to dig my own grave and epress my satisfaction of understanding food chem the slightest bit at last, and told mr lee... wahaha. i hope he doesn't mean it seriously when he said to get me to help explain stuff tomorrow >_< never be too happy. better go chiong my storage and processing tomorrow morning.

promised not to turn in too late tonight, so i won't be staying up past twelve. haha. must keep myself fresh to prevent from burning out. scared later in a couple more days, then i oversleep again... i'll never be able to make up for all the work i don't get done... haha.

jay chou's new album is coming out... i want it... it's got a nice name, november chopin. i heard it was dedicated to chopin, coz jay chou likes his pieces. me too! me too! haha, chopin rocks la. his songs... i really don't understand. how can it be that he has small hands (according to my ex-piano teacher, chopin didn't have big hands) and he has such a good stretch on those fingers of his to play all the chords he composed? haiz... geniuses (genii?) are geniuses (genii).

it's my bro's birthday today, so of course, giordano made my money again... i bought a pair of linen pants, and two of those nice lycra tops... can't stand it. mummy bought me a new pair of earrings... and a new bag for herself too. haha. but i saw this pair of nicenicenice dangly earrings which were like, 20 bucks... so ex... but they are super nice la. if i can find the extra money, i'll buy them. gargh... the stall will move at the end of october... and i won't be getting my allowance til november... haiz. even if i can, i wonder if the earrings will still be there... they're sooo nice. haiz.

i think i'm a spendthrift. haiz. i keep seeing these things i want. and i'll buy them. kaoz. but recently, my wardrobe has been undergoing some kind of revamp. coz i'm starting to wear less of clothes i used to wear, and more of clothes that i recently bought, which are rather different. i think it's coz i have this change in fashion sense brought about by cleo ba. it's not necessarily the hippest, but i do thik it's definitely more mainstream than what i used to buy. i'm getting to become a mainstream girl. mainstream fashion sense with mainstream music taste, with mainstream looks and mainstream attitude. mainstream. bah. i used to be... unique. haha, like weird. hm. i wonder what's causing the change, maybe i'm just getting used to the world.

i think my attitude to a lot of things in life has changed since last september when i got together with kel. maybe coz of the experience gap between the two of us, i was pushed to open my eyes bigger to the world, and learn at a faster pace, plus all the opinions he feeds me with. haha. especially since i'm rather whatstheword impressionable, yes. anyway, i don't think it's really an appropriate time to be talking about such a lengthy topic now, since i'm supposed to turn in early. i'll get back to this some other day when the inspiration comes up again ba.

fresh. unburnt. crisp. juicy. the best condition to be in before exams.

sounds like how a veggie should be.

but veggies, plant or human, can't take exams...

2005-10-23T01:09:00.000+08:00

splinter!!!

happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you... ^_^ it's 23rd october, that's... my brother's birthday! haha. guilty tho'... didn't manage to get him a prezzie. think i'll just present him with cash. haha. i asked him what he wanted and that was his reply a week ago. hm...

anyway, in case anyone was wondering about the relevance of splinter!!! there is in fact no relevance. haha, anyone got tricked? it's purely because i'm rid of the irritating splinter in my finger. hahaa.

the story of the splinter started yesterday (for convenience, i'll refer to today as saturday ^_^). so it was that yesterday morning, i got this funny splinter in my finger, at the very first joint counting from the tip of the left index finger. so if was stuck pretty deep and kind of hurt me whenever i crooked my finger, so i woke my mum up from her sleep and got her to remove it for me...

it was a sort of mini-excavation project... a small hole was dug, and the splinter was removed with a pair of tweezers that were a bit too clumsy for the job >_< that was... ouch. haha, but the best part of it is that half of it broke and stayed stuck deeper than before in my skin...

haha, so i thought it was hm, okay, just leave it be. then i realised later in the day, when i got a second splinter, that the splinter was some refective material... i think it's the chromed silver or aluminium on my tap that peeled off... so i got worried about the other bit staying in my skin. haha, so another excavation project went on just now, and i finally got it removed.

but my finger's seriously sore >_< that's better than having pus and swelling due to the presence of the splinter in my skin... my god. my grandpa, dad and kel all told me that pus would develop *cries* and that was scary enough...

*pouts*

but actually, i think i'm just whining up here about the splinter coz i thought it was a pretty funny affair -- i never had an excavation into my skin on purpose... zzz.

apart from that, i went down to marina south to help out today. haha. gosh, it was busy. super duper heng it didn't rain... else i think i'll faint from trying to relocate everyone from the open into the limited space we have that's sheltered. then apart from being stuffy, it would become cramped, sutffy, hot, stuffy, noisy, stuffy, and with slippery floors from all the inconsiderate bastards who drop their eggs on the floor and don't alert any member of the staff to do anything about it. and those idiots who shell their prawns and dump the whole mountain of shells on the floor by their tables. all idiots.

yes, they pay to eat here. but this money is also spent in such an ungracious manner it just leaves no room for respect for all those associated with them. for those who know which particular category of consumers i'm talking about -- bingo. i never used to dislike them so much, until i started helping out regularly at marina south a year back or two.

as for those who don't understand, you can take it that i'm talking gibberish to vent out some frustration over some matters that you don't have any responsibility over ^_^

haha. after all, what is a blog for but to rant and babble?

oh! and i took quite a few pictures with my grandma and my mother on my phone cam. then various of my aunt and grandpa, my mum and grandma... coz the really cute thing is, my mum looks like my grandmaloads, and my aunt resemble my grandpa to a large extent... haha. and since i actually look quite like my mum, i thought it'll be fun to take a picture of the three of us tgether, so i can look back at it when i'm loads older and see how much i've grown to look like my mum. maybe then, i can take a similar picture with my daughter (who i hope will look like me, coz i want a pretty daughter ^_^ yikes) and my mum. hahaA.

but other than that today was rather uneventful... quite a sucky day in studying tho'. managed to keep up to the schedule, but not performing up to expectations. JIAYOU!!!

ooh. i quote i ripped off weiming's site (mingyawns.blogspot.com):

having sex is like playing daidee -- if you don't have a good partner, you's better have a good hand. LOL.

(tho' i personally think bridge or spades might be a better choice ^_^)

2005-10-21T17:42:00.000+08:00

laying foundations

strange, i thought it would be harder than this to keep up with the schedule today, but it seems not so. i've got about 45 mins excess of free time, without working myself too hard at the exam questions... wow. if it's going to be this relaxed, i wonder if it's going to work. i hope it's just today. anyway, i haven't figured if it'll still be so relaxed tonight. i'll be trying a full physics paper3. hm... hope it'll be more challenging.

anyway, it's pretty cool to have a schedule. you don't have to crack your brains thinking of what you should do, then feel lost for another half an hour, wondering where to start coz you're just so goddamn behind in your work even speaking faster feelslikeyou'redoingsomethingusefulinsavingtime.

phew. so all in all, it's started well, and will go well.

i hope i don't jinx myself. XD

i'll be breaking ground on physics tonight. feel some kind of anticipation... coz i don't know how it'll turn out. haven't really touched physics except to do some leisurely reading of the notes... hm... feel very bad about maths too. a bit stressed, a bit scared, coz i haven't done much pure math practice, just stats. then what if i totally screw up my paper1? *shudders* must steer clear of negative thoughts now... can't trip myself at this point in time.

either way, i've managed a c for math before, i can do better at a's. i've managed a c for physics before, i can do better at a's too. now, let's hope i'll do well in all three subs and trash out at the very least 3 b's. and one more for GP. make that all a's. muahahaha!!! yup, if i dream on, maybe i'll do that. BUT! that doesn't mean i can't continue working towards that goal. haha.

you know what? i realised that in my planning for my mugging, i've really left myself no time to do anything except to go home straight after school to mug til night, and work from morn til night on days i don't go to school. which means... I FORGOT THAT MY BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY IS ON THIS SUNDAY and i'm more worried that i'm not going to be able to keep up with my schedule than that i haven't prepared anything for him *buries head* some kind of sister i've become... and i always thought i loved my brother above all else except my parents *stabs* so how now brown cow??? mooooo............ (am reminded of sam lee *dripdrip*) don't sneeze your head off, mr lee. i know the staff room's cold.

okay, so i was saying... if anyone has any idea what i can do for my brother PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE let me know. a tagboard exists on this page. if you would like to leave a comment, you can click on the bottom leaf to the left of this box, and drop a note on the tagboard. arigatou gozaimasu ^_^

*flies off to change out of kimono*

okay, so i'm going mad *pouts*

on a happier note, moonchild is showing tonight on channel u at 2330hrs. gackt looks good. and that guy, that guy... that leadoflunasea guy is also acting in it. and kel said wang lee hom is also starring in the show *gags* i never really had a good impression of him >_< gackt... i like his voice. i think he looks good too. BUT! i still prefer kyo-chi *_* haha. don't have a reliable site to link piccies yet, so i'll save his picture for another day.

to think of it, i've been rather out of touch with j-rock for a long long time. been listening to mandopop for most of the past 2 years in hwachong. am getting MAINSTREAM. that sounds rather sad... haiz.

OMG. what if canoe polo training clashes with PAYCO pract next year?! haha. this is a sign of confidence ^_^ ever noticed i keep going back to topics relating to school and exams? hm...

but i digress.

saw yanliang online just now, on my previous break, and he sent me the fight theme from ff7 piano collections as well as tifa's theme. SWEET. i never knew advent children took the aerith, tifa and fighting tracks from the piano collection. it's so super cool. i will learn it someday. yanliang said he's contemplating buying the piano collection scores from ebay... the cd's and scores for ff 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10-2, 11... WAH. the guy's selling it at USD385, i think. damn lots of money to be spending in one shot, but damn cheap considering that the scores and the cd for one ff series alone could cost up to nearly a hundred bucks in SGD. funkiness. but i don't have the money... he said he might be getting it himself for his birthday... if he does, i'll pay him a portion of it, and rip the entire collection and photocopy the whole set for myself. muahahaha.

i want the ac soundtrack. that would make me happy for now. haiz... the remixes of the ff7 soundtracks were so supercool. esp the one-winged angel. rock-version! woo~!

i want the ff8 soundtracks too... esp the creepycreepy vithos lusec wecos vinosec (is it spelled like that? the track that was played during the fmv of the edea procession...) and the liberi fatali...

i want the ffx soundtracks too... wah!!! i want everything *hugs imaginary collection* stupid yanliang... make me go and recall all the nicenicenice tracks... *sticks out tongue*

but above all, i want my exams to be over, so i can go back to my activities. i want to go down to PA for pract, i miss the ppl there; i want to make my mask for prom; i want to go shopping with kelvin >_<; i want to play canoe polo (even tho' i've never played it properly before); i want to slack and suntan and listen to music at the poolside (not swim, hahaa); i want to do sooooo many things.

*deflates*

i wonder, do i perform or not under stress? i don't do anything under no stress, and leave myself to be motivated by inspiration, which usually ends up with half-done products. i start crying when i'm stressed out, and i end up smudging my work with my tears. i set up a schedule and i tell myself i should follow it. but i wonder if just following a schedule will work out well. it feels so inadequate, like, i'm just following a schedule, where's the brainwork?

(the brainwork was already done when you planned out the schedule and sweated out over how littel time you have left, girl)

yes, think positive, think positive. haha, it seems no matter how i try, the topic will find itself back at exams. it seems this way too, during much of my convo's with pple. even with kelvin, it's been terrible for him i think, to be worried about my exams and trying to put up with my dazed-ness. even talking with him seem to have smth to do with my studies once in a while... haiz. what to do what to do, it's the exams now, i can't think of anything else, this whole affair is overwhelming me.

let me learn how to hold my breath, that i can dip underwater and immerse myself in the world of studies , ignoring most everything else, for the next 27 days to come. 27 days... 27 days...

it's 1830 now, and i've blasted 45 mins of my time on this blog. i feel refreshed. let me go shower now.

2005-10-20T23:03:00.000+08:00

yes! it does! hahaa.

finally, reality hits.

and ouch, does it hurt.

so i was up this morning, with cramps and i was like, okay, so let's not go to school today. so i pushed remedial off today again, and i told mr lee i would go for a makeup lesson tomorrow together with the lesson i missed yesterday morning.

and i went back to sleep.

and sleep was uneventful. but my day wasn't, so here goes.

i woke up at 1 pm, curious that no one had woken me up sooner, and i found that mummy was already on her way out to the market to buy groceries. weiwei was online, as per normal, and mapling away. i was a little bored, and since i had decided to forfeit breakfast for lunch, i went to the comp, turned it on, and decided that a short game of spades would do no harm. i had intended to blog, but well... my attention went to spades. so it went that i played spades with my brother and some idiots for a while, and mummy came home.

naturally, she got mad, but i wasn't aware of the extent to which she was angry until she stormed out of the apartment even before my grandma was ready to pick her up. i think she just wanted us to get out of her face.

the crime i commited was to start a game early in the morning. and to not end it because i wanted that victory it would add to my streak, and in fact, maybe subconsioucly, coz it was a pretty good game to our favour. but it all meant nothing in the end, coz after she stormed off, i turned off the comp.

which led to a lose-lose situation, coz i was unhappy, so i ended the game, which proved nothing to my mum, coz she had left, which left her mad, coz i didn't have the initiative to turn it off in the first place.

then i called to apologize, but she didn't pick up any of my calls, nor reply any of my sms'es. so that was pretty scary, of course, being the kind of person i am. maybe it's just me, or maybe it applies across the board -- isn't always scarier to be ignored than to be scolded? i believe i would have felt loads better if she had picked up the phone and yelled at me, then slammed the phone down, than if she did what she did -- to just not do anything.

so i panicked, and i think i cried horribly for a full 45 mins. i was so debilitated... is that how you use that word? i was saying... i was so debilitated that i couldn't even eat lunch properly. haha. i don't think i've ever been so scared for a long long time.

anyway, it turned out that my mum had left her hp at the stall last night, so she didn't have it with her at all. i managed to get her in the end when i called my grandma and managed to choke out "get my mum to the phone" before i poured my tears onto the phone to my mum.

if you're wondering why i'm still on the com now if that happened to me this afternoon, it's coz i figured (with loads of help from kel) that it only works out to be okay that i do stuff other than study WHEN i've already studied. not BEFORE, like right after i wake up, when i haven't done anything credible. yeah.

so now i'm sitting here with a clear conscience and my inorganic revision done, prepared and ready for question-firing tomorrow.

above that, i drew up a revision schedule.

i decided (again with immense help from kel) that i should probably bring my words "if i have to mug, it's only going to be a month more" to greater heights. i drew up a schedule that i intend to follow. yes, you read that right. i mean, if i have to force myself to follow it, it's only going to be a month more, right?

in that schedule, i didn't plan for days i'll be going out, so that would mean, i'm not going out anymore. i didn't even mark out the days when kel would be off, so that i could go over to his house to study. if his schedule fits mine, that'll be fine. if it doesn't, then too bad. i'm sorry, baby, but you're right, i gotta prioritize better. so i'm telling you you might play second or even third fiddle to my studies now *bows* sorry.

i'm seriously quite amazed at the schedule i've drawn myself. it has... work planned from morning til night. with two 2-hour breaks which would encompass dinner and all the free time i have.

other than that, i'll have to squeeze time out by working faster, better.

yupz. one more month. just one more month. seriously, it's in fact only 18 days til my a's start.

don't know. have so much to think of. and so much to reflect on. but before all, let me go back to my chem before i turn in tonight. i have a feeling i won't be turning in too early tonight, from all the thoughts flying around in my head.

it's really surprising how an unfinished game of spades can wake a person up so much. maybe i've finally found my motivation. maybe it's just plain fear. whatever it is, i know it's something i've to grab hold of. if i have to collapse from stress, let it be after the a's. i won't have a chance to stress myself so much in the near future. so if i have to place stress on myself to go by the schedule, i will. and i will come out of it fine.

thank you, jonathan, for being worried that i might collapse from the stress. but no thank you, i won't, and i will get out of this better.

i can if i want to.

2005-10-20T23:02:00.000+08:00

okay... now let's see if the date appears on today's post...

2005-10-19T21:28:00.000+08:00

tagboard's up!

success!!! i have devised a way to manually link my archives... no point getting blogger to do it for me, if i can't make blogger cooperate with this skin. or make the skin cooperate with blogger. haha. i am a genius.

for now, i'll have to be satisfied by the current state of my blog le ba... can't do much else about it le, except to wait for new problems to pop up. haiz. they don't post the times of each update... only the one of the final one. the most obvious problem i can think of now, is that what if they refuse to post tomorrow's date when i blog tomorrow? haha. that'll be tomorrow's problem.

today, i've done...
1.) read group VII
2.) read fluids booklet
3.) completed november 2003 paper I (which was already half-done)

feel so slack. zzz. so lethargic the whole day, except when i was singing...

haha, feel a bit paiseh this morning, coz i was like mike-hogging during the kLunch session with lingzhi and shieh yuan... don't think they sing a lot. especially SY, coz she said it's only her second time going to a KTV. but kBox is good, coz they actually have minus-one versions of jay chou's raps. which is like damn cool. coz all the other ktvs have jay singing along, like they believe no one can do the raps. haha. but it seems i still can't rap shuang jie gun... haha, but it feels good to still be able to rmbr how to rap them, especially since i haven't tried for so long.

i feel like i've improved. coz i can do the high notes i never used to be able to do. maybe coz i use falsetto with more ease this time around. wee~ feels good to know there's some kind of improvement.

but if i can translate this improvement to my grades, it'll be better. escapism from stress does no work. and it makes you lose precious time. "don't say it's too late, or it'll be later." prof ma's very own words.

i wonder how everyone in class is doing... kind of miss them. and it's odd, like i don't really feel like we've already ended our school lives in hwachong, and will never sit for tutorials together again. haiz. and the juniors are still letting a11 hog the oac bench. idiots.

dunno, better get around to mugging a bit more tonight soon. yupz, hope i can keep this blog in operation ^__^

and yes, a tagboard exists on this page. please click the bottom-most leaf.

2005-10-19T20:43:00.000+08:00

other problems

i realised that there's no such thing as providence for an archive on this skin, which is somewhat worse than not being able to have comments... this is terrible... this skin is dysfunctional apart from looking good. i'ma try see what i can do about this... hm. time eating stuff. zzz.

2005-10-19T20:24:00.000+08:00

problems identified

i can't get my title to appear... and i can't get the link to the comments page to appear either... if anyone can help, PLEASE EMAIL ME TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO. phew. gonna start working on the tagboard in a while. feel so guilty for not mugging today, but i'm just sooo super nua'ed. and so super distracted by the damn ache in my stomach. haiz. problems with an external skin... i can never get the best of all worlds (ps, my title can't even appear in a different colour. zzz...). never mind, i'll work harder. ganbatte yo!

test blog entry ^__^

2005-10-19T20:08:00.000+08:00

hee. finally an attempt to set up a blog after so long of not blogging. hope i'll keep this up, ne? meanwhile, i'll just be doing some touch-ups to the basic template of this blog, and add a tagboard soon ^_^